Happy Sunday!

I want to pen down all the happy things which occurred today to remind myself that life is not always so bad!

1. Completed my 10km within my targeted timing. When I saw the actual timing, it was slightly faster than my targeted one. :)
2. I managed to collect buddy’s birthday cake in time which allowed WL and I to carry out the surprise plan. Buddy was pretty surprised, weren’t you? :) Happy birthday in advance, buddy! :D
3. I finally wrote my wishes on the white big ball which will be thrown onto the sea by end of this end year, along with others. It was my first try! :)
4. BH and I had a good catch up over lunch after we parted our ways with WL and Buddy. But, both of us walked like as though we were crippled. :/
5. I washed my shoes after they were being “soaked” in the mud during the bag deposit and collection before and after the run respectively. Imagine the front part of my shoes were brown in color when they are supposed to be white (strictly speaking, not really white anymore)! Tsk tsk. My legs felt worse after washing them because I washed them by squatting down in the bathroom at the same time. :/
6. I had a great bath. :) I felt so dirty throughout the day until I had my bath in the late afternoon after I finished washing my shoes. :/
7. There are a lot of newly pretty tagged photos! :D I managed to pick one to replace my display photo on facebook because I am tired of looking at the same one after almost six months. :p
8. I enjoyed my day so much that I felt like crying when it was already 6pm. :x
9. I managed to sleep before 12am! :)

A Carefree Saturday

After three months, I finally met up with an ex colleague whom I was rather close to from my old company. Now, he would call me ‘Chu Er’ which I am not used to it yet because my colleagues would call me by my English name for everyone’s convenience. Anyway, it was a great meet up with him because we managed to fill each other with details which we missed out for the past three months. He was still the same old talkative him. Ha. This is good because the meet up would never be awkward. =)

Following that, I finally met up with buddy! On my way to meet up with my ex colleague, I received a message from buddy asking me if I wanted to watch ‘Friends with Benefits’. At that moment, I was quite excited about it because I wanted to ask him about it the night before our outing. As usual, I never fail to love watching comedy romance so I really liked that show especially when it ended with a happy ending. =) After chilling out at the esplanade, we even took some photos together! I think the last time we took a picture together was more than nine months ago. =/ I personally think we look good in those photos. =D It was a short but great meet up, as well and as always. ^^

I wish I had more weekends like today. It made me feel so relaxed. Sigh, I will try to be optimistic until everything ends. =(

Take care, buddy! We will see each other again in December! =D =D I will always remember you! =)

Before I start a proper revision (time check: 8.47pm. Slap me! I had been lazing on my bed for almost whole of today when I am supposed to do my assignment too), I would like to write a short entry about yesterday. I just feel that it was something worth remembering, hence I decided to pen it down.

{An extract from an article. This is awesomely meaningful!}

• Be courteous, be punctual, always say please and thank you, and be sure to hold your knife and fork properly. Others take their cue on how to treat you from your manners.
  
  
• Be kind, considerate and compassionate when others are in trouble, even if you have problems of your own. Others will admire your selflessness and will help you in due course.
  
  
• Show moral courage. Do what is right, even if that makes you unpopular. I always thought it is important to be able to look at myself in the shaving mirror every morning and not feel guilt or remorse. I depart this world with a pretty clear conscience.
  
  
• Show humility. Stand your ground but pause to reflect on what the other side are saying, and back off when you know you are wrong. Never worry about losing face. That only happens when you are pig-headed.
  
  
• Learn from your mistakes. You will make plenty so use them as a learning tool. If you keep making the same mistake or run into a problem, you’re doing something wrong.
  
  
• Avoid disparaging someone to a third party; it is only you who will look bad. If you have a problem with someone, tell them face to face.
  
  
• Hold fire! If someone crosses you, don’t react immediately. Once you say something it can never be taken back, and most people deserve a second chance.
  
  
• Have fun. If this involves taking risks, so be it. If you get caught, hold your hands up.
  
  
• Give to charity and help those who are less fortunate than yourselves: it’s easy and so rewarding.
  
  
• Always look on the upside! The glass is half full, never half empty. Every adversity has a silver lining if you seek it out.
  
  
• Make it your instinct always to say ‘yes’. Look for reasons to do something, not reasons to say no. Your friends will cherish you for that.
  
  
• Be canny: you will get more of what you want if you can give someone more of what they desire. Compromise can be king.
  
  
• Always accept a party invitation. You may not want to go, but they want you there. Show them courtesy and respect.
  
  
• Never ever let a friend down. I would bury bodies for my friends, if they asked me to . . . which is why I have chosen them carefully.
  
  
• Always tip for good service. It shows respect. But never reward poor service. Poor service is insulting.
  
  
• Always treat those you meet as your social equal, whether they are above or below your station in life. For those above you, show due deference, but don’t be a sycophant.
  
  
• Always respect age, as age equals wisdom.
  
  
• Be prepared to put the interests of your sibling first.
  
  
• Be proud of who you are and where you come from, but open your mind to other cultures and languages. When you begin to travel (as I hope you will), you’ll learn that your place in the world is both vital and insignificant. Don’t get too big for your breeches.
  
  
• Be ambitious, but not nakedly so. Be prepared to back your assertions with craftsmanship and hard work.
  
  
• Live every day to its full: do something that makes you smile or laugh, and avoid procrastination.
  
  
• Give of your best at school. Some teachers forget that pupils need incentives. So if your teacher doesn’t give you one, devise your own.
  
  
• Always pay the most you can afford. Never skimp on hotels, clothing, shoes, make-up or jewellery. But always look for a deal. You get what you pay for.
  
  
• Never give up! My two little soldiers have no dad, but you are brave, big-hearted, fit and strong. You are also loved by an immensely kind and supportive team of family and friends. You make your own good fortune, my children, so battle on.
  
  
• Never feel sorry for yourself, or at least don’t do it for long. Crying doesn’t make things better.
  
  
• Look after your body and it will look after you.
  
  
• Learn a language, or at least try. Never engage a person abroad in conversation without first greeting them in their own language; by all means ask if they speak English!
  
  
• And finally, cherish your mother, and take very good care of her.
  
  
  

I love you both with all my heart.
Daddy x

Hey Batam, we met again!

If you are anticipating for a lighter entry, this would be the one which you are looking for. Oh yes, I am back from Batam last evening.

Before the trip, I was worried about a few issues such as staying in a hotel (as I heard too much horror stories with regard to staying in a hotel) and also looking after someone. Most importantly, I skipped one lesson for this trip. Most people (including Sis) encouraged me to go because the chances are, I might not even pay full attention to it.

On the first night, we reached the hotel later than they had planned to, hence we could not go for our massage session. As such, we had to skip to our second activity which was to enjoy our spread of seafood! In fact, we could have gone for our massage first but we could not because the hosts had already ordered the food for us.

All I could say is, I had not tried so much seafood at one go before! However, I did not really eat fried food because fried food is never really my cup of tea. Also, I drank very little beer because I did not want to get drank. =p One of the most unexpected outcomes of this trip was, a few of them got drank. Not forgetting the fact that I really laughed my head off that night because the “bully” at work was the joke of the night. In the end, I became the nurse of the night because the “work” was thrown to me. Even so, it was not a wasted effort because I was pretty entertained to see the drunken state of the “bully”. Of course, I would not let this chance slip by without getting my “revenge” done. *evil smirk* On the way back to Singapore, I related the entire episode to the “bully” which brought about disbelief in him. HAHAHA. Otherwise, my first night there was more peaceful than I expected it to be. Oh yes, my room mate told me that I did not snore at all. =D

On the next day, I woke up at about 7am which I guess it was due to the fact that I slept in a stranger place, hence I could not really sleep well. After which, we went to have our breakfast at the hotel’s restaurant which tasted horrible to me.

After which, it was the start of our adventure! The host was pretty nice to help us hire two cabs so that they could bring to any place which we requested for (of course we paid for it ourselves). The first stop was to a shopping mall. However, it was a shame that we did not manage to shop in there as it was still very early. Nevertheless, something else made up for it. It was of course the first massage session of the trip! Most including myself chose the scalp and foot massage which only cost S$26! My hair still feels so smooth now! =D

Following there, we quickly rushed to a place for our lunch. Most ordered the Soto Ayam which was not to my liking at all. Luckily my ice milk tea was not too bad. Of course, I could make a much tastier ice milk tea! =p It was a quick lunch as we had to rush back to the hotel to check out our room. Since we still had so much time to spare, we decided to use its facility – the Jacuzzi and Sauna. There is always a first time for everything which we try and so it was my first time trying it too. I must say that it was pretty relaxing!

Finally, we managed to spend the time away so that we could go for our long awaited full body massage!

Not that the massage was not good but rather the entire experience was a little awkward to me. Luckily, I went for a back massage once in Singapore before so at least I knew that I need to remove my top (including my bra) otherwise I would be an embarrassment. =/ However, what I was not prepared was that, the masseur would view my entire breasts as well. She must have thought that I was quite funny because I would use the towel to cover them whenever I can during the entire session. Since I opted to do a body scrub as well, it would mean that she had to help me scrub my breasts as well. Okay, at least she asked me if she could do it. The way she asked me was pretty funny.

She: “Can I do *pointing at my breasts* here?”

Me: *Smiling shyly and shook my head*

Yes, I really feel uncomfortable for another person other than myself to touch my breasts. (Okay, hopefully I do not have any underage reader=/) Anyway, my skin still feels so smooth after the scrub. =D

After the massage, we went to retrieve our luggage and headed to the ferry terminal. Last but not least, we had a sumptuous dinner at this open air hawker near to Saint James.

Overall, I did not regret making the choice of joining them for this trip and wish it was a longer one. Now, I am suffering a hangover from it. Urgh, I need to be back to work to tomorrow. =(

All right, it is time for a short nap before I do my revision. Ha. I know it is weird to have it now but I woke up at 7.30am earlier on for my run. Not only do I have a need to train for my 10km race but also to shed off the additional and unwanted fats!

Before I end off, I want to say that I still love Batam! =) A friend and I are thinking of going to Vietnam either this or next year. I am positive that I would love there as well. =D

River of tears


Recently, I wonder if I should resume my habit of penning down the 3 things which make me smile everyday. Reason being, things on my end have been getting worse and I am having the thought of giving up on both my studies and work again. I need a reason to stay strong and continue with whatever I have been working hard for. Is it me or the things which I deal with? I am unsure. My fighting spirit is diminishing soon. Yes, I am grateful to have people constantly encouraging me and listening to my endless complaints but ultimately, it still depends on myself. This is like an endless war. Again, I wonder how war survivors survived the war when things would be far worse for them. When I wake up in the morning, I wish could sleep for the rest of the day, week, month and year because I am reluctant and have lost the motivation to fulfill my obligations. Yes, I am a coward. Scold me.

Time check: 3 weeks

Within this period of time, I have experienced many things which I should have when I was much younger. However, due to so much restriction in the past, I did not go through that. But again, would I be a much different person if I did so? I don't know.

It seems like a little too late but now I know how a night life is like. But no, I have not picked up the habit of smoking yet and am not addicted to the night life. In the past, I used to wonder how it would feel like to vomit after too much drinks and now I know how terrible it was to puke as a result of that. Additionally, I know how drinks could temporary stop you from thinking especially you are down. And I am ashamed to admit that I asked a friend out for a drink on one of the days where I was really down. It helped me on that night because I was a little drunk to cry after that. Luckily for me, I have not experienced any hangover yet. = / Oh well, school is starting again so I will cut down a lot on drinks.

Sometimes I wish the whole world could understand how I feel instead of assuming how I feel. I get so tired that sometimes I would stare at them blankly and keep quiet instead of arguing and correcting what they say about me. My usual way is to smile like an idiot. Whatever. School is about to start again and I know I will start to cry a lot again because it will simply drain my emotional and mental health. I will not want to share how terrible it is to do a full time job and a part time degree as much as my first year. Period. The point is, you know that you will be entering Hell but you still have to enter it before you could achieve something you want. And, the worse is, I secretly hope that one day some people could understand what I am going through and stop expecting so much from me. I know that it will be an empty hope but what to do, I am always very silly. =(

Hello school and new friends! Goodbye freedom and see you in a year’s time! =’(

12.5 hours

Today was surely a day which I looked forward to because the last time I met my buddy was four months ago. I guess it just shows how busy we are with our life. Even so, our friendship never dies which is something I am glad about.

We planned to suntan at Sentosa but due to the poor weather, we had to sit under the shelter most of the time. Hence, we left early and headed to RWS to have our awesome ice cream and followed by our lunch, movie and dinner. Lastly, we headed to the rooftop at Vivocity to have a long chat with each other. (Ha, just want to summarise the activities for the whole day otherwise my entry will be quite boring.)

Hey buddy, I guess you should know that I am rather poor at expressing myself so I want to reassure you that you are very important to me. Sorry that I did not show that I cared for you over the past few years but I never took you for granted for all the things which you have done for me. Additionally, I know that I keep a lot of things from everyone including you but it does not mean that you are not important to me. No matter what, thank you for hearing me out and consoling me earlier on (you also made me realise that I have not let go of something after two years. This is something which I thought I have come to terms with but only to realise that I have been trying to deceive myself all this time). People often tell me that friends come and go which is also something I have experienced as well. For us, I believe that I can have the faith that our friendship will go on for life. Deep down, I often feel that I am a boring person so I lack the confidence to speak to others so here is another reason why I am glad to have you all these years. YOU never stop trying to make me feel good about myself, losing patience in me and being there to “catch” me when I fall. THANK YOU! <3 <3 <3 (I wrote it here so that you can read this again and again and again when you doubt our friendship and most importantly, this entry will never be deleted.)

Departure 2

The first entry on this was on the last day (04/11/2008) of my internship which was a tearful one for me. It was only about a three months internship yet I still cried when I tried so hard not to. (In fact, I was quite surprised to catch myself crying.) So, can you imagine how hard it is on me when I worked there for about two years?

During my exams, I kept crying and crying over this because I did not bear to leave them and feared that my new colleagues would be hard to get along with. Deep in my heart, I knew that it was for a good cause. To be frank, I was in a great dilemma because I wanted to leave there so much (due to some reasons) and when I got a better offer, I wished I did not have to leave them. Sigh. Today, I tried (or perhaps did not) not to cry when my manager kept saying that I would definitely cry but I did not. I just kept smiling and laughing at everyone like nobody’s business. I only started to tear when I saw, “Sad to let you go…” on the card which she wrote on when I was on my way home.

I hope that I made the right decision because the whole thing is killing (literally) me. = / Sigh...I will miss so much stuff - the people (including the cute little Caucasian who never failed to make me smile when I saw him, those men and women), the scenery and peaceful and comfortable bus rides. The thought of starting a new job really frightens me. What if they don't appreciate what I have done? What if it is unsuitable for me? What if...?

If, everything happens for a reason...I will miss each and everyone of you deeply.

First trip in ten years – to Batam

This was one of the most fruitful activities after the conclusion of my exams. Due to many factors, I had not stepped out of this tiny island – including the neighboring countries – in ten years. Hence, I was pretty nervous yet excited at the same time. To add on, it was also my first time going overseas with my friends. =D (How pathetic when I am already 22 this year but have not tried so many things when most of my friends already did! The worse is, I am a curious person who yearns to learn as much as possible)

First of all, I was glad to receive my passport in about seven working days especially when my first photo submission was a failure and the trip was about three weeks away from the day which I applied for my passport online. As a result of that and the fact that I am a muddle-headed person in nature, I had already predicted that something (bad) would happen to me. True enough, it did. = /

My friend used my old passport number (which was using my NRIC number then) to apply for the trip, hence it did not tally with the passport number printed on my boarding pass. Before some argue that it is common sense to check it, I must emphasize that it was my first trip and my boarding pass was being requested (by the staff) to be printed again after I collected my first one. Only when we were a step away from the ferry, then the officer told me that I could not board the ferry due to the mistake. My friends and I were shocked about it. The worse was, a customer service officer blamed us for the mistake! Ha. What a joke! *roll eyes*. Not only that, she sounded very unhelpful and even said that we could only board the ferry at 12.10 pm (NOTE: our departure time was 9.20 am) WITHOUT checking it properly for us. Did she even know how worried we were especially when we were on a tour? Luckily, her colleagues were MUCH nicer and helpful by helping us to check it and ensure that we could board the ferry as it was delayed anyway. So, my friends and I and along with another stranger were being escorted to the boarding point. The whole thing took about ten minutes which could seriously scare the hell out of me.

I must say that Batam is in every way so different from our country! There are many things which we must be thankful for:

1. Toilet - yes, the most basic facility in here. Over there, we flushed the toilet manually by pouring water into the toilet bowl after we have done with our “business”. I am very particular about using a clean toilet so it was a little tough for me, hence I only used its toilet ONCE for the whole trip. = x In addition, please do not expect any toilet paper to be provided.
2. The whole process was so slow that………….(okay, I shall not indicate how we managed it just in case I offended anyone).
3. The houses were very run-down and so close to the other houses. In addition, it was so small that many people would have to squeeze in a small house. So, obviously, there is no storage area for their stuff. (Something which I have been wondering about – how adults make their babies when their kids sleep in the same room? =x)
4. I think there is no proper traffic system. A narrow road could be a two-way traffic so it is pretty dangerous to cross the road. To add on, the tour guide told us that the drivers would not stop for us to cross the road too.
5. There are more motorcycles than cars on the road. Not only that, a motorcycle could have 3-4 people riding on it. How skillful!
6. People are allowed to smoke in the shopping malls which include the restaurants. This is totally unacceptable to me. = /
7. They only earn $100 + (in our currency) in a month. Of course, some earn lesser than that.
8. It was challenging for us to spend over there because the items are calculated in tens or hundreds thousands of dollars. For us, the items are very affordable. Even so, this posed a problem to us when we had our dinner. The total bill added up to – erm, either $400, 000 + or $4M. We actually emptied our pockets but were still short of $10, 000 +. Hahaha. So, the guys had to find the money changer shop to change the currency. To add on to our anxiety, we must board the bus on time otherwise we must cab to the ferry point by ourselves. (NOTE: We were usually the last group to board the bus for most of the stops. =x) The point is, I am glad that our currency is very strong, hence calculation has been very simple for us!

It surely was an eye-opening trip for me especially when I read some books on third world countries, hence it was like a dream for me to visit these places. I am thankful for this chance and of course, not forgetting the wonderful group of people. =) Oh ya, I loved the ferry rides too! =D

The worst period for me was definitely during my revision. Due to the hot weather and the fact that my house does not own any air conditional, I sweat from day to night while I was studying. To add on, there was a construction work going on nearby so it was extremely noisy too. But what, I kept telling myself I am really desperate to pass everything so by crook or by hook, I must not give up. Guess what? I actually studied for 12-14 solid hours/day for at least a month so as to remember all the theories

The Long Weekend in 2011

After a long weekend (4.25 days – we were only let off at 4pm on Chinese New Year’s Eve) due to the most important Festive period of the Chinese, Lunar New Year, I reluctantly let it go. I can officially bid goodbye to it (Lunar New Year) because as a matter of fact, we are not granted holidays for the rest of the period in where I stay. Another thing is, it felt good eating like nobody's business. But again, I AM GUILTY about the amount of food intake.

By the way, I would be confident to announce that it was one of the most fruitful ones – not in terms of monetary reason (the amount which I collected from the Ang Bao – anyway, I have not open any) but rather the people whom I met.

On the first day, some relative whom I had not seen for years came to visit my granny. Ha. The funny thing was they thought we were children of my dad’s youngest brother. In another word, they could not recognize both my sis and I – in a good way, ok! =D By the way, I really hope that my cousin and I could be as close as we were a decade ago. Not that we had ever quarreled before, but somehow, there is a wave of awkwardness between us. Okay, in short, every family has their share of problems so I keep reminding myself to ignore it.

On the third day, I told a close friend to come by my house before meeting the rest of them for some visiting. If it wasn’t me, he would have to either stay in Cityhall for at least two hours OR go home and come out again - which is more tedious compared to coming to my house. After which, he and I met the rest of them but I left 1.5hours later as I had to meet my granny and sis for a movie and dinner. It was a very short meet up but I enjoyed myself because I realized that I laughed and talked a lot which I had not done so for quite some time already. =D Most importantly, I would not be able to see them until at least June 2011 or even a year later. =x

We (my granny, sis and I) enjoyed the dinner; however the portion was too big for us to finish everything. The movie (It’s a great, great world) was fantastic. It was shown in a mixture of dialects such as Hokkien and Teochew and taught me a lot on the old Great World City in a touching yet light-hearted manner. I doubt that anyone would say, “Boo” to this show. ^^ Some people told me that from the way I save (money), I would never be a generous person. After so much have happened, I have to beg to differ. I will only be generous to the right people – not one or two only. =)

Anyway, this could easily be my last entry till at least June 2011.

Rules of palm



1. Don't be too hard on myself

2. It is okay to cry

3. Ignore unconstructive & negative remarks

4. Don't expect much from ANYONE

5. Be mentally strong



For so many times, I just want to stick to one thing - either a full time worker OR student (opportunity cost = no money for my school fees but more time for revision. Ha). If you are a full time student, you can simply enjoy your holidays when you finish your exams. Of course, some will be working but other than that you would be enjoying your days when you need not work. For us (people who go through what I go through), when you finish your exams, it would mean going back to work immediately (because your employers would expect you to take as little leave as possible) with a different level of stress - NO break at all. I am still skeptical about handling everything. Oh well....



Dear friends, no words can describe how thankful I am to have you guys to simply be there listening to my complaints and encouraging me to keep going!

If the people whom you wish could return to your life suddenly appear in your life again, would you accept their return? If yes, think again.

2days’ home

I started to have sorethroat on Sunday and found it quite strange. According to my diet habit, I hardly have any fast food, fried food, soft drinks or even my favourite chocolate. Not that I am an extremely health conscious individual but rather I find that it is a waste of money to spend on unhealthy food. =/

After a conversation with someone on Sunday night, I woke up with heartache and gradually got worse – by having flu, cough and sorethroat. I bore with the dizziness in the office for 2 days and even went for my lessons. However, it was raining heavily on Tuesday evening; hence I was partially caught in the rain due to my laziness (to open my umbrella to shelter myself from the bus stop to the bus. I already felt weak at that time, and it was very crowded at the bus stop. Hence it added on to my unwillingness). Thereafter, I caught a fever – yes, another illness added to my list.

Ah ha. That was how I managed to get my 2days MC. I was being told (by my friends) to leave my notes alone so that I could have a proper rest. I seriously think that this is what I need – to spend time alone. I spent most of the first day chatting with my friends and watching 3 online movies.

I am thankful to have people who care for me and a classmate even bought a bottle of ‘liang teh’ for me. =D

I slept so much earlier on that I have trouble sleeping now. =/

I really loved the time away from work and stress. This is something which I have not felt for a long, long time. It is like breathing in FRESH AIR! *wide smile*

I thought of someone again. When I cried, that person would say, “不要哭..我不喜欢看你哭..” with a sad and helpless expression and a firm yet gentle tone. In English translation, it will be, “Don’t cry...I don’t like to see you cry.” Recently, when I felt like crying, I would think of it and magically stop crying. It served as a form of comfort to me. I cannot stop but to recall every single memories we shared. Everything happened for a reason, isn't it? On the other hand, sometimes I really wish that it didn't happen at all. A few months back, I was recalling one of the earliest events we shared on the MRT. I was thinking so hard that I suddenly saw the reflection of that person on the window. I thought it was an illusion so I closed my eyes and opened again to look at it. It was that person! Then, my heartbeat started to speed up. Somehow, I managed to muster my courage to look at the real person and that supposedly illusion was not a false alarm. I thought I would be okay but I started to shiver a little and felt like crying. I did tear a bit. The world is so small. Perhaps, for a long, long time, I would not be able to get over it unless someone gains my trust again.

Oh, I just got to know that one of my good friends got attached! I feel happy for you! =D Wow, I am still single – comfortably single.

Good night all!♥

.

So...the truth hurts even more...

A type of ship


Friendship is not a competition which you compare the number of friends you have with other people. The number of friends you have does not determine your personality alone but other factors as well. We can never compare because of our background, lifestyle or personality is different from one another. I think I am able to survive if I don't have any close ones anymore. Yes, feeling lonely is a nasty feeling but I can easily fill the void with something else. Some people give me this impression that one should have many, many friends. These people amazingly have the ability to make me feel inferior about myself. Despite of this, I still stick to my principle - even if I have very few friends, I am fine with it. A true friendship requires time and effort to maintain it so... to me, it shows how important they are to me. Besides, making new friends has always been a challenge to me because I never like or rather feel uncomfortable to take initiative to approach people.

Time...is something precious to me especially for this period of time. If I am willing to fork out some time to do something with you, you really mean something to me. However, if I do not, it does not mean that you mean nothing to me!

Tug O' War



All this while, I have been trying extremely hard to look for something optimistic to fill the void in this blog but there is just nothing. =/


Handling my full time work and part-time degree makes me think that I am having two boyfriends. Both of them are actually equally important so it makes handling them more difficult. You must spend time with both of them as you want to impress both of them (in the sense that you want to do well in both areas). When you do, you will have lesser time for yourself. In another word, you have to be selfless, i.e., put them before yourself. I have less than 24hours – in total but not in one shot - free time a week. I have to return to my office on alternate Saturday so this is how tight my schedule is. Lesson learnt: never have external affairs. =x

After the old folks’ home event, I will spend all my free time studying – after work when I have no lessons and during my weekends. I have already reserved a weekend after work for a movie with a friend, 2 separate Saturdays for my haircut and dental checkup, a day after work to celebrate sis and another friend’s birthday, a weekend to go cycling and have dinner with a friend, new year countdown for the pretty fireworks and cheers (perhaps I should skip it), CNY visiting (hope that it is only for a day and perhaps, another half a day with friends). Other than this, I seriously do not think that I will want to go out anymore until I finish my exams in May 2011.

Perhaps, it will be good in a sense that I can save up more (money). When February comes, more than two thousands dollars will be gone for my sky-high exam fees and not forgetting June, at least six thousands dollars will be gone for my school fees. If you call this an ‘investment’, I call this ‘a hundred steps closer to hell’. >.<

Women's Multiplication Theory


Extracted from my idol's twitter:

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She mutliplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."


This made me smile. Do you think it is true? Either way, I think it is a very funny theory! =D

To Let Go


To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

I happened to see this when I was searching for some emails. Don't you think that it is something very meaningful? I am not too sure if it was written for me or found somewhere when I was going through a tough time. Anyway, you know who you are, THANK YOU for being there! =)

Something strange is happening too. Lately, I start to recollect every minor event. It is like a broken video – playing bits by bits. This makes me feel guiltier by the minute.

How do I forgive myself?

A day out to Sentosa


On this day, I recalled many things. Last year of this month, the horrible thing happened.

I only managed to sleep after 12am as I was home late from the chocolate buffet. Speaking of which, I think other than the fact that it was at the hotel which I wanted to visit for so long, a great ambience and I was with great company, it was not worth it to spend that much due to the lack of variety.

On this very day, I had to wake up at 5am to collect the volleyball from my friend. I could not remember that my alarm clock rang, let alone me switching it off. But, out of a sudden which I often do, I jumped up and looked at the time which reflected 5.05am. The nightmare began when I realized that dad was in the bathroom. I wondered how I could get out of the house but in the midst of it, I quickly packed a small bag. When I opened my door again, the toilet was just being flushed so it denoted that he would begin bathing after that. Hence, I seized the opportunity by sneaking out of the house. Lots of questioning would be conducted if I were to be caught by dad or mum.

I kept running and running and running towards Redhill MRT. I was afraid that dad might drive pass me at any time and be late as my friend had to work. It was like the dreams which I had many times – running away from home. In the dream, it was very scary too - in fact, scarier. I was afraid to be caught by anyone so I would keep running in my dreams. Like in reality, I often choose to run away from any problem. In my dreams, I would return home again because I was afraid to be caught and face the music.

It was a short but great catch up with my friend. I told him the purpose of needing the volleyball again. Then, he made a casual remark that I often organized outing back then. Did I? I could not really remember. Those were the days which I miss so much. Anyway, I shall take it that he was complimenting me. =D

Once I reached home, I quickly switched on my computer so that I could load my drama while doing my housework. I only managed to catch one episode after my bath and packing my bag.

Anyway, it was a great outing with them. It was my first time playing in a volleyball match but my apologies that I was a very bad player. =/ It was obviously not my game because I had difficulty hitting the ball over the net. But, I am sure that I could if I got very angry. =x Now, my right wrist, legs and back hurt so much. To be very honest, I kept looking out for any sight/shadow of someone yesterday. Sigh...

All in all, I had a great weekend!

Lastly, I was touched by a message which I received in the later part of this week. I thought that you would forget me after making many new friends and we have not been really talking to each other lately. However, I told myself that you are not this sort of person. True enough, that message verified that. =D Thank you!

I realised that my happy drink is bubble tea! My mood will become better after drinking a cup of bubble tea when I am moody.

One year has past. How have you been doing?

End of July 2010


Time flies away so fast. Time is scary. Time never waits. Time is a monster. Time….

The feeling of attending lessons after work is really no good. I am trying very hard to pay attention because I am totally on my own and my attention span is really short. By the way, as what my friends told me, it is really hard to make friends in class. So, I am glad that I managed to make a friend. No matter how hard it is, I will tell myself not to give up. There is no “if” but only “definitely”. =)

Since my last entry, I am still doing self-reflection. I hate how little time I have and the limited amount I can use every month (maybe I can help the school to wash their toilets so that I don’t have to pay so much school fees? =x) My time, youth and friendships are my last bets (or, being exchanged) for the better future I want to work hard for. I knew it very clearly so I must make my sacrifices worthwhile. I do treasure and love my time, youth and friendships but……I know I am missing out a lot of things. I will try hard to be more optimistic!

Sometimes when I visit my blog, it seems like my life is empty because I never write down the activities I had/will be having. In fact, everything is embossed (yes, embossed) in my tiny brain and heart. When you come across certain things, all the memories will start to haunt you uncontrollably.

Dear friends, Chu Er is missing you, you AND you......!

The verdict


My route for the next 3 years: having a full time job and doing my part time degree.

I think that I am just fated to do this but really thankful for those who helped and encouraged me for the last 6months. Sorry that I did not get in but at least I tried and realised that there were many who had faith in me.


I have already done its bridging course which gave me a taste of it, making me think that I was about to die of tiredness. I am already so tired after work but I still have to squeeze the little precious time I have for lessons and revisions. To be frank, it strained my emotion health. However, the most stressful part is not how well I can score for my exams but how I can fork out money to pay my school fees. I was so worried that I wished I could rob a bank – nah~ just kidding. If you know me veryyyyy well, you will know that I will only depend on myself – Life taught me to be independent but never dependent on others.

Anyway, time really flies away so fast. I will be in that company for a year next month on the 20th which is also my manager’s birthday. I made a joke (as always) out of it that I am a gift to her but she did not receive it because she took leave. She asked why I did not place a ribbon on my head. Ha ha. This one year has been quite difficult for me because it is my first permanent job after all. I was not afraid of anything but the interviewing part as it required me to interview people with good qualification/working experience or came from good background (as in school) at times.

My first few attempts with briefing the T&C were horrible because I kept stumbling upon my words. It reminded me of my English oral and how people laugh(ed) at my spoken English. But I still smiled because I did not want to give up. I did not tell anyone that I was afraid. My principle is, if others are able to perform the job, why should I give up without even given a chance to try? So, I made it.

My first few attempts with looking for people to fill permanent positions were worse because I could not understand some of the job descriptions. The worst part was when the horrible thing happened to me and when I was asked to sit beside my manager to assist her. I wonder how I managed to go through that period when crying was part of my life. Tears kept flowing inwards but life went on. But, I made it through too.

Of course, the good thing is, my manager and another colleague are always helpful – I like them most of the time. Although I have not said anything (just my personality), I am really, really so grateful to have them. My manager is often so motherly. She gave me a hug and tried to console me when I cried which touched me a lot but I never said anything. For my other colleague, she would be so patient by answering my questions which I asked before because I was afraid to ask my manager again. =/ (If I could, I would tell them that I am sorry for hurting them with my words at times.=[)

Through this job, I realized that parents would do anything for their kids. I am greatly disturbed by some issues like parents called in on behalf of their children to look for temporary jobs for them or when they spoke up for their kids when anything happened. This was when we would have to be very patient (and professional) with them even though it really wasted our precious time. In actual fact, I was deeply touched by their actions because they ignored their pride and helped them. Now, the question is, what about the kids? Some are spoilt to the extent that travelling for 5-6 MRT stops is considered far. How ridiculous can this get? People in other countries have to travel for hours before they reach their workplace! Some even asked their parents to call in and ask about their salary. Sometimes…when it is not your day, you just want to be sarcastic with them.

I can write a list of what-to-do and what-not-to-do during and after your interview. You may think that it is obvious but many people dug their own graveyard which caused them to fail the interview. Another important thing is resume. Some resumes are so messy that……

For now, Chu Er will concentrate on her studies and job (to build on my resume!). It will leave me with very limited time for myself and loved ones so this will be yet a test of many things. Oh well, this will not be forever (this sentence is so familiar and it reminds of…) My ultimate goal is to get a job which can help people so I need to work hard first.

On my way to work, sometimes a stranger would board the same bus as me after a few bus stops. The stranger had the same hairstyle (thick hair), side view and figure. I would stare at the stranger throughout my bus ride. Is it very silly? It may be silly but just my personal, special moment which no one can comprehend.



Till then…

Reminisce



A few days ago, I realized that all my emails were gone so I posted it on my social networking website. Then, a nice friend came to my rescue by giving me a link to retrieve everything back. It worked two days later but the bad thing is, I had to sort out my emails as everything was placed in my inbox. To make things easier (in a sense), I started from the latest to the earlier emails. Seriously, it was like a transportation back to the past as I was forced to read all the emails just in case I deleted any important ones. Some emails really brought back really good memories whereas some are still like nightmares to me.

Like there was this period of time which I cried almost every day for a year because I was so frightened and upset about an issue. That issue even caused a strain in the relationship with someone I cherished, believe it or not. Sometimes, I am glad that it happened because at least I knew that that someone whom I cherished would not go through thick and thin with me. However, that issue made me think some people are really scheming, heartless, selfish or/and unreasonable. (So, I never really believe in the logic of treating someone nice so as to get the same return OR treat people the way you want to be treated. ) I literally went through everything by myself until there was a point (more than half way through the whole thing) when someone else went through the same injustice with me. Then, after that, a close friend went through the same thing as me. It really comforted me a lot, not because of what they went through but how they could understand how I felt at that point of time. I told myself that I was not alone in this. That period of time forced me to struggle with many decisions but I never executed them because I did not want to spoil what we had already built up.

Sweet memories became nightmares too. Everything started well but gradually… Up to date, I still think that it is my fault. Perhaps, I have not completely forgiven myself. I often tell myself that there is nothing I can do to make any change because it was a fact that I went through the horrible journey.

Through a chat, a friend told me about someone. The truth shocked me. Why can’t people be much simpler? If they do this, that wouldn’t happen. If they don't do that, this wouldn't happen. If...



Anyway, I have been thinking a lot, mainly about myself. I am glad that I always make my plans, believe in depending on myself (only) and to suffer now and enjoy later (by the way, I am still suffering =[). Everything must be fated because of what I have gone through, I realized who my true friends are. They are just there for me whenever I need them. I know that it has never been easy to be my friends because of the many issues I face. I am also aware that I can be a bitch at times. Okay, the main thing is, I must be strong and persevere on. The painful experience causes me not to be as gullible as before (or rather not to trust someone as easily). By the way, I finally know what sense of security is. Ha.





I will see my ray of hope sooon. Thank you friends, Chu Er is so blessed to have you people. In fact, I am blessed in many ways. =]

Where everything falls into place...

Too attached


I found out something which I dreamt of months ago came true. It hit me so hard that I broke down in the office during my lunch time which worried some of my colleagues. At that moment, I wanted to leave everything aside and go home but I could not because it would mean that all my hard work and efforts will go into the drain. In addition, I felt that my wound was being opened up again. Due to the fear that it may become a gossip, I decided that none of them should know the real reason behind my tears. This is the punishment for being too attached. It is not anyone but my fault for believing that it will not end in this way but in a better, civilised way. I realised how heartless, cruel or hardhearted someone can be - something that has being reminded time and time again. Even at the last moment, I still held that tiny belief that it might become better - not about the outcome but the way it is being handled. To my disappointment, it did not happen. I have asked myself many times if I have regretted, my answer is still a firm no. It will remain as a bittersweet memory which I would smile at when going to certain places. Sadly, I lost all the faith and belief I used to have. I know and cannot deny that I would still tear over it at times but it just cannot be helped until...probably when my trust is being gained or I finally let it go. Till now, it is still unbelievable. There are things which I can let go easily but not all especially...something which does not come by easily, I cry over so many times, I fight (fought) to get everything in place, I thought would be perfect and work out well at the end of the day.

Chu Er will be fine, one day. Her broken heart will be fixed. She will be ready embrace the new challenges in life - erm, as in more challenges. She needs to forgive herself and stops blaming herself for whatever that happened.



Hating you is something I want yet cannot bear to do so. The pain, the hurt, the frustration, the disappointment, the confusion.......do you understand?

如果一切从来，结果还会一样吗？

Found this somewhere and thought that it is quite meaningful or rather sweeeeeeet, i.e. if it happens on you.

Un-abandon


Before anyone thinks that I am abandoning this blog, I will blog something. I would say that so much had happened – more unhappiness than happiness, really even though I am trying very hard to cheer up.


I am trying to think through things. I know that I need more time to get over something. I am told to remember the happy things and so I did. Guess what? It backfires what I thought would be the best for me. As I remember the happy times, it hurts me much more and reminds me what I have lost. Of course, I will not deny that I have learnt a lot from it but am convinced that I will not find someone better. This further proves that time is not the best healer. More than 9 months have past but I am still very hurt. I no longer confide in friends about it anymore because it all depends on me now.

Oh. I just heard that a friend is going to be hospitalized so I will visit him on this Saturday since I will not be working. It is already hard on me that it is on the extreme east side. The news that I have to alight at Simei really makes me dread going there. I am very, very sure that I am not ready to meet into someone because the sight of that someone will cause me to be teary and emotional even though I will put on my best act and smile like everything is well.

That place will remind me of all the bittersweet memories I had. They are one of the best ones in my whole life. You may not know how much it means to me but it really is. It is not the outcome that hurts but how it ended. I thought it was a very selfish and irresponsible decision. Oh well......

Other than that, I am pretty fine with visiting him because I have not seen him for years already.

I have too much to say. Everyone says that if I don’t say anything, no one knows that I am not okay. But, I am really so bad at expressing myself that I do not know how to put my thoughts into words. If I feel that what I say will affect someone a lot, I would rather keep all my thoughts to myself.

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to a radio station. The DJ said that one of the ways to maintain a marriage is to prevent talking about your colleagues, work related matters or any unhappiness to your other half. It seems like it is wrong to talk about your unhappiness? As I grow up, I feel that I will not be able to maintain my marriage if I ever had one especially when divorce rate is getting higher and higher. I label myself as a boring person even though most or all my colleagues/some friends think that I am a joker who makes them laugh easily. As a matter of fact, I prefer to listen because I cannot think of better things to voice out and afraid that what I say is boring. Another thing is; if you heard of “her bark is worse than her bite”, I am just like this. I may not say the nicest words but I can be genuinely concerned about someone/something. This shows that I am a pure Asian. Ha. Perhaps, I am used to be independent and not used to be close to others so I think that a lot of things are hard to me. Like, you will never see me holding anyone's hands for no reason which a lot of girls love to. You see, I am more confident to excel in my work than having any form of relationship e.g. friendship with anyone unless that someone is tolerant, patient and understanding. I am not a kid but everyone has a "kid" in us so there will be times when I can be unreasonable or insensitive. Isn't it natural? Of course I am sure that there are still people who really love and care for me.


For now, I reckon that I would read all books found in the library if I never got married. Nono, mission trip to 3rd world countries! I have not given up on this. =)