WHERE RAINBOWS END

A Pleasant Surprise

2012-02-07T22:25:00.001+08:00

A Pleasant Surprise

How oftendo you get surprises on a plain normal day? I am not referring to the surprisesfrom your loved ones here.

Due to somerestructuring, I need to undergo a lot of trainings for my new jobscope which Iam very grateful for. Anyway, that is beside the point. Since there was alesson this morning till late evening, I tried to use the precious 30 minutesbefore my lesson to finish my tasks. Imagine how tired and blanked out (on topof the previous late night chats with some friends) I was when I finally managedto rush out for my lesson. Then, I nearly bumped into the man who just steppedout of another lift. Before I was about to apologise to him, I stared at him fora few seconds in silence because I thought that he looked so familiar. At thatpoint of time, I was still in my dreamy self. Nevertheless, I managed to askhim skeptically, “Are you XXX?” He simply replied, “Ya, you don’t recognize meafter two years?” Hahahaha. After his reply confirmed my doubt, I started toshout at him excitedly even though there were quite a number of people there.

Basically,he and I had been trying hard to fix a date to meet up for the past two yearsbut our schedules just did not permit us to do so.

Now, itmakes common sense why it was a pleasant surprise for me?

In fact,another similar surprise occurred on last Friday evening but the impact wasn’tas huge. Even so, both incidences mademe smile. I sound so silly, aren’t I? :p

Happy UnhappyFruitful 2011

2011-12-31T23:59:00.012+08:00

~~Happy~~ ~~Unhappy~~Fruitful 2011

I know some may say that it is a Monkey-Do-Monkey-Say thing to write a post about your entire year but if you know how horrible the start of my 2011 was, it explains how well there is a need for me to do so.

Even though I have been through the full-time-work-and-part-time-degree cycle for the second year, I have not exactly gotten used to it. There are so many struggles along the way. One of the best things that happens along the way is knowing I have great friends who never leave me and never cease to give me moral support and encouragement. Without them, I am unsure if I would ever make it for my first year. Doing your degree is so different from diploma (like, duh!) in the sense that you cannot simply throw in what you have memorized. For a person like me who dislikes wasting my brain cells, it is tough. Hahaha.

In addition, it also takes a lot for one to have a constant revision for at least nine solid months while doing a full time job (with no vacation or breaks at all). I depend on that once-a-year exam to move on to another level of my degree, hence the importance of every exam. Not only that, I also make a lot of sacrifices - rest, sleep, favourite/proper food/meals, friends, family, etc. - along the way. How easy can it be especially you have to go through whole thing for at least two years? It is a matter of making the impossible, possible and being disciplined. Sometimes, along the way, I forgot what my priorities are anymore.

For my second year of University education, I chose lesser modules compared to my first year. I thought that the stress level was overwhelming and I could not do overtime for my work in my first year, hence the decision. However so, I still find it difficult to cope with my revision. I believe that it is either due to the high level of overtime required for my current job or I have become more complacent which explains what I am going through now. Other than this, I think I have lost track of the reality - in terms of the new artists and latest television programs/shows excluding new English songs because I never fail to listen to my favourite radio station everyday. I count myself lucky if I could fork out time to read online news. But, please don't discuss the latest shows with me because you would only be wasting your time. Hahaha.

Other than that, I am very much on my own. All this while, I suffer from insomnia on most nights due to the stress from my work, studies and financial issues - I still cannot figure out which is my major problem. It is not just simply managing your time and finances well and you will be able to handle these issues. There are some who arrogantly told me that it is all about time management until they start doing the same like me to know how difficult it is to handle everything. *shrug* No, I am not trying to prove anything but rather to point out that if I tell you that I am having some problems, then I am really having some problems. People who know me very well will know that I tend to keep everything to myself and only tell others or ask others for help when I am about to “explode”. Urgh, I just never learn my lessons. One day, if you ever hear a loud explosion, you might have guessed that I have finally exploded. Haha. Okay, I have to admit that I have not trusted anyone enough to express all my thoughts. *Shrug* I have my good reasons for that.

I am also happy to say that I have gotten out recruitment industry because I know that this is not what I want to do in future. Most importantly, I need not try so hard to convince others I am not out to cheat the students’ money and that not all companies do that too. In all industries, there is bound to have some black sheep. This is a norm! Within a small community, there will be some black sheep as well. Like, duh! You can imagine all the embarrassment and disappointments that I went through when people still refused to believe me after all my explanations - Okay, I care too much how others judge me and the things I do. It also shows that you do not understand this *ahem* kind hearted Chu Er well. I am too soft-hearted to cheat others’ money. Tsk tsk. I am sure that I would be one of the first people who leave the company if I know that I need to cheat others in order to get my salary.

Now, I am in a totally different industry – not exactly one which I expected to be in – but I am still glad that I am working for them because I learn something new even though it is the most stressful job which I have ever done. Ha. Many people out there are not as appreciative as what I expected them to be. I used to think that Singaporeans complain a lot or rather, being very unreasonable but…I was wrong about this concept until I encountered more people. I just hope that I would not be part of this group. Really, ugly. :/

Another thing which I realized and learnt is that it is not true that the older you get, the more mature you will be. I was wrong. There is always a childish side in everybody of all ages. It is a matter of more or less, really. But again, who am I to judge others? I just hope that the childish side of me will depreciate as I age. Ha.

Another good thing that happened this year is, I managed to catch up with a number of long lost friends whom I had not talked to for 1 – 4 years. Ha. Actually, all these years, I still hope that a misunderstanding between a friend and I could be resolved but I know it is a wishy-washy thought of mine. Oh well, I will take it as a lesson learnt – don’t mind about other’s business too much. If they refuse to heed your advice, why bother? You know you have tried your best. :)

For the coming new year, I am sure that it won't be an easy and a smooth-sailing one for me due to some reasons. No matter what would happen, I would try to be optimistic and strong for people who love me. :) Oh yeah, happy 2012!

Happy Sunday!

2011-12-04T23:59:00.006+08:00

Happy Sunday!

I want to pen down all the happy things which occurred today to remind myself that life is not always so bad!

Completed my 10km within my targeted timing. When I saw the actual timing, it was slightly faster than my targeted one. :)
I managed to collect buddy’s birthday cake in time which allowed WL and I to carry out the surprise plan. Buddy was pretty surprised, weren’t you? :) Happy birthday in advance, buddy! :D
I finally wrote my wishes on the white big ball which will be thrown onto the sea by end of this end year, along with others. It was my first try! :)
BH and I had a good catch up over lunch after we parted our ways with WL and Buddy. But, both of us walked like as though we were crippled. :/
I washed my shoes after they were being “soaked” in the mud during the bag deposit and collection before and after the run respectively. Imagine the front part of my shoes were brown in color when they are supposed to be white (strictly speaking, not really white anymore)! Tsk tsk. My legs felt worse after washing them because I washed them by squatting down in the bathroom at the same time. :/
I had a great bath. :) I felt so dirty throughout the day until I had my bath in the late afternoon after I finished washing my shoes. :/
There are a lot of newly pretty tagged photos! :D I managed to pick one to replace my display photo on facebook because I am tired of looking at the same one after almost six months. :p
I enjoyed my day so much that I felt like crying when it was already 6pm. :x
I managed to sleep before 12am! :)

Happy Chu Er's day! ^^

A Carefree Saturday

2011-10-01T23:24:00.004+08:00

A Carefree Saturday

After three months, I finally met up with an ex colleague whom I was rather close to from my old company. Now, he would call me ‘Chu Er’ which I am not used to it yet because my colleagues would call me by my English name for everyone’s convenience. Anyway, it was a great meet up with him because we managed to fill each other with details which we missed out for the past three months. He was still the same old talkative him. Ha. This is good because the meet up would never be awkward. =)

Following that, I finally met up with buddy! On my way to meet up with my ex colleague, I received a message from buddy asking me if I wanted to watch ‘Friends with Benefits’. At that moment, I was quite excited about it because I wanted to ask him about it the night before our outing. As usual, I never fail to love watching comedy romance so I really liked that show especially when it ended with a happy ending. =) After chilling out at the esplanade, we even took some photos together! I think the last time we took a picture together was more than nine months ago. =/ I personally think we look good in those photos. =D It was a short but great meet up, as well and as always. ^^

I wish I had more weekends like today. It made me feel so relaxed. Sigh, I will try to be optimistic until everything ends. =(

Take care, buddy! We will see each other again in December! =D =D I will always remember you! =)

Cycling in the East

2011-08-07T21:42:00.005+08:00

Cycling in the East

Before I start a proper revision (time check: 8.47pm. Slap me! I had been lazing on my bed for almost whole of today when I am supposed to do my assignment too), I would like to write a short entry about yesterday. I just feel that it was something worth remembering, hence I decided to pen it down.

Okay, it was like a short holiday for my two other colleagues and I because we went for 2.5days course since last Thursday. I enjoyed it even though our course was terribly boring! =/ Anyway, it did not really matter because at least we stayed away from work for a little while. (I don’t think boss reads my blog, right? =x) Yesterday evening, a few of us met up for cycling at East Coast Park. Basically, we cycled from East Coast Park to Changi Villege for our dinner. Along the way, we passed by the departure ground for the planes too. It was a beautiful scene especially cycling under a nice weather.

You crossed my mind as well. It was one of the places which you promised to bring me to but did not manage to bring me there. I wish you did not cross my mind but you did. It has been more than two years. Why didn’t you go away? Hopefully one day you would stop coming to my mind whenever I go to the East.

I ordered the famous nasi lemak and milo dinosaur for my dinner. Hahaha. So much so for cycling so hard yet I still ordered such fattening food. Slap me please. =x Oh yes, after that, we cycled back to East Coast Park. The total journey which we cycled is estimated to be about 42km. Luckily I make sure that I swim and run for an hour for each activity each week otherwise I swear that I would not survive yesterday. The only issue I faced was that my hands and fingers were so pain and numb during the ride because I held the handlebar grip very tightly. Reason being, I had a bad fall from the bicycle many years back, hence I was so afraid that I would fall again. =/

After that, some of us went to a country club for drinks and a few games of pool. Again, I never failed to make them with my words and actions. HAHAHA.

(Okay, I decided not to do any revision today since it is already 10pm and I dare not check the deadline for my assignment too. =x)

Miss you hell lot.

A FATHER'S RULES FOR FINDING FULFILLMENT

2011-08-01T20:16:00.012+08:00

A FATHER'S RULES FOR FINDING FULFILLMENT

{An extract from an article. This is awesomely meaningful!}

Be courteous, be punctual, always say please and thank you, and be sure to hold your knife and fork properly. Others take their cue on how to treat you from your manners.
Be kind, considerate and compassionate when others are in trouble, even if you have problems of your own. Others will admire your selflessness and will help you in due course.
Show moral courage. Do what is right, even if that makes you unpopular. I always thought it is important to be able to look at myself in the shaving mirror every morning and not feel guilt or remorse. I depart this world with a pretty clear conscience.
Show humility. Stand your ground but pause to reflect on what the other side are saying, and back off when you know you are wrong. Never worry about losing face. That only happens when you are pig-headed.
Learn from your mistakes. You will make plenty so use them as a learning tool. If you keep making the same mistake or run into a problem, you’re doing something wrong.
Avoid disparaging someone to a third party; it is only you who will look bad. If you have a problem with someone, tell them face to face.
Hold fire! If someone crosses you, don’t react immediately. Once you say something it can never be taken back, and most people deserve a second chance.
Have fun. If this involves taking risks, so be it. If you get caught, hold your hands up.
Give to charity and help those who are less fortunate than yourselves: it’s easy and so rewarding.
Always look on the upside! The glass is half full, never half empty. Every adversity has a silver lining if you seek it out.
Make it your instinct always to say ‘yes’. Look for reasons to do something, not reasons to say no. Your friends will cherish you for that.
Be canny: you will get more of what you want if you can give someone more of what they desire. Compromise can be king.
Always accept a party invitation. You may not want to go, but they want you there. Show them courtesy and respect.
Never ever let a friend down. I would bury bodies for my friends, if they asked me to . . . which is why I have chosen them carefully.
Always tip for good service. It shows respect. But never reward poor service. Poor service is insulting.
Always treat those you meet as your social equal, whether they are above or below your station in life. For those above you, show due deference, but don’t be a sycophant.
Always respect age, as age equals wisdom.
Be prepared to put the interests of your sibling first.
Be proud of who you are and where you come from, but open your mind to other cultures and languages. When you begin to travel (as I hope you will), you’ll learn that your place in the world is both vital and insignificant. Don’t get too big for your breeches.
Be ambitious, but not nakedly so. Be prepared to back your assertions with craftsmanship and hard work.
Live every day to its full: do something that makes you smile or laugh, and avoid procrastination.
Give of your best at school. Some teachers forget that pupils need incentives. So if your teacher doesn’t give you one, devise your own.
Always pay the most you can afford. Never skimp on hotels, clothing, shoes, make-up or jewellery. But always look for a deal. You get what you pay for.
Never give up! My two little soldiers have no dad, but you are brave, big-hearted, fit and strong. You are also loved by an immensely kind and supportive team of family and friends. You make your own good fortune, my children, so battle on.
Never feel sorry for yourself, or at least don’t do it for long. Crying doesn’t make things better.
Look after your body and it will look after you.
Learn a language, or at least try. Never engage a person abroad in conversation without first greeting them in their own language; by all means ask if they speak English!
And finally, cherish your mother, and take very good care of her.

I love you both with all my heart.
Daddy x

Hey Batam, we met again!

2011-07-31T10:15:00.007+08:00

Hey Batam, we met again!

If you are anticipating for a lighter entry, this would be the one which you are looking for. Oh yes, I am back from Batam last evening.

Before the trip, I was worried about a few issues such as staying in a hotel (as I heard too much horror stories with regard to staying in a hotel) and also looking after someone. Most importantly, I skipped one lesson for this trip. Most people (including Sis) encouraged me to go because the chances are, I might not even pay full attention to it.

On the first night, we reached the hotel later than they had planned to, hence we could not go for our massage session. As such, we had to skip to our second activity which was to enjoy our spread of seafood! In fact, we could have gone for our massage first but we could not because the hosts had already ordered the food for us.

All I could say is, I had not tried so much seafood at one go before! However, I did not really eat fried food because fried food is never really my cup of tea. Also, I drank very little beer because I did not want to get drank. =p One of the most unexpected outcomes of this trip was, a few of them got drank. Not forgetting the fact that I really laughed my head off that night because the “bully” at work was the joke of the night. In the end, I became the nurse of the night because the “work” was thrown to me. Even so, it was not a wasted effort because I was pretty entertained to see the drunken state of the “bully”. Of course, I would not let this chance slip by without getting my “revenge” done. *evil smirk* On the way back to Singapore, I related the entire episode to the “bully” which brought about disbelief in him. HAHAHA. Otherwise, my first night there was more peaceful than I expected it to be. Oh yes, my room mate told me that I did not snore at all. =D

On the next day, I woke up at about 7am which I guess it was due to the fact that I slept in a stranger place, hence I could not really sleep well. After which, we went to have our breakfast at the hotel’s restaurant which tasted horrible to me.

After which, it was the start of our adventure! The host was pretty nice to help us hire two cabs so that they could bring to any place which we requested for (of course we paid for it ourselves). The first stop was to a shopping mall. However, it was a shame that we did not manage to shop in there as it was still very early. Nevertheless, something else made up for it. It was of course the first massage session of the trip! Most including myself chose the scalp and foot massage which only cost S$26! My hair still feels so smooth now! =D

Following there, we quickly rushed to a place for our lunch. Most ordered the Soto Ayam which was not to my liking at all. Luckily my ice milk tea was not too bad. Of course, I could make a much tastier ice milk tea! =p It was a quick lunch as we had to rush back to the hotel to check out our room. Since we still had so much time to spare, we decided to use its facility – the Jacuzzi and Sauna. There is always a first time for everything which we try and so it was my first time trying it too. I must say that it was pretty relaxing!

Finally, we managed to spend the time away so that we could go for our long awaited full body massage!

Not that the massage was not good but rather the entire experience was a little awkward to me. Luckily, I went for a back massage once in Singapore before so at least I knew that I need to remove my top (including my bra) otherwise I would be an embarrassment. =/ However, what I was not prepared was that, the masseur would view my entire breasts as well. She must have thought that I was quite funny because I would use the towel to cover them whenever I can during the entire session. Since I opted to do a body scrub as well, it would mean that she had to help me scrub my breasts as well. Okay, at least she asked me if she could do it. The way she asked me was pretty funny.

She: “Can I do *pointing at my breasts* here?”

Me: *Smiling shyly and shook my head*

Yes, I really feel uncomfortable for another person other than myself to touch my breasts. (Okay, hopefully I do not have any underage reader=/) Anyway, my skin still feels so smooth after the scrub. =D

After the massage, we went to retrieve our luggage and headed to the ferry terminal. Last but not least, we had a sumptuous dinner at this open air hawker near to Saint James.

Overall, I did not regret making the choice of joining them for this trip and wish it was a longer one. Now, I am suffering a hangover from it. Urgh, I need to be back to work to tomorrow. =(

All right, it is time for a short nap before I do my revision. Ha. I know it is weird to have it now but I woke up at 7.30am earlier on for my run. Not only do I have a need to train for my 10km race but also to shed off the additional and unwanted fats!

Before I end off, I want to say that I still love Batam! =) A friend and I are thinking of going to Vietnam either this or next year. I am positive that I would love there as well. =D

River of tears

2011-07-27T20:07:00.006+08:00

River of tears

Recently, I wonder if I should resume my habit of penning down the 3 things which make me smile everyday. Reason being, things on my end have been getting worse and I am having the thought of giving up on both my studies and work again. I need a reason to stay strong and continue with whatever I have been working hard for. Is it me or the things which I deal with? I am unsure. My fighting spirit is diminishing soon. Yes, I am grateful to have people constantly encouraging me and listening to my endless complaints but ultimately, it still depends on myself. This is like an endless war. Again, I wonder how war survivors survived the war when things would be far worse for them. When I wake up in the morning, I wish could sleep for the rest of the day, week, month and year because I am reluctant and have lost the motivation to fulfill my obligations. Yes, I am a coward. Scold me.

I think…I don't want to share my problems with anyone anymore because I feel guilty for doing so. I hate to make anyone worry. Let me keep everything to myself, okay? Sorry, I really want to post something positive but it is just so difficult. Who is willing to elope with me? I can do housework, cook a little and be a good entertainer if required.

My apologies for endless of unhappy entries. Perhaps I will write a happier one for the next entry because I will be going to Batam for a short trip with my colleagues over the weekend. =) (Like finally I could go overseas with my friend/colleagues, right?)

I will continue to smile and laugh like nobody’s business. Let me rot.

Time check: 3 weeks

2011-07-17T01:16:00.011+08:00

Time check: 3 weeks

Within this period of time, I have experienced many things which I should have when I was much younger. However, due to so much restriction in the past, I did not go through that. But again, would I be a much different person if I did so? I don't know.

It seems like a little too late but now I know how a night life is like. But no, I have not picked up the habit of smoking yet and am not addicted to the night life. In the past, I used to wonder how it would feel like to vomit after too much drinks and now I know how terrible it was to puke as a result of that. Additionally, I know how drinks could temporary stop you from thinking especially you are down. And I am ashamed to admit that I asked a friend out for a drink on one of the days where I was really down. It helped me on that night because I was a little drunk to cry after that. Luckily for me, I have not experienced any hangover yet. = / Oh well, school is starting again so I will cut down a lot on drinks.

Sometimes I wish the whole world could understand how I feel instead of assuming how I feel. I get so tired that sometimes I would stare at them blankly and keep quiet instead of arguing and correcting what they say about me. My usual way is to smile like an idiot. Whatever. School is about to start again and I know I will start to cry a lot again because it will simply drain my emotional and mental health. I will not want to share how terrible it is to do a full time job and a part time degree as much as my first year. Period. The point is, you know that you will be entering Hell but you still have to enter it before you could achieve something you want. And, the worse is, I secretly hope that one day some people could understand what I am going through and stop expecting so much from me. I know that it will be an empty hope but what to do, I am always very silly. =(

Hello school and new friends! Goodbye freedom and see you in a year’s time! =’(

12.5 hours

2011-06-25T23:59:00.007+08:00

12.5 hours

Today was surely a day which I looked forward to because the last time I met my buddy was four months ago. I guess it just shows how busy we are with our life. Even so, our friendship never dies which is something I am glad about.

We planned to suntan at Sentosa but due to the poor weather, we had to sit under the shelter most of the time. Hence, we left early and headed to RWS to have our awesome ice cream and followed by our lunch, movie and dinner. Lastly, we headed to the rooftop at Vivocity to have a long chat with each other. (Ha, just want to summarise the activities for the whole day otherwise my entry will be quite boring.)

Hey buddy, I guess you should know that I am rather poor at expressing myself so I want to reassure you that you are very important to me. Sorry that I did not show that I cared for you over the past few years but I never took you for granted for all the things which you have done for me. Additionally, I know that I keep a lot of things from everyone including you but it does not mean that you are not important to me. No matter what, thank you for hearing me out and consoling me earlier on (you also made me realise that I have not let go of something after two years. This is something which I thought I have come to terms with but only to realise that I have been trying to deceive myself all this time). People often tell me that friends come and go which is also something I have experienced as well. For us, I believe that I can have the faith that our friendship will go on for life. Deep down, I often feel that I am a boring person so I lack the confidence to speak to others so here is another reason why I am glad to have you all these years. YOU never stop trying to make me feel good about myself, losing patience in me and being there to “catch” me when I fall. THANK YOU! <3 <3 <3 (I wrote it here so that you can read this again and again and again when you doubt our friendship and most importantly, this entry will never be deleted.)

Departure 2

2011-06-24T23:29:00.002+08:00

Departure 2

The first entry on this was on the last day (04/11/2008) of my internship which was a tearful one for me. It was only about a three months internship yet I still cried when I tried so hard not to. (In fact, I was quite surprised to catch myself crying.) So, can you imagine how hard it is on me when I worked there for about two years?

During my exams, I kept crying and crying over this because I did not bear to leave them and feared that my new colleagues would be hard to get along with. Deep in my heart, I knew that it was for a good cause. To be frank, I was in a great dilemma because I wanted to leave there so much (due to some reasons) and when I got a better offer, I wished I did not have to leave them. Sigh. Today, I tried (or perhaps did not) not to cry when my manager kept saying that I would definitely cry but I did not. I just kept smiling and laughing at everyone like nobody’s business. I only started to tear when I saw, “Sad to let you go…” on the card which she wrote on when I was on my way home.

I hope that I made the right decision because the whole thing is killing (literally) me. = / Sigh...I will miss so much stuff - the people (including the cute little Caucasian who never failed to make me smile when I saw him, those men and women), the scenery and peaceful and comfortable bus rides. The thought of starting a new job really frightens me. What if they don't appreciate what I have done? What if it is unsuitable for me? What if...?

If, everything happens for a reason...I will miss each and everyone of you deeply.

First trip in ten years – to Batam

2011-06-18T23:36:00.008+08:00

First trip in ten years – to Batam

This was one of the most fruitful activities after the conclusion of my exams. Due to many factors, I had not stepped out of this tiny island – including the neighboring countries – in ten years. Hence, I was pretty nervous yet excited at the same time. To add on, it was also my first time going overseas with my friends. =D (How pathetic when I am already 22 this year but have not tried so many things when most of my friends already did! The worse is, I am a curious person who yearns to learn as much as possible)

First of all, I was glad to receive my passport in about seven working days especially when my first photo submission was a failure and the trip was about three weeks away from the day which I applied for my passport online. As a result of that and the fact that I am a muddle-headed person in nature, I had already predicted that something (bad) would happen to me. True enough, it did. = /

My friend used my old passport number (which was using my NRIC number then) to apply for the trip, hence it did not tally with the passport number printed on my boarding pass. Before some argue that it is common sense to check it, I must emphasize that it was my first trip and my boarding pass was being requested (by the staff) to be printed again after I collected my first one. Only when we were a step away from the ferry, then the officer told me that I could not board the ferry due to the mistake. My friends and I were shocked about it. The worse was, a customer service officer blamed us for the mistake! Ha. What a joke! *roll eyes*. Not only that, she sounded very unhelpful and even said that we could only board the ferry at 12.10 pm (NOTE: our departure time was 9.20 am) WITHOUT checking it properly for us. Did she even know how worried we were especially when we were on a tour? Luckily, her colleagues were MUCH nicer and helpful by helping us to check it and ensure that we could board the ferry as it was delayed anyway. So, my friends and I and along with another stranger were being escorted to the boarding point. The whole thing took about ten minutes which could seriously scare the hell out of me.

I must say that Batam is in every way so different from our country! There are many things which we must be thankful for:

Toilet - yes, the most basic facility in here. Over there, we flushed the toilet manually by pouring water into the toilet bowl after we have done with our “business”. I am very particular about using a clean toilet so it was a little tough for me, hence I only used its toilet ONCE for the whole trip. = x In addition, please do not expect any toilet paper to be provided.
The whole process was so slow that………….(okay, I shall not indicate how we managed it just in case I offended anyone).
The houses were very run-down and so close to the other houses. In addition, it was so small that many people would have to squeeze in a small house. So, obviously, there is no storage area for their stuff. (Something which I have been wondering about – how adults make their babies when their kids sleep in the same room? =x)
I think there is no proper traffic system. A narrow road could be a two-way traffic so it is pretty dangerous to cross the road. To add on, the tour guide told us that the drivers would not stop for us to cross the road too.
There are more motorcycles than cars on the road. Not only that, a motorcycle could have 3-4 people riding on it. How skillful!
People are allowed to smoke in the shopping malls which include the restaurants. This is totally unacceptable to me. = /
They only earn $100 + (in our currency) in a month. Of course, some earn lesser than that.
It was challenging for us to spend over there because the items are calculated in tens or hundreds thousands of dollars. For us, the items are very affordable. Even so, this posed a problem to us when we had our dinner. The total bill added up to – erm, either $400, 000 + or $4M. We actually emptied our pockets but were still short of $10, 000 +. Hahaha. So, the guys had to find the money changer shop to change the currency. To add on to our anxiety, we must board the bus on time otherwise we must cab to the ferry point by ourselves. (NOTE: We were usually the last group to board the bus for most of the stops. =x) The point is, I am glad that our currency is very strong, hence calculation has been very simple for us!

It surely was an eye-opening trip for me especially when I read some books on third world countries, hence it was like a dream for me to visit these places. I am thankful for this chance and of course, not forgetting the wonderful group of people. =) Oh ya, I loved the ferry rides too! =D

P.S. I am very happy today. =D =D =D

Been awhile

2011-06-01T19:09:00.010+08:00

Been awhile

Wow, the last time I blogged was more than three months ago. During this period of time, too much have happened - a mixture of happy and sad events. It was in fact a rather morale and emotional sapping period for me. Not only that, I was in fear and worried most of the time which caused me to cry a few buckets of tears during this period of time.

Firstly, I had a strong urge to give up on whatever I have been working hard for because everything was really too much for me to handle. Knowing that not many understood what I have gone through, I kept most of the unhappiness to myself. And, I would say that it is an understatement to describe the experience of attending lessons and doing revision after work as tiring for the past one year. As a human, it can be a challenge to put work issues aside after work and concentrate on my lessons or revision after that.

Some may think that I did not manage my time well. However, the fact is, I do not have any project to help me to score and to add on, every paper is difficult to even obtain a pass. As such, it was difficult for me to go out after Chinese New Year. During this period, I spent all my time on my work and studies and kept wondering if I would have enough (money) to pay for my school fees. I even wondered if it is the right time to do my degree now. There were too many obstacles to manage over the past few months. For example, as much as I wish that people whom I hoped (thought) would care for me, actually made things worse for me. This was to the extent that I wanted to give up on myself. I guess everything backfired in the sense that I am getting more prone to think that I am not able to and do not allow myself to depend on anyone. This is scary to me.

The worst period for me was definitely during my revision. Due to the hot weather and the fact that my house does not own any air conditional, I sweat from day to night while I was studying. To add on, there was a construction work going on nearby so it was extremely noisy too. But what, I kept telling myself I am really desperate to pass everything so by crook or by hook, I must not give up. Guess what? I actually studied for 12-14 solid hours/day for at least a month so as to remember all the theories

When I am stressed, tired or/and down, my appetite would deteriorate. This time round, other than my appetite, my digestive system was affected too. Perhaps it was due to the intensive coffee in-take (actually just a packet of coffee mix/day and a packet and a half of coffee mix on the day of my exam), I had to clear my bowel for 3-5 times/day. I really wonder what my body was clearing when I ate very little. On the positive side, I believe that I have lost some weight too. Ha.

Lastly, I am not trying to boost but am really, really glad to have friends who really care for me and ensure that I really took care of myself. Without them, I have no idea how I could manage everything. Thank you for the little notes, sweets, encourages and messages! Before I end it, I want to say that I am glad many people have not forgotten me and even returned to my life which really cheer me up a lot. <3

I hope that I can be as strong or even stronger for the next two years. Press on!

I sat on that familiar seat in the last cabin of the MRT at Pasir Ris Station and hoped that you were there, just like 2 years ago. How much I knew that it was impossible but I could not stop wishing for that. As always, I wish that you are well and happy in whatever you do.

The Long Weekend in 2011

2011-02-06T23:54:00.014+08:00

The Long Weekend in 2011

After a long weekend (4.25 days – we were only let off at 4pm on Chinese New Year’s Eve) due to the most important Festive period of the Chinese, Lunar New Year, I reluctantly let it go. I can officially bid goodbye to it (Lunar New Year) because as a matter of fact, we are not granted holidays for the rest of the period in where I stay. Another thing is, it felt good eating like nobody's business. But again, I AM GUILTY about the amount of food intake.

By the way, I would be confident to announce that it was one of the most fruitful ones – not in terms of monetary reason (the amount which I collected from the Ang Bao – anyway, I have not open any) but rather the people whom I met.

On the first day, some relative whom I had not seen for years came to visit my granny. Ha. The funny thing was they thought we were children of my dad’s youngest brother. In another word, they could not recognize both my sis and I – in a good way, ok! =D By the way, I really hope that my cousin and I could be as close as we were a decade ago. Not that we had ever quarreled before, but somehow, there is a wave of awkwardness between us. Okay, in short, every family has their share of problems so I keep reminding myself to ignore it.

On the third day, I told a close friend to come by my house before meeting the rest of them for some visiting. If it wasn’t me, he would have to either stay in Cityhall for at least two hours OR go home and come out again - which is more tedious compared to coming to my house. After which, he and I met the rest of them but I left 1.5hours later as I had to meet my granny and sis for a movie and dinner. It was a very short meet up but I enjoyed myself because I realized that I laughed and talked a lot which I had not done so for quite some time already. =D Most importantly, I would not be able to see them until at least June 2011 or even a year later. =x

We (my granny, sis and I) enjoyed the dinner; however the portion was too big for us to finish everything. The movie (It’s a great, great world) was fantastic. It was shown in a mixture of dialects such as Hokkien and Teochew and taught me a lot on the old Great World City in a touching yet light-hearted manner. I doubt that anyone would say, “Boo” to this show. ^^ Some people told me that from the way I save (money), I would never be a generous person. After so much have happened, I have to beg to differ. I will only be generous to the right people – not one or two only. =)

Anyway, this could easily be my last entry till at least June 2011.

Talk to my ass. Just kidding. I mean BYE - for now!

Was it my misinterpretation of your expressions I saw?

Rules of palm

2011-01-22T12:19:00.003+08:00

Rules of palm

1. Don't be too hard on myself

2. It is okay to cry

3. Ignore unconstructive & negative remarks

4. Don't expect much from ANYONE

5. Be mentally strong

For so many times, I just want to stick to one thing - either a full time worker OR student (opportunity cost = no money for my school fees but more time for revision. Ha). If you are a full time student, you can simply enjoy your holidays when you finish your exams. Of course, some will be working but other than that you would be enjoying your days when you need not work. For us (people who go through what I go through), when you finish your exams, it would mean going back to work immediately (because your employers would expect you to take as little leave as possible) with a different level of stress - NO break at all. I am still skeptical about handling everything. Oh well....

Dear friends, no words can describe how thankful I am to have you guys to simply be there listening to my complaints and encouraging me to keep going!

If the people whom you wish could return to your life suddenly appear in your life again, would you accept their return? If yes, think again.

2days’ home

2010-12-02T23:56:00.010+08:00

2days’ home

I started to have sorethroat on Sunday and found it quite strange. According to my diet habit, I hardly have any fast food, fried food, soft drinks or even my favourite chocolate. Not that I am an extremely health conscious individual but rather I find that it is a waste of money to spend on unhealthy food. =/

After a conversation with someone on Sunday night, I woke up with heartache and gradually got worse – by having flu, cough and sorethroat. I bore with the dizziness in the office for 2 days and even went for my lessons. However, it was raining heavily on Tuesday evening; hence I was partially caught in the rain due to my laziness (to open my umbrella to shelter myself from the bus stop to the bus. I already felt weak at that time, and it was very crowded at the bus stop. Hence it added on to my unwillingness). Thereafter, I caught a fever – yes, another illness added to my list.

Ah ha. That was how I managed to get my 2days MC. I was being told (by my friends) to leave my notes alone so that I could have a proper rest. I seriously think that this is what I need – to spend time alone. I spent most of the first day chatting with my friends and watching 3 online movies.

I am thankful to have people who care for me and a classmate even bought a bottle of ‘liang teh’ for me. =D

I slept so much earlier on that I have trouble sleeping now. =/

I really loved the time away from work and stress. This is something which I have not felt for a long, long time. It is like breathing in FRESH AIR! *wide smile*

I thought of someone again. When I cried, that person would say, “不要哭..我不喜欢看你哭..” with a sad and helpless expression and a firm yet gentle tone. In English translation, it will be, “Don’t cry...I don’t like to see you cry.” Recently, when I felt like crying, I would think of it and magically stop crying. It served as a form of comfort to me. I cannot stop but to recall every single memories we shared. Everything happened for a reason, isn't it? On the other hand, sometimes I really wish that it didn't happen at all. A few months back, I was recalling one of the earliest events we shared on the MRT. I was thinking so hard that I suddenly saw the reflection of that person on the window. I thought it was an illusion so I closed my eyes and opened again to look at it. It was that person! Then, my heartbeat started to speed up. Somehow, I managed to muster my courage to look at the real person and that supposedly illusion was not a false alarm. I thought I would be okay but I started to shiver a little and felt like crying. I did tear a bit. The world is so small. Perhaps, for a long, long time, I would not be able to get over it unless someone gains my trust again.

Oh, I just got to know that one of my good friends got attached! I feel happy for you! =D Wow, I am still single – comfortably single.

Good night all!♥

The truth

2010-11-28T21:28:00.005+08:00

So...the truth hurts even more...

WORK.STUDIES.WORK.STUDIES.WORK.STUDIES.WORK.STUDIES.WORK.STUDIES.WORK.STUDIES.

A type of ship

2010-11-26T12:37:00.011+08:00

A type of ship

Friendship is not a competition which you compare the number of friends you have with other people. The number of friends you have does not determine your personality alone but other factors as well. We can never compare because of our background, lifestyle or personality is different from one another. I think I am able to survive if I don't have any close ones anymore. Yes, feeling lonely is a nasty feeling but I can ~~easily~~ fill the void with something else. Some people give me this impression that one should have many, many friends. These people amazingly have the ability to make me feel inferior about myself. Despite of this, I still stick to my principle - even if I have very few friends, I am fine with it. A true friendship requires time and effort to maintain it so... to me, it shows how important they are to me. Besides, making new friends has always been a challenge to me because I never like or rather feel uncomfortable to take initiative to approach people.

Time...is something precious to me especially for this period of time. If I am willing to fork out some time to do something with you, you really mean something to me. However, if I do not, it does not mean that you mean nothing to me!

Awaiting for an explanation.

Tug O' War

2010-11-05T23:58:00.009+08:00

Tug O' War

All this while, I have been trying extremely hard to look for something optimistic to fill the void in this blog but there is just nothing. =/

Handling my full time work and part-time degree makes me think that I am having two boyfriends. Both of them are actually equally important so it makes handling them more difficult. You must spend time with both of them as you want to impress both of them (in the sense that you want to do well in both areas). When you do, you will have lesser time for yourself. In another word, you have to be selfless, i.e., put them before yourself. I have less than 24hours – in total but not in one shot - free time a week. I have to return to my office on alternate Saturday so this is how tight my schedule is. Lesson learnt: never have external affairs. =x

~~After the old folks’ home event,~~ I will spend all my free time studying – after work when I have no lessons and during my weekends. I have already reserved a weekend after work for a movie with a friend, 2 separate Saturdays for my haircut and dental checkup, a day after work to celebrate sis and another friend’s birthday, a weekend to go cycling and have dinner with a friend, new year countdown for the pretty fireworks and cheers (perhaps I should skip it), CNY visiting (hope that it is only for a day and perhaps, another half a day with friends). Other than this, I seriously do not think that I will want to go out anymore until I finish my exams in May 2011.

Perhaps, it will be good in a sense that I can save up more (money). When February comes, more than two thousands dollars will be gone for my sky-high exam fees and not forgetting June, at least six thousands dollars will be gone for my school fees. If you call this an ‘investment’, I call this ‘a hundred steps closer to hell’. >.<

No matter how hard everything is, I will still keep my smile and laughter on my plain face so long as they still manage to make people around me smile and laugh. I promise.

Women's Multiplication Theory

2010-11-03T22:31:00.002+08:00

Women's Multiplication Theory

Extracted from my idol's twitter:

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She mutliplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."

This made me smile. Do you think it is true? Either way, I think it is a very funny theory! =D

To let go

2010-08-21T23:17:00.012+08:00

To Let Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

I happened to see this when I was searching for some emails. Don't you think that it is something very meaningful? I am not too sure if it was written for me or found somewhere when I was going through a tough time. Anyway, you know who you are, THANK YOU for being there! =)

Something strange is happening too. Lately, I start to recollect every minor event. It is like a broken video – playing bits by bits. This makes me feel guiltier by the minute.

How do I forgive myself?

A day out to Sentosa

2010-08-15T12:37:00.004+08:00

A day out to Sentosa

On this day, I recalled many things. Last year of this month, the horrible thing happened.

I only managed to sleep after 12am as I was home late from the chocolate buffet. Speaking of which, I think other than the fact that it was at the hotel which I wanted to visit for so long, a great ambience and I was with great company, it was not worth it to spend that much due to the lack of variety.

On this very day, I had to wake up at 5am to collect the volleyball from my friend. I could not remember that my alarm clock rang, let alone me switching it off. But, out of a sudden which I often do, I jumped up and looked at the time which reflected 5.05am. The nightmare began when I realized that dad was in the bathroom. I wondered how I could get out of the house but in the midst of it, I quickly packed a small bag. When I opened my door again, the toilet was just being flushed so it denoted that he would begin bathing after that. Hence, I seized the opportunity by sneaking out of the house. Lots of questioning would be conducted if I were to be caught by dad or mum.

I kept running and running and running towards Redhill MRT. I was afraid that dad might drive pass me at any time and be late as my friend had to work. It was like the dreams which I had many times – running away from home. In the dream, it was very scary too - in fact, scarier. I was afraid to be caught by anyone so I would keep running in my dreams. Like in reality, I often choose to run away from any problem. In my dreams, I would return home again because I was afraid to be caught and face the music.

It was a short but great catch up with my friend. I told him the purpose of needing the volleyball again. Then, he made a casual remark that I often organized outing back then. Did I? I could not really remember. Those were the days which I miss so much. Anyway, I shall take it that he was complimenting me. =D

Once I reached home, I quickly switched on my computer so that I could load my drama while doing my housework. I only managed to catch one episode after my bath and packing my bag.

Anyway, it was a great outing with them. It was my first time playing in a volleyball match but my apologies that I was a very bad player. =/ It was obviously not my game because I had difficulty hitting the ball over the net. But, I am sure that I could if I got very angry. =x Now, my right wrist, legs and back hurt so much. To be very honest, I kept looking out for any sight/shadow of someone yesterday. Sigh...

All in all, I had a great weekend!

Lastly, I was touched by a message which I received in the later part of this week. I thought that you would forget me after making many new friends and we have not been really talking to each other lately. However, I told myself that you are not this sort of person. True enough, that message verified that. =D Thank you!

I realised that my happy drink is bubble tea! My mood will become better after drinking a cup of bubble tea when I am moody.

One year has past. How have you been doing?

End of July 2010

2010-07-31T22:31:00.005+08:00

End of July 2010

Time flies away so fast. Time is scary. Time never waits. Time is a monster. Time….

The feeling of attending lessons after work is really no good. I am trying very hard to pay attention because I am totally on my own and my attention span is really short. By the way, as what my friends told me, it is really hard to make friends in class. So, I am glad that I managed to make a friend. No matter how hard it is, I will tell myself not to give up. There is no “if” but only “definitely”. =)

Since my last entry, I am still doing self-reflection. I hate how little time I have and the limited amount I can use every month (maybe I can help the school to wash their toilets so that I don’t have to pay so much school fees? =x) My time, youth and friendships are my last bets (or, being exchanged) for the better future I want to work hard for. I knew it very clearly so I must make my sacrifices worthwhile. I do treasure and love my time, youth and friendships but……I know I am missing out a lot of things. I will try hard to be more optimistic!

Sometimes when I visit my blog, it seems like my life is empty because I never write down the activities I had/will be having. In fact, everything is embossed (yes, embossed) in my tiny brain and heart. When you come across certain things, all the memories will start to haunt you uncontrollably.

Dear friends, Chu Er is missing you, you AND you......!

The verdict

2010-06-30T21:46:00.003+08:00

The verdict

My route for the next 3 years: having a full time job and doing my part time degree.

I think that I am just fated to do this but really thankful for those who helped and encouraged me for the last 6months. Sorry that I did not get in but at least I tried and realised that there were many who had faith in me.

I have already done its bridging course which gave me a taste of it, making me think that I was about to die of tiredness. I am already so tired after work but I still have to squeeze the little precious time I have for lessons and revisions. To be frank, it strained my emotion health. However, the most stressful part is not how well I can score for my exams but how I can fork out money to pay my school fees. I was so worried that I wished I could rob a bank – nah~ just kidding. If you know me veryyyyy well, you will know that I will only depend on myself – Life taught me to be independent but never dependent on others.

Anyway, time really flies away so fast. I will be in that company for a year next month on the 20th which is also my manager’s birthday. I made a joke (as always) out of it that I am a gift to her but she did not receive it because she took leave. She asked why I did not place a ribbon on my head. Ha ha. This one year has been quite difficult for me because it is my first permanent job after all. I was not afraid of anything but the interviewing part as it required me to interview people with good qualification/working experience or came from good background (as in school) at times.

My first few attempts with briefing the T&C were horrible because I kept stumbling upon my words. It reminded me of my English oral and how people laugh(ed) at my spoken English. But I still smiled because I did not want to give up. I did not tell anyone that I was afraid. My principle is, if others are able to perform the job, why should I give up without even given a chance to try? So, I made it.

My first few attempts with looking for people to fill permanent positions were worse because I could not understand some of the job descriptions. The worst part was when the horrible thing happened to me and when I was asked to sit beside my manager to assist her. I wonder how I managed to go through that period when crying was part of my life. Tears kept flowing inwards but life went on. But, I made it through too.

Of course, the good thing is, my manager and another colleague are always helpful – I like them most of the time. Although I have not said anything (just my personality), I am really, really so grateful to have them. My manager is often so motherly. She gave me a hug and tried to console me when I cried which touched me a lot but I never said anything. For my other colleague, she would be so patient by answering my questions which I asked before because I was afraid to ask my manager again. =/ (If I could, I would tell them that I am sorry for hurting them with my words at times.=[)

Through this job, I realized that parents would do anything for their kids. I am greatly disturbed by some issues like parents called in on behalf of their children to look for temporary jobs for them or when they spoke up for their kids when anything happened. This was when we would have to be very patient (and professional) with them even though it really wasted our precious time. In actual fact, I was deeply touched by their actions because they ignored their pride and helped them. Now, the question is, what about the kids? Some are spoilt to the extent that travelling for 5-6 MRT stops is considered far. How ridiculous can this get? People in other countries have to travel for hours before they reach their workplace! Some even asked their parents to call in and ask about their salary. Sometimes…when it is not your day, you just want to be sarcastic with them.

I can write a list of what-to-do and what-not-to-do during and after your interview. You may think that it is obvious but many people dug their own graveyard which caused them to fail the interview. Another important thing is resume. Some resumes are so messy that……

For now, Chu Er will concentrate on her studies and job (to build on my resume!). It will leave me with very limited time for myself and loved ones so this will be yet a test of many things. Oh well, this will not be forever (this sentence is so familiar and it reminds of…) My ultimate goal is to get a job which can help people so I need to work hard first.

On my way to work, sometimes a stranger would board the same bus as me after a few bus stops. The stranger had the same hairstyle (thick hair), side view and figure. I would stare at the stranger throughout my bus ride. Is it very silly? It may be silly but just my personal, special moment which no one can comprehend.

Till then…

Reminisce

2010-06-26T00:49:00.006+08:00

Reminisce

A few days ago, I realized that all my emails were gone so I posted it on my social networking website. Then, a nice friend came to my rescue by giving me a link to retrieve everything back. It worked two days later but the bad thing is, I had to sort out my emails as everything was placed in my inbox. To make things easier (in a sense), I started from the latest to the earlier emails. Seriously, it was like a transportation back to the past as I was forced to read all the emails just in case I deleted any important ones. Some emails really brought back really good memories whereas some are still like nightmares to me.

Like there was this period of time which I cried almost every day for a year because I was so frightened and upset about an issue. That issue even caused a strain in the relationship with someone I cherished, believe it or not. Sometimes, I am glad that it happened because at least I knew that that someone whom I cherished would not go through thick and thin with me. However, that issue made me think some people are really scheming, heartless, selfish or/and unreasonable. (So, I never really believe in the logic of treating someone nice so as to get the same return OR treat people the way you want to be treated. ) I literally went through everything by myself until there was a point (more than half way through the whole thing) when someone else went through the same injustice with me. Then, after that, a close friend went through the same thing as me. It really comforted me a lot, not because of what they went through but how they could understand how I felt at that point of time. I told myself that I was not alone in this. That period of time forced me to struggle with many decisions but I never executed them because I did not want to spoil what we had already built up.

Sweet memories became nightmares too. Everything started well but gradually… Up to date, I still think that it is my fault. Perhaps, I have not completely forgiven myself. I often tell myself that there is nothing I can do to make any change because it was a fact that I went through the horrible journey.

Through a chat, a friend told me about someone. The truth shocked me. Why can’t people be much simpler? If they do this, that wouldn’t happen. If they don't do that, this wouldn't happen. If...

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot, mainly about myself. I am glad that I always make my plans, believe in depending on myself (only) and to suffer now and enjoy later (by the way, I am still suffering =[). Everything must be fated because of what I have gone through, I realized who my true friends are. They are just there for me whenever I need them. I know that it has never been easy to be my friends because of the many issues I face. I am also aware that I can be a bitch at times. Okay, the main thing is, I must be strong and persevere on. The painful experience causes me not to be as gullible as before (or rather not to trust someone as easily). By the way, I finally know what sense of security is. Ha.

I will see my ray of hope sooon. Thank you friends, Chu Er is so blessed to have you people. In fact, I am blessed in many ways. =]

Where everything falls into place...

Self-reflection

2010-05-27T12:54:00.005+08:00

Self-reflection

It was nice talking to a friend. We were talking about people who talk nastily without realising they are. Along the way in my life, I meet a few of such person but they or rather I never keep in contact with them. With my personality, I get hurt too easily to enjoy their company. Of course, I do notice that they do not realise that their words hurt people. I think that if I were such a person without knowing, I would be very sad. (Erm. I asked a close friend if I am such a person and he said I am not so I believe that I am not. ^^) In my opinion, it is vital to do self-reflection every now and then to ensure that you are not a pain in the ass.

Anyway, after 10solid months, I can finally declare that I am okay. In fact, I think that it is more like 2years. There were too many times over the past 2years that I wanted to give up but was reluctant to, for I think that there was still hope (or rather, false hope. Ha ha). I guess this is just how I lead my life – by being too stubborn (a nicer word will be 'determined'). I will never give up unless the other party declares it. Even so, I will still not give up until the flame goes off. Ha ha ha. I am such an irritating person.

Till then, I am fine – not as emotional anymore. =)

Too attached

2010-05-16T18:11:00.008+08:00

Too attached

I found out something which I dreamt of months ago came true. It hit me so hard that I broke down in the office during my lunch time which worried some of my colleagues. At that moment, I wanted to leave everything aside and go home but I could not because it would mean that all my hard work and efforts will go into the drain. In addition, I felt that my wound was being opened up again. Due to the fear that it may become a gossip, I decided that none of them should know the real reason behind my tears. This is the punishment for being too attached. It is not anyone but my fault for believing that it will not end in this way but in a better, civilised way. I realised how heartless, cruel or hardhearted someone can be - something that has being reminded time and time again. Even at the last moment, I still held that tiny belief that it might become better - not about the outcome but the way it is being handled. To my disappointment, it did not happen. I have asked myself many times if I have regretted, my answer is still a firm no. It will remain as a bittersweet memory which I would smile at when going to certain places. Sadly, I lost all the faith and belief I used to have. I know and cannot deny that I would still tear over it at times but it just cannot be helped until...probably when my trust is being gained or I finally let it go. Till now, it is still unbelievable. There are things which I can let go easily but not all especially...something which does not come by easily, I cry over so many times, I fight (fought) to get everything in place, I thought would be perfect and work out well at the end of the day.

Chu Er will be fine, one day. Her broken heart will be fixed. She will be ready embrace the new challenges in life - erm, as in more challenges. She needs to forgive herself and stops blaming herself for whatever that happened.

Hating you is something I want yet cannot bear to do so. The pain, the hurt, the frustration, the disappointment, the confusion.......do you understand?

如果一切从来，结果还会一样吗？

Sometimes

2010-05-06T18:13:00.000+08:00

Found this somewhere and thought that it is quite meaningful or rather sweeeeeeet, i.e. if it happens on you.

Un-abandon

2010-04-24T22:44:00.005+08:00

Un-abandon

Before anyone thinks that I am abandoning this blog, I will blog something. I would say that so much had happened – more unhappiness than happiness, really even though I am trying very hard to cheer up.

I am trying to think through things. I know that I need more time to get over something. I am told to remember the happy things and so I did. Guess what? It backfires what I thought would be the best for me. As I remember the happy times, it hurts me much more and reminds me what I have lost. Of course, I will not deny that I have learnt a lot from it but am convinced that I will not find someone better. This further proves that time is not the best healer. More than 9 months have past but I am still very hurt. I no longer confide in friends about it anymore because it all depends on me now.

Oh. I just heard that a friend is going to be hospitalized so I will visit him on this Saturday since I will not be working. It is already hard on me that it is on the extreme east side. The news that I have to alight at Simei really makes me dread going there. I am very, very sure that I am not ready to meet into someone because the sight of that someone will cause me to be teary and emotional even though I will put on my best act and smile like everything is well.

That place will remind me of all the bittersweet memories I had. They are one of the best ones in my whole life. You may not know how much it means to me but it really is. It is not the outcome that hurts but how it ended. I thought it was a very selfish and irresponsible decision. Oh well......

Other than that, I am pretty fine with visiting him because I have not seen him for years already.

I have too much to say. Everyone says that if I don’t say anything, no one knows that I am not okay. But, I am really so bad at expressing myself that I do not know how to put my thoughts into words. If I feel that what I say will affect someone a lot, I would rather keep all my thoughts to myself.

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to a radio station. The DJ said that one of the ways to maintain a marriage is to prevent talking about your colleagues, work related matters or any unhappiness to your other half. It seems like it is wrong to talk about your unhappiness? As I grow up, I feel that I will not be able to maintain my marriage if I ever had one especially when divorce rate is getting higher and higher. I label myself as a boring person even though most or all my colleagues/some friends think that I am a joker who makes them laugh easily. As a matter of fact, I prefer to listen because I cannot think of better things to voice out and afraid that what I say is boring. Another thing is; if you heard of “her bark is worse than her bite”, I am just like this. I may not say the nicest words but I can be genuinely concerned about someone/something. This shows that I am a pure Asian. Ha. Perhaps, I am used to be independent and not used to be close to others so I think that a lot of things are hard to me. Like, you will never see me holding anyone's hands for no reason which a lot of girls love to. You see, I am more confident to excel in my work than having any form of relationship e.g. friendship with anyone unless that someone is tolerant, patient and understanding. I am not a kid but everyone has a "kid" in us so there will be times when I can be unreasonable or insensitive. Isn't it natural? Of course I am sure that there are still people who really love and care for me.

For now, I reckon that I would read all books found in the library if I never got married. Nono, mission trip to 3rd world countries! I have not given up on this. =)

The journey of my 21st birthday celebration

2010-02-01T20:00:00.003+08:00

The journey of my 21st birthday celebration

I once thought that it was a dream but after many years, it is still a dream. Not only does that belong to part of my childhood and teenage life but also an impossible one too.

A few months ago, I was brainstorming some ideas for my 21st birthday which would remain something memorable and unforgettable for the rest of my life even when I became an old lady. For some reason, I thought that a photoshoot for my 21st will be a good idea because I would be reminded that I was this pretty (consider so when you are already fifty years old) and youthful. So, in late November 2009, I started looking out for photo studios as I had zero contacts so it was rather hard for me in the beginning. Finally, I saw some on my bus rides to my work place.

In early December 2009, I asked Alex to accompany me to all the three shops I found. We had a lot of walking because I thought that the shops were not too far apart so was reluctant to waste unnecessary money on transport – my apology if I was not being thoughtful to you. Along the way, I was grouchy due to the walking and humid weather but Alex still remained very good companion to me. Anyway, after some discussion, we decided to choose Kelly Cakes due to its samples, service provided and affordable pricing. This was still part one because I still had to ask my parents and sis to participate as I meant it as a family shot. Well, obviously, it was not totally successfully but I still went ahead with my plan. =)

A weeks after the payment, I realized that I had to work for half day on the agreed day to do the photoshoot. I was lost. The worse was, none of my colleagues could work on that day so I had no one to change with. Unsurprisingly, I started tearing like something serious took place– can you imagine the state of my make up? To me, it was serious as it was a few hundred dollars – my hard-earned money! I was obviously being thoughtless as it seemed to make my manager feel bad but I swear that I never blamed her at all. Then, my colleagues told me that I am the customer so I have the right to change the shooting date. Of course it was successful in the end.

This is my 21st birthday so how can it be all? Another brainstorming to do! After much much much thought, I decided to invite some friends (Alex, Cedrick, Ming En, Sis & our mutual friend, Sharon) to a dinner at a restaurant. Actually, I was a little worried that they were reluctant to go but they agreed right away. Next, I did research on some restaurants which I could hold my birthday dinner at. After which, I sent a mass email to all of them to choose and rank the restaurant they liked. Surprisingly, the respond was not too good because Cedrick was reluctant to reply and Alex was lazy to reply. I nearly wanted to drop this idea because of this but I thought that it was too silly. Anyway, this time round, sis was the one who accompanied me to the list of restaurants I came out with. We went all the way to Clarke Quay but to realize that one of the restaurants was closed so we were quite disappointed and I got scolding from sis for not checking properly before going. Then, we wanted to choose the one near to our home but it would not be convenient for us to travel to Timbre, Clarke Quay – our after dinner activity – so we decided to try two other restaurants at City Hall. In the end, I chose Sapore Italiano, an Italian restaurant with nice ambience, allows us to make advance reservation and most importantly, it is near to Clarke Quay as well. How can a birthday go without a cake? So, sis and I went to a shop at Takashimaya to make reservation for a birthday cake. Sis said that it is very delicious. By the way, the cake is quite small which we thought that is just nice for the six of us after a heavy dinner. Anyway, sis and Sharon shared the cost of my cake. =) Thanks!

By the way, with regards to my dream, I was referring to me wanting to be a model but I never made a step closer to fulfill it. However, I was able to get a taste of it on my photoshoot day. The night before the shoot was hell because there was quite a bit of packing to be done and I was quite tired on that day. On the day of photoshoot, we nearly did not have enough time for our breakfast because I took too long to prepare. Anyway, we managed to eat something and reach there on time. =) The make up artist helped me with the make up first whereas the coordinator helped sis with the hair. It was my first time with the fake eyelashes but it felt better than what I thought. In my opinion, the make up had a makeover effect because it made us look different. The weather was on our side because it was a sunny day but a little too hot. Tell you a secret, my photographer was quite good looking. =p At first, we were quite unnatural. Gradually, sis got better and I was still very tensed up and shy and lost my focus very easily. They kept telling me to look at a certain direction or smile showing the teeth or not to smile. Roar. The weather and lack of sleep made it tougher for me. Overall, it was quite a good experience. =)

On the day before my dinner, sis sent a message to Sharon to remind her about the dinner. Only to find out that she thought that the dinner was on the 31st instead of 30th. Therefore, there was one headcount down. To be frank, I was a little upset about it. Anyway, we still had fun and ordered more dessert than the main course. I was thinking that all my hard work – runs – must have gone to waste. =( I promise to start running again this week or so. We were too full to have the cake so we brought it to the Timbre to have it. Alex missed out the good cake. Ha. I must be thankful that Ming En brought his friend, Malcolm along as he really lifted the mood of all of us. I think most people would have known that I was celebrating my birthday as he sang REALLY LOUDLY! Ha ha ha.

Oh well. I never regretted planning all these even though sometimes I felt like giving up. I had lots of fun. Most importantly, I received many lovely messages, wishes & gifts from people. Every little thing counts. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.

Long weekend

2009-12-27T20:19:00.003+08:00

Long weekend

People say that the end of something is the start of something else. So, can the end of a weekend be the start of a new one? Okay, fat hope. =x

Anyway, I had an enjoyable long weekend except for the fact that we were only allowed to leave at 3pm on Christmas Eve. One of the good things about this Christmas is to receive what I wanted to buy. =p Oh ya, did I say that I am the Santa Claus of my boss’s elder daughter? My boss thought that I should buy voucher for her instead. Whatever, I don’t think it was my fault when she said that she did not know what she wanted so I bought a cute music box for her.

I have been busy for the past few weeks because of two friends’ 21st birthday chalet especially the one on last Saturday because I had to rush down to the chalet from my company’s Christmas party which was held at bosses’ three-storey house. On top of that, I have been busy preparing for my 21st birthday photoshoot and will start to make reservation for my dinner on the next weekend. =) I am praying so hard that nothing will go wrong. Next month will be a hectic one for me because I will start to prepare for my university application too. To be frank, I am quite scared and worried because I really, really wish to get into what I want to pursue my dream. Sigh.

I watched the 3D version of Avatar yesterday. It was such a great show that I wish to watch it again. =/

Lastly, I think I will be too busy to post anything until the first week of February.

Does anyone stop believing in something which he/she used to believe so much in?

A random entry

2009-12-10T23:59:00.006+08:00

A random entry

For some reason, I thought of Chinese New Year which reminds me of some people like my granny. I am reminded of a conversation we had about my future. She will always tell me to study hard and get a decent cert and also to look for a good guy and get married. I will always tell her that I will and want her to see me get married. A warm and sincere advice from her always touches me.

Anyway, I have decided to work if I am put on duty at the call center because I feel that I will be happier – not due to earning more money. I am not money-minded – and I really dislike people for saying that to me. I think I will stop explaining why I need to work so hard because this will never end.

It is going to be mid December soon. What does it remind you of? Yes, 2009 is ending soon but other than that, it also means that I will start applying for university again. By hook or by crook – of course not illegally or by 'backdoor' method, I will get myself into a course which I am interested in. So, it also means that I will get really broke – I mean really broke this time with the additional expenses which consist my monthly school fees, notes and textbooks. Recently, I am really, really stressed over this especially when the braces idea comes into my plan. Anyway, I have to postpone it again because it is really not feasible now. Argh! I have been thinking of doing it since 14 years old and thought that I have enough money to do it now but after some calculation, I realize that I am wrong. Sigh. To be frank, sometimes, I really cannot help but to be envious and even jealous of people who are born with silver spoon because everything is being paid for.

I want to go overseas to study, eat without having to care that I have no money later on, learn another language, take up any interesting course, enjoy my school holiday which I never had ever since I entered Poly and have been working like a cow since I graduated from there and travel with my friends.

If you are a reader of my blog, you will know that I am planning to take photos for my 21st birthday as a part or form of my celebration because it is something I can keep for the rest of my life. I had a strong feeling that someone will not take it and after yesterday, I can conclude and confirm that my 6th sense is right all the time. Yea, whatever, I knew it.

STOP telling me about respecting you because I really can’t, for, I have endless of reasons for not respecting you and you have lost your respect many years ago.
STOP insulting and STOP looking down on me because I have endless of reasons for proving that you have no rights to.
STOP being a chauvinist because your every reasoning disgusts me – hey, having too much pride does not make you any richer, happier or more respectable but backfires.

I used to hate you but not anymore. I really give up because nothing I do will make any difference at all. I THINK you are a sadist, seriously. I will GLADLY tell you that I did not feel a tad of disappointment or anger at all yesterday. I did swear that I will not shed a single drop of tear due to you anymore, didn’t I? My plan will still go on even without you. Are you disappointed?

Sorry readers, I am just having some shitty days.

Long weekend!

2009-12-06T19:58:00.006+08:00

Long weekend!

WOohoO~ I took half day leave on Friday (04/12/2009) to meet sis for facial, dinner & movie as I had a Deepavali PH to offset it.

Sis and I decided to do facial because we had a pair of vouchers and we have not done it before so we decided to give it a try. Before I left my office, my colleagues warned me about those people who force us to take up package so I was pretty worried. Most importantly, someone told me that one may have pimple outbreak after a facial session because of the extraction.

Upon reaching the place, we were told to fill in a form regarding the products we are using. After which, we were brought into the next room to change into a tube-like dress so that our clothes will not be stained with the facial products. She started with me first and I must say that I was quite tensed up because it was my first time. I liked the smell of all the facial products she used on me. Half way through the process, she started to do extraction on my T-zone (I only have slight problem on my T-zone other than that my complexion is fine) and it really hurt me. Each time she did it, it felt like a needle piercing through my skin. Now, I understood why some say doing facial can be quite torturing. In fact, it was comfortable for me most of the time other than having to lie down for hours when I wanted to pee badly.=x I just could not stay still and at the same time, I was so scared that the facial lady will be unhappy with me. =/ Anyway, somehow I fell asleep and started to snore. Laugh out loud. Initially, I did not know until sis asked, “Jie, you are sleeping?” because I thought it was the breathing sound of the facial lady. Ha ha ha. At the end of the session, I was told not to use masks so often (once every three days) because our skin is renewed in every 28days. She said that sis should be more hardworking than me because I am using quite a number of products (toner, moisturiser, paper masks, peepling mask & ampoule)already. I guess it is my priority so I am willing to spend on those. Anyway, we will be going back again because we liked her service. Yes, I know there isn’t a need for me to do facial but I got motivated when I saw the facial lady because she looked a few years younger than her age due to her good complexion. I need maintainence! Laugh out loud.

After facial, sis and I quickly walked to the Cineleisure to buy our tickets. Actually, we did not buy because we used a complimentary pass (given by Alex as my Christmas gift) for our tickets. It was quite a coincident that Alex was at Cineleisure as well and we managed to say Hi to each other. Ha ha. Sis and I were very hungry by then so we quickly walked to the Paragon for our Japanese meal at Shimbashi Soba. I found this shop on the internet so I decided to give it a try. I quickly ordered a plate of Sashimi to ease our stomach a little when we reached there because I believed that they did not need to take so long to prepare it. It was quite nice but a little sticky due to the egg yolk. The shop specializes in soba (if I am not wrong) and we thought that it was quite refreshing. We also ordered a set of dessert even though we were already so full. = p

Sashimi!

Sis with her sashimi. Ha ha

Sis with her soba.

Our udon set meal. I loved it! =D

Miss Chu Er busy eating. =x

Part of our dessert.

I loved the green tea ice cream!

Next, we walked around orchard to take photos then we proceeded to The Cathay to watch ‘Hua Mulan’. Oh ya. Before that, we went to Ben & Jerry to buy a cup of milkshake (using a $5 voucher given by my manager which I am not sure why. Maybe I am lovable? =p)

The pretty ION Christmas tree.

Sis outside the Christmas tree.

We are NOT twins!

Our fingers! Ha

I loved its cartoon version so I thought that the actual movie would be nice too. It was but I thought that the ending was a bit of disappointment when the male lead told Hua Mulan to forget him when both of them loved each other. Maybe it was silly but I felt sad for the rest of my night. =/

Does it seem like her celebration was being sponsored? Bla~ Just a coincidence!

A Brand New Monday! {EDITTED}

2009-11-30T12:42:00.008+08:00

A Brand New Monday!{EDITTED}

I actually feel a lot calmer today and think that i have not felt myself so rational for a long, long time. Well, it is a long story and I do not wish for a repeated history. Anyway, I am glad that I feel okay today. =)

I think that I will go for my run after work. It seems like I have slimmed down as a result of that. =D Most probably I will go to a hotel at Orchard to meet Alex as it is his sis's wedding today since I don't stay too far away from there, have nothing much to do and not seen the Christmas decoration yet. I am quite curious as to how he looks like in suits. (Alex is going to kill me after seeing this paragraph? =x GIRLS, we are not couple so if you are interested in him, I can provide you his contacts. Ha ha ha. =p)

It is a random entry. Ah. I feel like walking out of this office right now. Can I not work for a week? =/

I finally reached home from Orchard! I left home at about 9pm and reached there before 9.20pm. Does it show how close my house is from Orchard? Orchard has a lot of pretty houses but I do not own any of them. =/ Maybe in the future? =D

Anyway, his sis is so pretty! Are all the brides so pretty? I think I might be the exception. (I shall put this thought aside till I found my other half. =p) We took some photos but all of them are not nice because my face looks so round. My ~~damn~~ double-chin! >.<

After which, I walked around Orchard Road with the goal of looking at the ION Orchard Christmas Tree. Oh gosh. I swear if I were not alone, I would have said, “WOWWW!” like I have never seen a Christmas tree in my whole life. In this case, I could only say it inside my heart. =/ It is really so beautiful. How could I not love Christmas season with all the nice decorations? If only we could enjoy a white Christmas for once……

‘Dirty’ Jokes {Editted}

2009-11-28T16:10:00.005+08:00

‘Dirty’ Jokes {Editted}

Did I say that we have lots of ‘dirty’ jokes in the office? I think it is due to the female working environment so we dare to crack such jokes. It gets funnier when it comes to me because I will ask a lot of weird questions which people will not ask openly. Ha ha ha.

Like recently, a colleague asked me to accompany her for a Brazilian wax. I thought that it would be fun because I have not tried any sort of waxing before so I agreed without thinking. After that, I went to the toilet and started thinking what the wax is about. So, I went back and asked her, “Hey XXX, which part of the body it is for?” XXX replied, “You don’t know? It is for virginal.” Laugh out loud. I stared at her and started laughing out loud. Then, I started asking a lot of ‘why’ questions. For example, why do we have to do that? They would say it is for hygiene purpose and you will feel better after that. I would say, “But, I am really feeling okay so why do I have to do it?” Ha ha ha. Quite nerve-racking to talk to me, right? = p I know I am quite ignorant but people around me do not talk about this. =( No, I am not blaming them so do not start sharing it with me because my brain is already quite polluted with lots of such jokes/stories. o.o

This is just one of the many jokes we have. =x

Oh well, I should not have posted this entry but I have nothing to do. I am supposed to go for my run but it is raining now! ROAR. I will only leave house at 5pm to meet sis for a dinner at Jurong Point.

We had Japanese meal for our dinner with mum. Mum will usually choose to have Japanese meal whenever she is with us and the best is, she pays for it. =D Well, we hardly have meal together. Anyway, my stomach is moody as well. It was only my 2nd meal but I did not feel like having it. Is it a pro or con to be moody? I think it is a pro because I will eat much lesser as a result of it. Ha ha ha.

I am not sure if it is due to my moodiness or lack of enthusiasm in shopping, I actually stood aside when my mum was looking at her shirts. We were so far away from each other to even have a conversation. Ha ha. I think I am behaving like a zombie. I will smile, laugh or talk to suit the situation I am in. I know I should cry to ease the pain but no matter how hard I try, no tears roll down. Sigh.

There goes my precious weekend again.

Have a Kindness Day, please?

2009-11-26T23:59:00.004+08:00

Have a Kindness Day, please?

Apart from the stress I face from my work, I also begin to face what most people hate, office politics.

I am really trying to be neutral but seem to be stuck in the middle. Argh. Anyway, I have made myself clear not to involve me in any way because I already have more than enough problems to deal with.

Today, I was being reminded that I am supposed to be flawless yet again. I merely made a minor mistake and I was being told off like nobody’s business. I seriously did not know I was supposed to share that with her and that she was going to share hers with me. Perhaps, she told me but I misunderstood it. Anyway, why couldn’t she remind me while I was eating it? Whenever such similar case occurs, I would be dumbfounded. Why couldn’t they say that they were at fault as well instead of putting ALL the blames on me?

Yes, I am supposed to be smart, cheerful, happy, kind, friendly, confident and an extrovert to most people. The point is, I cannot remind everyone that I am only human. I make mistakes. Who does not make mistakes? Who does not want to be liked by everyone? I am tired of explaining. I am truly disappointed. Sorry, as much as I hope to be perfect, I am not.

I begin to understand that you are being cruel to yourself if you are being kind to others. It does not pay well to be kind but I will not regret it.

Lovely Saturday!

2009-11-22T10:09:00.007+08:00

Lovely Saturday!

I had a great Saturday by bringing the elderly to the Singapore Flyers. Some may think that it is an activity too boring for a precious weekend but it is something very enriching and meaningful to me. Everything was on our side because of the fine weather. The old lady, whom I looked after, enjoyed herself too. It was my first time taking the Singapore Flyers in the daytime and I thought that it was better than taking it at night. I think I was quite lucky in a way because I had never paid a single cent for all my rides. =D

I could not help but to smile when I saw that they seemed to be smiling from the bottom of their heart. It is very heartwarming. ^^

On our ride back to the old folks' home, I realised that she seemed to be thinking about something. I wish I could know.

At the end of the day, that old lady held my hand tightly and said, “Thank you so much. God bless you.” I felt rather touched at that moment because my help was appreciated. It really brightened my day. =)

Whenever I visit the home, it saddens me to see some of the elderly as some of them really look so weak. It just reminds me that life is really fragile. We are often advised to treasure our loved ones but how often do we really do it? Looking at my current lifestyle, I have to admit that I am far from doing it. The thing is, what is the point of doing it when you know that it is not going to be appreciated and the reward for doing it is to get hurt all over again? I tried. I tried so many times that I offically give up. I would rather spend time with people who really appreciate my presence and truly love and care for me. It is just too bad that it is not them and I will try my hardest to accept my fate. I never keep my promise of not crying over them again. But, each time it happens, I will cry like nobody's business. When I am lost, where are you? When I need an advice, where are you? You only hurt me and make me more hurt and lost like nobody's business. It is YOUR forte. How many times do I have to keep myself moving? I am seriously running out of motivation. What if one day I totally lose it? Are you going to regret that you never really loved or cared for me the way I hope I could see from you? When are you going to stop me from doing things that I really, really want? I only live once. You make me feel that I am bad at everything and it is so bad that I am trying so hard to figure out my strength. People say that you have to love yourself before you love others. Perhaps, I can care for others but not love. I think this is one of the reasons why I think that I will be a very bad girlfriend. Oh hell. I openly hope that I can have my own family. We shall see.

I should get reminded of a certain event of my life but I do not seem to recall anymore. How strange. Perhaps my tiredness has worn me down so much that I could only remember something that took place yesterday. I need a getaway from work and negativity of life. I need some intelligence for my emotion so that I will not get hurt so often. Perhaps, I should really try something which I never thought I would and could do, like...I am not too sure either. Would you like to suggest one? I think I lost track of my life. I am counting down to next year yet I am not because things in my life will change again and I have to learn to adapt it. I wish to amend things which were not right and do it all over again. I realised that I regretted doing certain things or making certain decisions yet I am glad that they happened. As time passes by, I lose more confidence and faith in certain things of my life. (Alex forbids me from saying that I am a bad girlfriend. Eh. No, I am still single. Ha Ha.) I realised that things are getting more and more complicated as I grow up. Maybe I am making things complicated for myself.

I am missing a lot of things. School. Free time. Camps. Studying. Wearing casual clothes more often than formal attire. Sleep. (I am not missing my friends because I spend most of my free time with them.^^)

Exciting Thursday

2009-11-12T22:28:00.004+08:00

Exciting Thursday

I enjoyed my day even though I was so tired for the first half of the day.

Today was a smooth day except for a ~~damn~~ candidate who stood me up by not turning up for the interview. Ha. Seriously, from the start till now, I have never really felt pissed off by it. I am more surprised to how irresponsible some working adults can be and I could not stop cursing them. Ha ha ha. =p

Anyway, my computer issue was finally solved. I was not the one telling that IT guy about it but my colleagues. Basically, everyone knew about it and could not wait to tell him. The moment he walked towards my table, I stood up and walked away even before he completed his sentence/question. =x I think my whole face was burning red. They made me feel so shy to talk to him. =/

Next month, my company will be celebrating Christmas on the 24th of December. One of the programs they planned is to exchange gift. Everyone has to draw a name from the box and you will have to buy a gift (budget of $20) for the person (whose name you drew). Guess whose I drew? Sigh. I nearly fainted on the spot. Laugh out loud. No, the person is not that IT guy. =) The good thing is, there will be a list for us to write down three wishes and we will just choose and buy one of the wishes for the gift receiver. Seriously, I have nothing which I really want and what I want is quite intangible.

They are:

1. Love (from family and friends)
2. Concern
3. Freedom

Can anyone grant me any of those? No, right? See, how do buy my most desired gift? =( Well, I will still write something down. Ha. Can I have that $20 instead? =/

I AM PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT THE GIFT EXCHANGE! But, the bad thing about it is, we will be forfeited if we guess our Santa Claus (the person who buys for you) wrongly. =/

Bad week

2009-11-06T23:59:00.003+08:00

Bad week

I had a really bad week. My internet was down and the technician could only come to my house and solve the issue on Friday morning. Can you imagine how bored I was for the whole week?

Work was quite terrible. I really hate it when I have to discuss about work during ALL my lunchtime when I really want to have that precious one hour break. I tried to listen to my music using my earpiece and pretend that I could not hear anything but it does not work! Anyway, I was really pissed off today. Yes, everything is urgent but I do not wish to work for nine solid hours. I am not paid that well to work that hard for them. I am even more pissed off when I hear how they treated/treat my ex-colleagues/colleagues. I cannot believe that I am working for people – no, perhaps, I should say devil – who badmouth all their staff and expect everyone to be perfect when they are FAR from it.

On my way home, I came out with a list of things that they could badmouth about me.
1. Laugh too much during work
2. Being too muddle-headed
3. Not meticulous enough
4. Speak bad English
5. Desperate for boyfriend – possible since they (not referring to nice colleagues) keep matchmaking me with that IT guy and any guy they can think of.

Maybe there are more but I do not wish to know because I still have seven months to go. Whatever, okay?

I think I should really, really get that IT guy to solve my computer issue when he comes again so that I could watch my video during my lunch time. But, it is very hard not to be/feel shy when everyone is teasing about he and I. *Screams*

I need a lonnnnnngg break, really. Today, I lied to my tutee’s dad that I had something on so I could cancel my tuition and go out with my colleagues. I am really tired that her attitude towards her work is so poor. I am still holding onto this because I need the money. I know that I will surely give up on this after her CA1 next year.

Period.

A Chilling Saturday

2009-10-31T23:59:00.002+08:00

A Chilling Saturday

I had to make an extra effort to wake up at 9am even though the previous night I slept before 11pm. Perhaps, it was the cooling morning or my rare day without work that made me feel so reluctant to leave my warm and comfortable bed. Anyway, I did 20 crunches at one go, packed my room and prepared a pail of water so that I could clean my floor after my run. After a week of not running – been packed with activities on my non-tuition nights, I felt more tired than my usual run. Despite of that, I ran a longer distance. ^^ Yea, after my run, I cleaned my room and washed my common toilet’s basin and toilet bowl. =D

After my refreshing bathe and a not so appetising breakfast, I walked to Queenstown Library to borrow some books for myself and mum. Upon reaching there, I learnt that the library will only be opened at 2pm and it was only 1pm. o.o Therefore, I decided to make a trip to Orchard Road to buy my black dress by walking to a bus stop that required me to walk for 15minutes. The blazing sun made my walk a grumpy one. If you could read my mind, you would surely find me very irritating. Ha ha. That was how much I grumbled. =/

After waiting for what seemed like eternity, the bus finally came but I could not board it because it was too full. =( Anyway, I saw an ex-colleague but did not manage to greet her because I did not feel like doing so and she did not see me anyway. = p Seeing her answered a question of mine. I decided to walk back to Queenstown Library when the bus did not come by 1.45pm.
Upon reaching home, I had to carry out my mission – bring food to my sis’s hostel. The amount of things – 9 packets of drinks, 5 apples, 2 packets of rice, 6 slices of bread, 1 box of cake and 4 packets of biscuits – that I had to carry worsen my mood. =/ The journey to her hostel was definitely a torture. What to do? I am being a sweet and good sis, eh? =p Ha ha ha.

I ate my dinner with her and found some songs for my HP. I left there at about 5.40pm to travel to Illuma for ‘My Sister’s Keeper’ with Jet. Ha. Both of us were quite late but still in time to buy tickets and have to get into the cinema in 5minutes’ time.

It was a movie of how powerful love can be. This little girl was created (test-tube baby) to save her sis who was having leukaemia by donating blood substance (can’t find a better term to describe) to her sis and whenever she did, she would be in pain. Blah blah blah. Watch it yourselves! =D I wonder if something similar occurs in real life. Anyway, I tear a lot during the show. It has been quite some time since I last tear this much during a show.

After which, we headed to Orchard to get my black dress. The thought had been haunting me since Thursday when I saw it with Alex. I only bought their top as I thought that the design was really unique and I liked it immediately when I saw it. =D For the dress wise, I thought that I did not look as good as what Alex and the two staff described and could not find any reason/occasion wearing it. On the next day, I told two colleagues about it and they encouraged me to buy. On the very day, Alex tried to convince me by saying that I could wear it for dates, dinner, etc. When I saw sis, she encouraged me to buy by saying $29 is the usual/normal price for a dress. Anyway, before I bought it, I wore it for Jet to see and he thought I looked good too. Perhaps, I expect too much from myself therefore I thought I looked really ordinary in it. All right, I am still training hard for a better figure. =D

Jet brought me to ‘Toast Box’ at Wisma. Gosh. I liked it instantly especially when we were sitting next to the window where we could see part of the Orchard Road clearly. It was so beautiful with the Christmas decoration and rain. A really good place to chill out at, eh? ^^

Bad dreams

2009-10-29T12:55:00.001+08:00

Bad dreams

I had bad dreams last night. This time round, I dreamt of people who hurt me and whom I hope not to see for the rest of my life. I thought that I was doing fine but it is just an illusion.

A while ago, a colleague said that she wants to introduce me to one of her male friends.

Recently, my colleagues would try to matchmake to their friends or anyone they know.

I came out with some reasons for their doings.

1. I look like I am ready for marriage.
2. I look like I am desperate to get a boyfriend.
3. I am good enough to be their friends’ girlfriend.
4. I still look very sad.
5. I look lonely
6. (Can’t think of any other reason)

Haha. Nevertheless, I think that it is fun to do so. No harm making more friends, right? At the moment, I am not looking for one due to many reasons like no much free time and not having much faith in guys (Hahaha. Sorry to all guys who read this).

Refreshed Tuesday

2009-10-27T22:18:00.006+08:00

Refreshed Tuesday

Ha. Refreshed? I was so tired last night that I slept before 11pm. Therefore, I felt rather great this morning. ^^

Work was fine but very busy. I had so much to do that I still have a lot of work undone. Now, I am more convinced that work will never be completed in a day.

Anyway, during the break, I was so surprised to see someone’s email (reply) that it made me smile! Yesterday, I was a little down and needed some getaway so I tried my luck by emailing him when he is in Australia now. Well, he has not contacted me since the day he left here so I thought that he did not have any internet access.

After work, a colleague and I went to do pedicure! It was my first time doing it and thought that it was a little ticklish when the manicurist tried to remove my dead/dried skin. I chose two different shades of bright pink and glittering circles as the coat for my toes. I really liked it as I thought that it looked nice on me. ^^ It cost me $26.40. My generous colleague actually let me use her package so that it will be cheaper. =) More importantly, the aftereffect is so different from what I have done on my toes/nails. =/

I thought that I would smile upon seeing my pay being credited into my account but I did not as the total amount in my bank account is not the desired amount I wanted to see! The worse is, I still have to wait till mid of next month before seeing the desired amount. =(

Anyway, today is my mask day again! I used the chocolate flavoured mask. Yes, it smelt nice but I felt that it would not work that well. Perhaps, it is due to its strong chocolate smell. My face is so smooth once again! =D No, correction, it should be smoother than usual. =p

I think I will be sleeping right after my three sets of crunches. Tell me why am I so tired? Blah. Another tuition session tomorrow. Yes, for the sake of my school fees and expenses, I will continue to press on. But, I am really so, so tired. =(

The thought of you brings tears.......

Many smiles

2009-10-25T22:43:00.005+08:00

Many, many smiles

This morning was not so great as I felt really so tired and hoped to sleep a little longer. Once I reached the office, I made myself a cup of hot green tea to perk myself up a little.

Work was great with little mistakes. Lunch was even better because I had it with a colleague who shared half of her delicious and nutritious soup which was cooked by her son, with me. I am so blessed with nice colleagues and friends loving and treating me well, eh? ^^ Oh ya. I drank a packet of slimming tea today. Two packets of it were left behind by an ex-colleague. I thought it was fun so I gave it a try. It tasted terrible. >.< But anyway, I still finished it because I did not want to waste it. =D

Anyway, I came across a song on someone’s blog and decided to listen. I fell in love with it the moment I heard it. Most importantly, the girls are so pretty, with nice expressions and have sweet voice. In fact, I loved all their songs. If you realize, they have nice lips too. Ha. There, I started telling someone about them having kissable lips - in my opinion. I hope that my male readers will not start to fantasize about kissing them after reading this part. =x

If you ask me for the definition of kissable lips, I will say that my definition is…erm… weird. I will first look at the teeth. I will be turned off if any tooth is black or grayish (shows that you have bad hygiene practice)or if your teeth are badly arranged (Am I using the right description to describe the teeth? Also, I am sorry if you do not have nice set of teeth because this is only my thought). Secondly, he must be someone whom I love. I cannot imagine kissing someone whom I have no feelings for. Thirdly, no bad breath. Hahahaha. Sounds like I am very experienced? Neh~ I am very innocent, all right? =D

Okay, I guess I have no rights to be so choosy. I do not have kissable lips (hahahaha) because I think the colour is too dark to the extent that they look grayish at times. I do not really like my eyes and ears because they are too small and big respectively. =/ My nose is acceptable and so is my complexion (not when I am 1cm away from a mirror =p). I love my dimples most. =D I have the height but not the figure. Perhaps, I do not really like how I look, huh. Did I say that I already thought of doing plastic surgery when I was still a primary school student? Blah. How many times have I talked about my looks on this blog and how many times have people tried convincing me that I am not ugly? I am very stubborn, huh? Yes, I realized that I am. =)

Today was my last time seeing a colleague because next Saturday will be her last day and I do not work on Saturday. When we were on the cab, I asked her if she would miss working here. She did not think that she would but she would miss a few colleagues like me! =D That made me smile but I pretended to be nonchalant about it. =/ Ha. I am very good at doing it. =p

I will miss her too because she was like my last colleague from my batch. The rest of them just joined us not too long ago. When I first met her, I really thought that she disliked me but after asking around, I got to know that she would be unfriendly to strangers. Gosh. When the call center first started, there were only two people on duty on weekends. It was so awkward to be working with her because she was so quiet. In order to ease the situation, I came up with many topics to talk about. As such, it did solve the problem and she even took the initiative to talk to me. =D

To sum up, I had a great Sunday! ^^

Emotional week

2009-10-23T23:11:00.003+08:00

Emotional week

For the whole of today, I just felt like crying. I automatically woke up before 6am and sent out a message that I prepared before I slept.

In the morning, I did my usual stuff slower than most mornings. I was so slow that when I looked at my HP clock, it indicated 8.30am and I should and must leave my house at 8.25am. I walked so fast that I reached the bus stop at 8.33am. Anyway, I was only late for 5minutes which was so lucky of me!

Work was better today but I was so tired.

I think that the highlight of today is, the maid actually asked me why her sis cannot call her HP. After checking, I told her that her pre-paid card’s value is running low. Before she left the room (my tutee was in the toilet), she told me not to tell any of the family members as she would get scolding from them. =/ Poor thing! My heart goes to foreigners who leave/left their hometown and all their family members and work in a foreign country. I think that they are so brave! However, at the same time, I can curse and swear at them for snatching some of our jobs and occupying some of the places in polytechnic or universities. Ha. Whatever it is, I will try to give my best in whatever I do.

Three reasons that made me smile today:

1. The trust that my tutee's maid has for me. Once, she even entered the room just to show me
her family photos. It was mixed feelings.

2. There is an application in FB asking questions like if you had never met… how it would be or
what is… dream’s job. A colleague actually posted, “no jokes from blur queen @ work to
laugh... hahaha” I did not know that my silly acts are regarded as their jokes too.

3. A friend actually said that I am one of his friends whom he missed when he was in camp.
Actually, when he was telling me that he missed his friends, the first thought that came to my
mind was, “I doubt that I was being missed” but he did. =D

Wishing that I will stop feeling for once because it hurts so much...

Something to ponder on

2009-10-21T22:34:00.001+08:00

Something to ponder on

I had a very bad day at work because I got shouted at for making a mistake that I did not realize and never being told over the past three months. At that moment, I was in shock. I was never heard. Am I really so insignificant and untrustworthy that I am not heard when I really want and hope to? Maybe I am not clear enough in my explanation but I did read everything to the candidates. I really mean everything and even gave explanation so how can it be not detailed? Maybe that is how that place works. When someone makes a mistake, pride is not taken into consideration. I can never forget the detail of the email that was being sent to everyone when a staff made a mistake for the first time. Maybe what is more surprising about the today’s matter is, I was being shouted at by someone whom I adore and respect. Sorry to say that I may have changed my opinion from that moment onwards.

Today marked the second time I cried in the office due to how I was being treated. Something I did different was, I walked out of the office and cried.

I thought I was doing fine and that I could stay there and do my part time degree next year but I think that I may have to take my words back.

Or, is that how the world works? If it is so, I am more disappointed than I ever have about the world.

In spite of all, I am still going to list down the three things that made me smile today.

1. The sight of Xinyu (the girl whom my mum babysits) because I have not seen her for quite some time and I really miss her a lot.

2. I had my subway treat – a reward for finishing six subway cookies during the office hour – from by colleague.

3. The moment my boss passed my payslip to me.

Stuck with thoughts

2009-10-19T22:00:00.002+08:00

Stuck with thoughts

Lately, I have been feeling more emotional than usual and the culprit must be my period that is coming soon. =/ I am feeling sad and empty all over again. I cannot wait for November to come as I will not be giving tuition for about three weeks as requested by my tutee’s dad. It is good news to me and I will use the extra time to go for my run when I have no plans on that particular day. Well, the rainy season is nearing so it will be wiser to run while I can. I think I will start going to the library more often during the rainy season to past time. Anyway, it is really very relaxing to read while sitting at the side of the window where you can see the rain falling. =)

I am falling in love with the rainy season.

Does it contradict my sunshine character? But, the question is, when am I one?

The three reasons :D
1. Seeing my new colleague. I miss Joanne Chua! =/
2. Had a nice ramen for lunch. =D
3. Went for my 15mins run after work. Sounds crazy?

May I ask how have you been?

A Superb Saturday

2009-10-17T22:30:00.005+08:00

A Superb Saturday

I started my Saturday well! I slept at 10.30pm last night as I had nothing much on hands and were feeling tired. I woke up at about 8.45am, did ten sit-ups and went for a fifteen minutes run. It was a refreshing run as I was dripping with sweat after that. It must the doing of the blazing sun too. Did I tell you that I am determined to slim down after being told that I look fatter? =/ That sentence really does make me feel that I have grown fatter too. Sigh.

For some reason, I had a sudden urge to clean my room and wash my house’s common toilet (basin, toilet bowl and floor). It really gave me a great sense of achievement after seeing that they are much cleaner now. The bathe I had after that made me feel that I had not had such an enjoyable and refreshing one for a long, long time. =D Oh. The technician came and solved my internet issue. The problem was due to my service provider again! >.< Anyway, I went to work at the call center as it is double pay today! =D Moreover, the working hours is 6hours shorter compared to working on a Sunday. After work, my colleague and I decided to cab to Kallang MRT station today since the company said that each taxi ride is claimable up to $15. How could I not smile when it was such a comfortable ride to a station nearer to my home and I was able to save more on my transport fare? =) A kindergarten classmate actually wants me to introduce a job to his sis who has just completed her ‘N’ level. When I gave him my company email address, he confirmed it with me again to ensure that it belongs to mine. Reason being, he wants his sis’s resume to be in my hands as he has bad experience with some recruiters so he does not want the same thing to happen to sis. It really made me smile as he trusts me. ^^ Wait, I mean it is a good feeling to be trusted by others. =)

The void.

Internet is down again!

2009-10-14T12:45:00.004+08:00

Internet is down again!

For the past two days, I slept much earlier than usual and had good solid hours of sleep. =D How long have I not experienced that? My days have been good and I have not been lazy to write my “three things that make me smile” to keep myself going. They are still in my hand phone.

Anyway, it seems like I have been given extra time for myself. Recently, I have been thinking of doing a Part-Time Degree in HR if I can’t get into social work. If it really happens, I will continue my full time job and forgo my two part time jobs. I think that I will be okay because if I am able to do my two part time jobs but why not three hours of lessons for two nights in a week. Well, nothing is confirmed and I hope that everything is based on my decision but not by others especially people whom I think have been hurting and not given me much support all this while.

A colleague challenged me to eat six subway cookies in a day and the reward is a subway meal. =p People who know me well will know that this is very easy for me. I ate four cookies in two hours and two more to go. ^^

Anyway, I can only come online on Saturday because I am only available on Saturday for the technician to come. This will be the third time already! Oh my god. >.<

The presence of emptiness...Being forbidden to tear for the same reason. It is hard though not as hard but I will still try because I...

Three things that make ME smile!

2009-10-11T22:27:00.004+08:00

Three things that make ME smile!

Here it goes:

1. I finished the task that I set for myself. =) It is still a mystery but I really hope that it can make someone happy.

2. After more than 6months of working at the call center, my supervisor finally gave me the permission to take a taxi from Eunos MRT station (that is the nearest to my home and office) to my office and vice versa and I started doing it today. =D This arrangement is so much better for me because I am a lazy person. Therefore I do not really like going to Outram MRT and change to another MRT. =/

3. I have not shed a single drop of tears for at least 3 days and am going to continue working hard to be happy.

I just found out another couple just broke up when I thought that they would last till marriage. I felt sad for them even though I do not know them in person. I started reading the girl (a friend’s friend)’s blog when she was 17 and found it interesting so I continue reading it till now. Gradually, it seems like I know her in person. By the way, she is as young as me. Which couple is next? What is wrong with people now? Why do they break up due to really minor matters? =(

Three things that make ME smile!

2009-10-10T23:45:00.003+08:00

Three things that make ME smile!

Here it goes:

1. I had a craving for chicken rice so I actually went to Queenstown Market to have it after work. For now, I think it is the best chicken rice I know of. ^^ Initially, I had the intention to borrow books on Social Work from Queenstown Library. Therefore, I had to go to the National Library to read it. Ha. My office is really near to Bugis and I made a trip back to Queenstown and back to Bugis again. Anyway, I bought Chocolate Milk Tea from Queenstown MRT and that big cup only cost me $1.50! =D

2. I found some books related to social work and even topics on what I wanted to read! I was quite glad to see topics related to social work for prisoners/criminals. I may even consider doing it at hospitals – I am mentally prepared for the life and death of my clients too. I still have three solid months to consider whether or not I want this as my career. In fact, this will be a tough journey for me because I am positive that people whom I yearn support for, will object me for doing this. Wouldn’t life be boring if you are doing things for the sake of being successful in life? No, this is not what I am looking for. I cannot imagine myself wearing a business suit and conducting major meetings with clients and subordinates. Yes, I cannot deny that I hope to be successful and reasonably rich in life but having a career that is meaningful is more important to me. Anyway, I still have a lot to consider for, like meeting really difficult people, expressing myself and dealing with people. I am really, really glad to have supportive friends! =)

3. I bought a blusher that suits my skin tone! ^^ Is it a bad thing that I am getting more vain? o.O I have more and more beauty products! = p Ho ho.

Three things that make ME smile!

2009-10-09T22:15:00.005+08:00

Three things that make ME smile!

Here it goes:

1. It is finally end of the tough week that I am going through! I think that the toughest thing of this week is the four lessons I had to give after my work. Luck has never been on my side to give me obedient students. =/ Nevertheless, I am really proud of Lim Chu Er who has been able to persevere till today! ^^

2. I had a great lunch today. I decided to buy a side dish which I really hoped to try which was BBQ pork with sesame seeds and rice. I brought soup from home as I could not finish my breakfast this morning. The soup contained cabbage, carrot, pork, button mushrooms and sea cucumber and it was really delicious! =) This explains why I only bought one side dish with rice. I usually try to maintain the cost at about $2 so that I will have money for the things that I really want to buy.

3. Today is mask day! I am still having my mask on my face while typing this entry. It is Cherry Blossom mask today and has the strongest smell compared to the two other masks that I tried. I hope that my complexion can be better or remain the same when I hit 30. =p Actually, I hope that my complexion can be better. Am I too greedy? =/

Three things that make ME smile!

2009-10-08T23:04:00.003+08:00

Three things that make ME smile!

Here it goes:

1. We had a nice KFC meal today because it is a colleague’s birthday tomorrow so she actually gave the whole company a treat. How long have I not have KFC? It could have tasted better if the food was warmer and arrived much earlier for us to eat. Anyway, I am still grateful to have the treat. ^^

2. My nice colleagues actually uploaded the pictures into Facebook already. There are so many nice photos! =D

3. I am quite glad that I got through today despite the fact that I am extremely tired today due to the lack of sleep. Kudos Chu Er!

*A LONG BIG YAWN* Good night world~

Three things that make ME smile!

2009-10-07T23:59:00.001+08:00

Three things that make ME smile!

Here it goes:

1. My candidate was so surprised and happy that she got shortlisted for an assignment that she said, “Oh my God” and “Really” for at least 2 times. Ha. It made me laugh so hard too. Most candidates actually take us for granted. I felt really happy for her. ^^

2. My colleagues and I went for the company dinner. It is a nice feeling to put work aside and enjoy together. It was like a big group friends going out. I think I was still not that comfortable going out with a big group of people. Anyway, we still had a lot of laughter! =) I think the food was not fantastic and believe that we paid $36 because of the ambience and location.

3. Today was my first time to clubbing. Yes, only when I am going to turn 21 in less than 4months' time! It was still very early when we reached there so it was rather difficult to judge whether I liked the environment. Anyway, I found it okay and saw some cute guys. Ha.

Today, there were three people thought that I am already 22 when I am only 20. =/ I think I am quite used to people saying that I look older than my actual age so I did not feel that hurt anymore. =)

I thought I saw you but only to realise that it was just an illusion and it brought tears....

Three things that make ME smile!

2009-10-06T22:15:00.006+08:00

Three things that make ME smile!

Here it goes:

1. We were able to send out more resumes than requested within 2hours. =) It had not been an easy day for us as our manager was not in to settle small and big issues that came to us. I felt that I was more confused than usual. Anyway, I think the spirit of teamwork was great! ^^

2. The company dinner that we are going tomorrow will only cost $36 instead of $42 or even more because my boss decided to go so that she can use her HSBC credit card to help us get the discount.^^ As such, I can save more money! After joining this company, I spend 10times more money than I ever had in my life. =/ I will take it that I am taking a short break from studies so the amount I spend now is like a reward for working hard as a student for the past 13years. = p Like real. Ha

3. My tutee actually praised me that I looked nice in my tube top. It made me smile because she hardly praises me. She usually criticizes me, that is, giving negative remarks. =/ Oh. She actually waited for me at her void deck. Her grandma told me that she (my tutee) said she must wait for me at the void deck. Well, it was quite sweet of her. =)

On the 26th of Sept, Sis and I went to ION Orchard for the Swensen 1-for-1 Ice cream buffet. I will not go again unless there is another such offer because it is quite expensive to spend about $20 for that buffet.

Beloved sunflowers and I! =D

Sunflowers and US! ^^

Three things that make ME smile!

2009-10-05T22:16:00.005+08:00

Three things that make ME smile!

Here it goes:

1. I made a stranger smile. ^^ What happened was, I actually spoke and laughed very loudly (like again) in the lift over something which I cannot recall. So, my manager started to say, “Bu yao jiang hua na mo da shen!” and laughed at the same time over what I said or how I laughed (whichever). She told me not to speak so loudly. Ha. That is us! Somehow, it made me laugh even more and I saw the stranger smile too.

2. Tution went pretty well today as there was very little distraction. My guess is, she enjoyed the shape lesson we had today. =) Well, we cannot have the same lesson everyday.

3. When my colleague announced that she already had my tube top that I ordered, it made me smile. At first, I was a little disappointed with the material and colour but I changed my mind when I tried it at home. I thought that it is not that bad afterall. =)

Wishing that x'mas is coming soon.

Three things that make you smile

2009-10-04T22:27:00.001+08:00

Three things that make you smile

In order to help myself recover, I will make an effort to write down three things that make me smile at the end of each day. Research has shown that it can lift one’s mood.

Here it goes:

1. A colleague thought that my dress looks nice on me. (I often worry that my clothes will attract negative feedbacks from people. Therefore, she made me smile. ^^)

2. An ex-classmate, Afiq talked to me on MSN today which was quite surprising because I have not heard from him after knowing that he passed his math re-test. We updated each other on each other’s life. CEDRICK! He will be attending your 21st birthday party! So, I do not have to bring any present to your party, right? =p

3. I found the drama “Full House” on an online streaming website. Ha. I just thought of watching it again because I remember it as a sweet drama and want to experience it. I remember my literature teacher telling me that every time you read a story or watch a move or drama again, it will give you a new experience. Anyway, I watched that show when I was still 15. After 5years, I believe that I will think differently of that show.

Trust me, it is not that easy to list down three things but I did. Way to go! =)

Get out, agony!

2009-10-03T23:59:00.006+08:00

Get out, agony!

I had a day of fun at the Escape Themepark. Like what the name suggests, it is like a place for me to escape from the reality and hurt I have been facing.

If not of the $8/person coupon, I would not be going there because it is not worth it to pay $17+ for each ticket. I was quite disappointed as there were only five stations for me to play. o.o The rocking boat made me scream and laugh like nobody’s business. (Please don’t imagine how I scream because it may turn you deaf. =p) I totally love it anyway. (AHHHHHHHHHHHH! It was like screaming all my agony out.)

Oh. There was this station called "Haunted". Well, it reminded me of something again. Blah. Whatever. Anyway,I persuaded Cedrick to go in when he did not want to. When we were almost inside, I pulled him out as I thought it was very scary. =/ Yes, I admit that I am a coward. =/

There was a station that required me to drive a car (not a real one, of course). I was so scared especially after Cedrick telling me that the car was operated on a real engine so you cannot bang against it. Therefore I took the advice and drove the car very slowly and carefully. I was so slow that when I returned from the second lap, everyone was already waiting for me and I still had another lap to go. Gosh. How embarrassing. I never knew driving is so scary. =/

After which, we went to Changi Airport to have our Popeye meal and it was my first time eating it. =D I thought that it was quite a nice meal and had not had a meal filled with fried food with no vegetables for a long, long time. Not that I miss it but rather, I am not a big fan of fried food. Then, we walked around Changi Airport for a cosy place to rest and chat. Well, we did not have the best place but was good enough though. Actually, Changi Airport is a nice place to chill at especailly when the rainy season is here soon. =)

When passing by a MRT station which was once a familiar one, I tried very hard to pretend that it was just another station. I know that I need much more time to get over it for, I am Chu Er, someone who lacks confident and is very sentimental, stubborn, emotional and not so strong at heart.

Anyway, I will be very busy this week as I will be giving tuition on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and going to my company's dinner on Wednesday. =( I will press on and stay strong no matter how hard it will be.

This is for myself, my future and people who love and care for me. =)

A very heartwarming, sweet and cute video. I LOVEEEE his voice. Check it out!

A video about your partner. Something that I begin to lose belief in when I used to think that to be in love is a beautiful thing and look forward to that. Not at the moment though.

A quick entry

2009-09-28T12:50:00.003+08:00

A quick entry

I will try to type it fast. Whether or not I can finish it, I will still post it.

I had another nightmare last night that is the worst since that incident. I woke up having bad stomachache, feeling very weak, had diarrhoea and felt like vomiting.

Well, the nightmare is about someone whom I want yet do not want to see. In that dream, I found out that that someone was horrible and irresponsbile person and could still remember that I was going through every single bit of the events.

No, I seriously doubt that that someone is a horrible and irresponsible person.

Stop haunting me because it is tearing me apart.

Fabulous Friday!

2009-09-25T21:52:00.006+08:00

Fabulous Friday!

It had been a busy yet great day because I had about four interviews today. The more interviews I have, the happier I am because it means that my time will pass by much faster. And also, my manager will have lesser time to stress me to source for more candidates for the assignments. =p

The freelance IT assistant that my company hired to solve our hardware and software issues came today. GOSH. Before that, my boss kept promoting him to me. She said that he is a very nice guy, only 25 years old and already gotten his degree. Laugh out loud. When he came, my boss AND manager tried to introduce me to him that I wanted to go into hiding. I felt so shy. No, in fact, both of us felt so shy. Maybe I felt shyer than he. In the end, both he and I did not manage to talk to each other. I cannot deny that he looks like a nice guy. No harm knowing a new friend, eh? Well, we were too shy to talk to each other. Perhaps, he did not want to know me since I am so loud in my company. =/ It was my third time seeing him.

At 4.30pm, I knocked off from work because my manager and I needed to set off to deliver mooncakes to her client. ^^ However, unsurprisingly, we only left at 4.45pm because my manager always has too much unfinished work to do. *shrug*

I finally met up with those clients whom I always hear over the phone or even see their names when my candidates’ resumes are sent to them. I was even more excited to meet the VP of HR because his voice is very soothing over the phone. Anyway, to my disappointment, he was not the hunk I always imagined but an uncle (but more handsome and younger than my dad. =p) My manager embarrassed me (again) by telling him that I am always excited when I hear his voice. ROAR. How many times must she embarrass me today? =/ We were on the 40th floor (not the highest floor though) of the building and that VP showed us the good view of the F1 track. Actually, I did not feel that comfortable seeing or knowing anything to do with F1 because it reminded me of something which I try very hard not to recall. Sigh. Well…

Anyway, all the deliveries were done slightly before 6pm so I was able to head down to my tutee’s house much earlier. It also means that I could leave her house earlier. =D Yea. I left there at least 20minutes than usual. ^^

Although I still feel the emptiness and sadness in me, I did not feel like crying for the whole of today. This is a good way to end the last working day of the week, isn’t it? ^^

I will be happier if I am being missed for a tiny winy bit, really.

Wrong move VS Gullible

2009-09-24T22:17:00.005+08:00

Wrong move VS Gullible

I had another encounter on how I should not be soft-hearted. Well, a candidate was supposed to turn up for interview today but he did not. After calling him for several times, he still did not pick up. Until one hour later, he finally called back.

He claimed that he met up with an accident therefore he could not pick up my call just now and I immediately believed him. I even told him to rest well and take his time to call me. He kept apologizing and assured me that he would call back tomorrow. So, how could I not believe him?

After telling the whole story to my manager and colleagues, they felt that I should not believe him.

But, I still insisted on trusting him when they work there much longer than I do. Erm. Wait. Not that he is handsome (which I can’t know since he did not attach his photo to his resume), but through his tone, I felt that he was telling the truth.

Then, a colleague said if let say, my boyfriend broke up with me because of a third party and came back to me on one fine day and apologized, the chance that I would forgive and patch back with him is high. Guess what? I think she is quite right. I am nut. I am hopeless. No matter how many times I am being disappointed and hurt, I still believe that everyone is nice and kind-hearted when many are not at all. How pathetic.

Anyway, for some reason, I felt rather emotional for the whole day. On my way to the tutee’s house, I tried very hard to swallow my tears down.

Once again, some make me feel that I have no rights to feel sad.

Count myself lucky

2009-09-23T23:59:00.007+08:00

Count myself lucky

My office is constructed in a way that it has two levels. I sit at the first level. Today, I reminded myself again that I am being lucky for sitting there as my colleagues and I joke among ourselves everyday. Through a colleague, I realized that I am not the only one making mistakes for my resume. Yes, I know it is not a good way to encourage myself but it just makes me feel a little better. The good thing is, my manager does not criticize when I make mistakes for my resume. But, I always feel very disappointed with myself when being told that I made mistakes like missing out certain information. I can be so disappointed that the desire of giving up my job is so strong but I know that I cannot do so until next July. I will continue to work hard!^^

Anyway, my manager told me to deliver mooncakes to some clients on this Friday with her. Ha. I am secretly happy about it because it means that I will have a shorter day at work. =D Plus, it is a local bank which I have not been to before. ^^ I guess I will be rather excited about the trip because it is my first time doing so. I must remind myself to be more lady-like when I go there. =p

How nice it is if I own a garden filled with sunflowers? It is even nicer if I can receive it from the love of my love. Ha. I am dreaming again! *roll eyes*

As wounds are healed, new wounds are uncovered. Too many words are left unsaid. Too much thoughts are never known. The hurt and pain are unbearable but one day, sunshine will do its justice by coming back.

Absence from the cyber world

2009-09-20T09:27:00.006+08:00

Absence from the cyber world

19/09/2009

Internet is down but like what everyone else says, everything happens for a reason. Maybe “someone” out there knows that I have been down for some time and I need to be alone instead of connecting with the outside world, therefore, it is down. Ha. Recently, it seems like I am beginning to face the hurt and reality because of the places I went a few days ago. Occasionally, I nearly stopped and cried on the spot and reminisced the past. I…I want to cry out loud but I refuse to let myself to. Perhaps, I believe that by laughing and smiling and making others laugh can wash my hurts away. Deep down, part of me refuses to acknowledge the hurt I have that I actually hide it in a corner where I will hardly visit it. Somehow, I am so glad that I do not have to work today and that it is a rainy morning as I need it to unwind myself. Why? During this period of time, I chatted with many friends and all of them assure me that there is nothing wrong with me but I refuse to accept it. I think that I am one of the worst persons on this Earth who should not even exist. My existence only causes hurts and disappointments to people who pin high hopes on me and love me. I never seem to be able to do anything right. I am still blaming myself very hard on everything that has happened. I think I made everything goes wrong. I am so very sorry.

Well, of course for the time I have not been online, there were things that cheered me up.

On Monday, when I reached the void deck of my tutee’s house, I actually saw her maid and her waiting for me. I think it was really so sweet of them. ^^ I really pity her as her parents are busy working most of the time. Her mum goes overseas for work most of the time while her dad usually reaches home late due to his meeting. So what if their totally income amounts to a big sum of money when their kid’s results suffer? I even feel that my tutee is lonely because she often asks me to stay over to play with her. Maybe I am a substitute for the love she has not really felt over the years. I feel like telling her I am lack of love too. Ha.

On Tuesday, I went out with Kenneth for a catch up before he gets enlisted next month. I finally visited the bar that I always pass by when I go to the Esplanade. The drink I had (I think it was Peach Martini) only took its effect when I was on my way home because my whole face felt rather hot. Before I had my drink, Kenneth asked me a few times if I was really up for it. It seems like no one believes that I can drink. =/

On Thursday, I went to watch “The Ugly Truth” with Alex at Marina Square. I really liked that show a lot as it made laugh so hard. Alex said that my laughter was easily the loudest compared to the rest. Seriously, I thought that I did not laugh that loudly. =p Oh ya. The main actor was so sexy in that show. Hee. Perhaps, I should learn and apply the tricks I learned from that show on Men. I was quite surprised to hear that it a NC16 but not M18 show. Anyway, it was still my kind of perfect show. I totally loved how they started from enemy, how the main actor felt jealous when she was so happy to be with the guy she loved, how they realized that they seemed to fall for each other and how they got together. Sometimes in the midst of the show, I would ask Alex how the guy felt because I was not too sure if he really felt the way as I thought. Watching a show with the right person (as in someone who appreciates the show you watch) is important especially when it comes to a person like me. I can be so caught up with certain details that I miss out other details. =/

It is sunny when I finished writing this entry.

TODAY

It seems like it is the “breaking up” season as everyone seems to be breaking up now. What is going on with the world? I always thought that no matter what kind of obstacles couples face, they will grow old together. As I grow up, the world is no longer what I thought it was. My bubbles of dreams are burst. I begin to have a phobia of getting into a relationship for, I am so scared of going through the “breaking up” or “divorce” stage. Yes, I am pessimistic but how can I not when… Sigh.

If only everything can be simplified, this world will be a happier place for living. I think it is not that surprising if I remain single for the rest of my life.

Nearly fainted

2009-09-15T12:53:00.002+08:00

Nearly fainted

I have this male candidate who has been looking for jobs for a few months already. Based on his working experience and qualification, he should be able to get a job easily but luck has never been on his side. Finally, he has gotten a job so he has to come down to sign a committment letter. He came and looked for me during my lunch time when I told him to come at 1.15pm.

My manager told me to attend to him and I did. I could not remember how he looks like so I asked, "You are XXX?"

He said, "Ya. You don't remember me ah?"

Me: "Yea. I have not seen you for more than a month already."

He: "Like that ah. I drop by more often lo."

Laugh out loud. Nearly fainted on the spot.

Me: "Erm. No need la. Ha ha."

ROAR. Another weird candidate.

Monday blues

2009-09-14T23:10:00.002+08:00

Monday blues

Today had been a very busy day for me to the fact that it seemed like I had been rushing for the whole day. No kidding but I like it because there was very minimal time for unnecessary
thoughts.

Ah. My colleagues helped me to list down a list of criteria of my dream guy. The list goes longer everyday as I meet or see more male candidates. It is quite funny though.

They are (suggested by them):

- The smell must be pleasant to me. (It can really be a turn-off to me if he does not smell nice. All right. Perhaps, I may stink too because sis often says I stink. =/ So, I shall agree that this point of my dream guy is true.)

- Big nose. (Just because I told them that a friend told me that a guy with big nose means that he has a big penis. Ha ha. SO, now they keep insisting that I like guys with big nose because they will have big penis. Please! I mean, I seriously don’t care if the love of my life has big penis. So what if he does? o.O I want to emphasis that I did not make up any of these!)

- I can’t remember the rest for now.=/

My evening at work ended a little not so well because I made mistakes for my resumes again. I really thought it was fine before sending it to my colleague. In the end, she spotted two mistakes from it. =( At that moment, I felt so ashamed and deeply disappointed with myself. Why am I always so muddle-headed and careless? Sigh. I hate it, really.

On my way to tuition, I felt like crying again. I am not too sure whether it was the overwhelming of my work or that matter that made me feel like crying but I just felt like doing so.

Well, there are some reasons that cheer my night up. One of the reasons is Cedrick has Escape vouchers that cost $8/person! GOSH. It is so cheap! I have been asking around for someone to accompany me for years but to no avail. But what, I will be going there soon for the first time in my life! Hee. I always love the roller coaster or just anything that makes me feel like screaming out loud even though I hardly do so. =D

There is another reason that made me smile and thought that it is rather sweet at the same time. Not mentioning anything here though.

Good night world!

Running for my dear life

2009-09-13T11:16:00.003+08:00

Running for my dear life

Once every few months, I would have such a nightmare that requires me to run for my life in my dream.

This time round, I remember that I was running for my life with a guy. I was so frightened that people who were chasing after us would catch up with us. The great thing is, whether I am running alone or with others, the chaser(s) has never caught up with me.

I did some research and realise that the dream shows that I am running away from somebody/something who/which is hurting me in my waking life. I am avoiding it at all cause. I am being advised to confront the chaser(s) when I see him/her/them again so that I will know what I am running away from.

I guess I never enjoy being chased by someone/something because it is scary to me. It has never been a pleasant dream to me. =(

Another nightmare that I sometimes have is to be fallen from a height with fear. It would feel very real. It indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.

I guess so too. Sigh.

2 For 1 Swensen buffet + New hairstyle!

2009-09-12T23:59:00.005+08:00

2 For 1 Swensen buffet + New hairstyle!

Work had been slightly busy today because I had 3interviews today. After which, I went to Chapter 2 which I had already placed an appointment with the hairstylist introduced by Vivian for my haircut. Initially, I only wanted to spend extra money on hair treatment as I was quite reluctant to pay more than $100 for my haircut. But, she tried to persuade me to colour my hair but I said no because I prefer my hair colour. After which, she tried to persuade me to do rebonding because hair treatment does not make a significant difference. Anyway, I gave in by doing soft rebonding – the cheapest one ($144) – and I also added Keratin Oil ($28) for my hair treatment exclusive of GST. I know it sounds crazy!

To summarize a long story, she added some cream on my hair for more than the planned timing and put a machine to heat my hair. After which, another hairstylist washed my hair with shampoo and conditional. Then, she dried my hair with a dryer for at least ten minutes. And, the same procedure was repeated except for drying of my hair because she put Keratin Oil. She washed it away after twenty minutes and dried my hair again. Woah. The hairwash was very comfortable because she helped me to massage my head. ^^By then, more than two hours were gone. Only then, I started my haircut. The only criteria I gave was to have my hair at least touching my shoulders as I really did not want my hair to be too short.

Poor Alex waited for 3hours 15minutes. Didn’t I say that he is my sweetest friend on earth? He was so tired after all the waiting.

Finally, we made our way down to ION orchard for our 2 for 1 Swensen Buffet! Wow. It is really very big. I think Alex was not so happy because I walked in my usual speed – very fast for most people. I guess I should understand because when someone is in a bad mood or feeling tired, everything seems to be moving slowly. Once we saw the queue, Alex had an urge not to queue up. However, once we stepped into the shop and saw the menu, Alex’s mood totally changed!

There were so many ice cream favour, cakes, brownies, toppings and even chocolate and cheese fondue for strawberries and marshmellow! GOSH! How could we resist it? We could not wait to start on any of those!

Once, we actually challenged ourselves (suggested by him)to eat a very sour favour ice cream. GOSH.

I hesitated for a few minutes before putting everything into my mouth.

My first instant expression upon putting everything into my mouth. Cold and sour! OUCH~

See~ Alex was being cocky.

I reckoned that he was acting cool. *roll eyes*

I was trying to exaggerate. Ha.

My new hairstyle!

Under the sunlight! Ah~ This reminds me of sunflowers!

Taken in the toilet. Ho ho.

I like this picture because my eyeliner can be seen! =p

My hair has become so short now but I like it because it seems to be much neater now.

Sis and I will be going there on the last Saturday of this month! Hee.

A better today

2009-09-10T21:44:00.002+08:00

A better today

I read Cedrick’s blog before I went to work this morning and it made my morning an emotional one. =/ Perhaps, I am not as brave as him.

It was a busy day at work but in a good way. As usual, there is bound to be something funny taken place at my office. My manager told me to call a candidate. After taking a glace at his photo, I was so shocked. I thought he looked quite manly and his name is “Rain” Then, I realized that he is a mixed blood. O.O Woohoo. So, I told the intern student about it and that I am “Sunshine” Ha ha ha. After which, my manager told me to be fiercer to him by saying “I am thunder”. We kept laughing at it till I dared not call him because I might laugh. Anyway, I still had to call. Well, he did not pick up my call after two attempts. Fifteen minutes later, the intern student turned to me and said, “OMG. He sounds so good! He said, “May I know who called? I am Rain” Laugh out loud. I could not stop laughing that I had to try very hard to calm myself down. I think his voice can really blow me off that even “thunder” could not withstand its – erm – charm. Okay. I am crapping. Seriously, I was stumbling through out the conversation that I really wonder if he could understand what I was telling him. Oh. He speaks with a slang.

BUT, I still prefer the “17” guy. =D Now, everyone knows that I keep looking at guys. Well, I tell them that it is my source of motivation, do you believe me?

Well, I have never in a minute forgotten the promise I made so, no, I am just looking at them for a moment of entertainment. Ha. I am not silly but just want to uphold the belief I have. I will wait.

Oh. I told a lie today that made me blush because my whole face felt so hot. My manager had an urgent order so I thought anyone can apply for it. Therefore, I quickly made a phone call to my candidate and I suddenly recalled about the qualification criteria. So, I put the call on hold and asked my manager. To my horror, I can’t try her for it because of her qualification. o.o GOSH. I said, “SHIT. I have to tell a lie.” Sigh. Anyway, I did it but with difficulty because I really do not like to lie unless I really have no choice. =(

After work, I went to my tutee’s house for tuition. While walking to her house, I was fighting the urge to cry because I did not want to smurge my mascara and anyone to see me crying. Well, tears did well up in my eyes. Sigh. Whatever. Anyway, when I saw them at the doorstep, his dad said that the tuition is postponed to next Thursday, not today. So, I told him that the message he sent says it was today. Whatever. I gave a fake smile and walked away after him apologizing. My tutee looked well but not sick at all. Seriously, I wonder what her parents are thinking about. I am quite worried that she will not get promoted to Primary three with her current results. *shake head*

I am still missing school and youuuuuuuuuu. ='(

Another not so joyful update

2009-09-09T20:03:00.001+08:00

Another not so joyful update

I am just back home from dinner with dad and mum. My tuition is postponed to tomorrow because she is sick.

Today was a really bad day because I cried in the office. I think I seriously need a cry. I mean, I have been trying hard not to cry for many days and there she went nagging at me again. So, I broke down. I was pissed off with her. I know I should not but I just could not control my tears. I think I am mentally tired. But, I am still going to stay strong for people who really care so much for me all this while. I really love you people!

I seriously can’t bring myself to respect people (boss or even leader) who actually talk behind their staff/members back. Seriously, if you are unhappy with any area, shouldn’t you voice it out instead of expecting your staff/member know about it? This benefits both you and I because none of us is perfect so there is always rooms for improvement. It is totally disgusting that you talk behind your staff/members back and pretend everything is okay. You are a disgrace to our society and show that you have poor leadership quality!

Of course, there is still something positive about today. Like, I interviewed a very attractive looking guy with big eyes, acceptable built and height. The sight of him made me smile uncontrollably but he did not give me the effect which Nat Ho had on me. =p I hope that he will get the position I am trying him for so I can see him again. Oh. In the midst of the interview while my manager was telling him the job scope, I suddenly remembered what Cedrick told me about my perfect match. He told me that I should look out for guys whose birth day falls on the 8th (best match), 17th or 26th. So, I quickly peered at his birth date and smiled because it falls on the 17th. Ha ha ha. I smiled uncontrollably again and quickly stopped as I remembered that he was sitting right in front of me. I am very sure that he caught me smiling. =/ My manager always thinks that I work to look at guys because I will make every little comments about my or even my colleague's male candidates. =p

Morning entry

2009-09-09T08:01:00.002+08:00

Morning entry

I had a good chat with Cedrick last night. Perhaps, like what he said, I should go out and enjoy myself and face the reality. Sigh. Luck is never on my side. I like my sunday job so I am reluctant to let go now. My tutee likes me so I will feel guilty to let go. Tell me, which is better, being hard-hearted or soft-hearted? I have been avoiding what I am supposed to face by making myself busy. I think it is hard to let go until I am being heard by you. Is it so hard to listen to what I have to say?

This reminds me of what happened when I was ten years old. My 2nd uncle (my dad's second eldest brother) was on his deathbed and my granny was at his side. My granny told him to sleep with ease because we would look after his family and she used her palm to close his eyes. I guess those were the words which he wanted to hear before going off peacefully.

For me, I just want to be heard. It has been a month and I am still holding onto it as strong as ever. No, I can't face it until you hear me out and until we have a chat.

A better day

2009-09-08T20:04:00.001+08:00

A better day

Well, I got into my office with the usual “just another work day” mood. I think I really enjoy talking to the two intern students and one of them is sitting right in front of me. They will be leaving in about five weeks’ time. I have a feeling that I will feel sad about it. =/ Another usual event will be the bickering between my manager and I which cause my colleagues to laugh at us. Sometimes, my manager will even laugh to tears. You can see what a clown I am. Either I am being too muddle-headed, the things I say or the way I laugh that cause all the laughter in the first level. I think I am born to make others laugh. o.O It must be due to my child-like character. I am still young at heart! =D

Ever since that matter, I just have the urge to write down my thoughts whenever I can even when I just wake up from my sleep. There must always be a start if I really want to open myself up. Sometimes, when I read through my blogs, I feel that what I wrote differs from how I usually behave. Yes, I cry easily but I feel quite uneasy to cry in front of people. Did I say that I will not cry in front of anyone unless I am really, really down or upset?

Anyway, my work day ended well even though I had to do half an hour of OT to finish up my work and wait for my manager to finish her work.

Oh ya. I just received an invitation to Cedrick and Meryl’s 21st birthday celebration. They actually customized the card. So sweet of them! I have a feeling that Meryl wrote the details and Cedrick added in the funny parts. It seems like everyone is holding a big 21st birthday celebration. But, I still think that a quiet birthday celebration is more ideal for me due to many reasons. Reasons like, may not have the time for the planning, really doubt that my family will turn up and may not have the time to talk to all my friends and everyone belongs to different clique so it will be a little awkward for some. I seriously do not mind meeting new people but I don’t really fancy big group gathering.

GOOD NEWS! My dad allows me to stay overnight on their birthday. I am so happy because it is my first time doing it openly. ^^ You guys are so honoured! Guess what I said? I said, “I am still young. So, do you really expect me to do all these when I turn 31 or 41?” Ha. As usual, he will always add on, “Must love yourself” Meaning, not to have sex with anyone. o.o I won’t! My policy is to give my first time to the love of my life. Eh. Don’t laugh at me. I am really serious about it. =/

Oh ya. A colleague wanted to buy condoms for the Chinese custom wedding to make the “brothers” do silly action. Ha. I got really excited over “condoms” because I have not really seen or touch it before. The only memory I have is during Secondary 2, the boy sitting next to me actually brought condoms to school. I only knew about it after he got a scolding from my teacher and I only got a glance at it for a few seconds. Perhaps, my friends are really innocent or they feel that they will scare me off by having any indecent conversation with me. Anyway, some tried and they could see that I am not comfortable with it. See, I am so pure and innocent, how would I have sex with people? Okay, perhaps I may due to my soft-heartedness. But, touch wood. I can’t give in due to this. No way man.

Somehow, I am still feeling the emptiness. I am a very stubborn individual (a better word will be, determined) so if I don't do what I want or plan to do, I will not give up until I get it done. Yes, I am not totally okay. Like what Alex said, it will be so unlike me if I get over it so quickly. True.

Moody Monday

2009-09-08T08:06:00.001+08:00

Moody Monday

Yesterday was a hell day for me. I was extremely moody for the whole day and practically dragging myself to all the places. There were a few reasons that caused my moodiness. The one that caused me to nearly break down is what took place in the office. Basically, I got all the blames and being told off for something which I did but not decided by me and when I was not the only person doing that. In a simpler term, I was just following instructions, maybe blindly. At that moment, I nearly wanted to run out of the office to cry but I thought that it would cause too much attention from the other colleagues so I had to remain where I was. I could only sit there and swallow all my tears. I can’t give up. I need to stay strong for the next 10 months. I have been through something much worse than this so this should be nothing to me.

Many things are left unsaid and I am praying hard everyday for a miracle to happen. Like, what if I suddenly left this world? No, I am not being pessimistic because there were relatives and friends who suddenly left me, as in dead. You really have to go through this to know how much shock it brought to me. I was left in a shock state for at least a week for each death. For one particular death, I had nightmare everyday for at least a week. I guess I have to make a point to share something with some people.

My 2nd greatest fear is people I know, love or care leaving me forever, be it from this Mother earth or my life. I guess I would do anything to make everything back to normal again. I know this is silly but it is really painful to experience it.

I had a dream last night. In that dream, everything was back to normal and I was really glad and happy. When awoken from that dream, reality struck in and brought heartache to me.

He is only 25? (EDITTED)

2009-09-06T06:52:00.009+08:00

He is only 25?(EDITTED)

I just realised that Nat Ho is only 25! I still cannot forget the fact that he is the first guy who made me scream out loud when I first saw him at my school! I thought that he was really very handsome and cool looking. No, I believe that he is still very attractive! But, according to the horoscope, aquarius and virgo do not compliment each other so I can only admire him. Oh no! What am I talking about? Anyway, to be safe, I will never date men of certain horoscopes. By the age of 13, I have already known which sign I should date and which sign is a no-no to me. = p I KNOW that I should not rely on it but this is a way to protect myself by preventing less possibility of breaking up with the other half. Good enough reasoning? =D

10:07AM:

As my colleague whom I met up with this morning stays at the extreme North area so I made my way down to Serangoon MRT this morning to take taxi to the Hougang MRT to fetch her to the call center. When I was about to reach there, she said that she would only reach Hougang MRT at 8.15am. Therefore, I decided to miss a few cabs as it should take only 5minutes to reach Hougang MRT from Serangoon MRT. So, I board one at about 8.08 am. and he agreed to fetch me to two places. GOSH. Little did I know that he actually did not know his way so he took slightly more than 10minutes to Hougang MRT. It was quite worrying as we must reach our work place at 8.30am! My supervisor would slaughter us alive if we were late. The journey to our workplace gave us several heart attacks too because he did not know his way. SIGH. In the end, we reached there at about 8.32am and I saw my manager's car. O.O I thought that we were going to get it. But, to our surprise, the first thing she said to me was, "Hey! Chu Er! Long time no see!" - FYI, she usually doesn't come on weekend. A second later, she asked, "Did you come yesterday?" I said, "Yes, I did. Everything is so confusing now!"

I thought that working with a group of aunties will be very bad as older people tend to be very stubborn but it turns out that they are very helpful and friendly! Don't think that they are old
so they don't know anything. The fact is, when you tell them a location, they can quickly tell you which driver to assign to. I am very much impressed by how they speak to the customers. What we are better at is definitely our PC skill. Oh. Mr. boss is sitting right beside me now. And, I opened too many windows that he wants me to close them. =( So, I closed some and opened them as new tags. = p I am very rebellious, right? I think I am always so fated to sit beside "big" people. Did I say that I have to sit beside my manager for my full-time job as she wants to train me? I wish to tell her that she is wasting her time because I will leave by next june. =/ Never mind! I will learn as much as I can as it will benefit my future. I have too much to improve on.

11:00pm:

I had a great time working with my colleagues even though we had to answer an average of 3calls at every minute. =) Some drivers were really crude. I got scolded by one of them until I was really so dumbfounded. He used very harsh words like, “All of you are so useless”, “All of you are so slow” or “Aiyo..You are so blur until…” Trust me that he was practically shouting at me over the phone when I did not do anything wrong. All I could say was, “Ahh..”, “Erm..”, “I am sorry..” or “We have really tried our best” Well, my aunty colleague told us to ignore them because some of them are just like this.

I ask myself why I should go through this agony. My answer is, to make myself stronger and ignore negative comments about me. But, it is hard especially when these words come from your loved ones or people you care about. Sigh. Anyway, I will never see that driver whom I like most. Before I left, he actually looked for me and disturbed me for one last time before he drove off. Ha. He loved to call me "Ben Dan No. 1" because I am really quite muddle-headed. I actually felt like crying when he drove off. =/
He was really very nice because he had never scolded me for making any mistake but just joked about it. =) This world needs more people like him.

I finally changed my blog song and I like its lyrics a lot.

Just for you.

Sunny Saturday!

2009-09-05T08:12:00.004+08:00

Sunny Saturday! (EDITTED!)

Somehow, I was/am so glad that yesterday’s tuition was cancelled as the tutee had a family dinner. Although she is cute and pretty, she is a monster to me. You have to teach her to know it. I certainly do not mind having less income if it means that I have to drag myself to her house on every Mon, Wed and Fri night. I am praying hard that her parents will tell me to stop teaching any of the subjects so it will become two nights per week instead. It will also mean that I will have more time! Okay, not significantly much but still mean something to me!

Anyway, I went for something which I knew what my decision was going to be and it became clearer when I reached my destination. I had not felt so nervous and uneasy for a long time. However, I think that I was brave enough to reject it. I cannot imagine having to go through that uneasiness if I were to say, “Yes”.

As time worn on, I am starting to worry who to trust in that ‘place’. Yes, I am always a joker in that 'place' by making everyone laugh like mad everyday but I am keeping watchful eyes on some. Okay, perhaps some will start to tell me, “Don’t be so sensitive” or “Don’t think so much”. Well, I feel alone in that place. But again, it is nothing compared to a year ago which I was so frightened and tearful every single day for a year. It was certainly an experience but I seriously hope and pray that it will never happen in my life ever again because it was a really bad nightmare.

I miss school so muchhhhhhhh! I really can’t wait for next year to come. Perhaps, when exams are nearing, I would start to complain that it is better to work. I have been working since last week of March so it certainly helps me to change the perspective of working and studying. For working, you must perform your best everyday for everyone to see. For studying, it is your own business. The worse you score, the happier some people are. Get what I mean? Ha!

(ADDED)
As usual, I chose my favourite window seat on the bus and I was sitting behind this old man. Not that he was handsome but rather he was making weird noises and movements that attracted my attention. More than half way through my journey, I saw him digging his nose. The worse is, he placed his nose dirt at the side. Oh my God! I felt so uneasy and disgusted at that moment that I immediately changed to another seat. EEK! Even at a distance, I still could see two pieces of nose dirt there!

After work, I went home to have a quick lunch and slept for 50minutes. After which, I went to the call center to work for four hours as I agreed to help my supervisor just for this Saturday. Oh God. It was hell. I had to pick up calls at every minute! As it was considered my first day of work after the merger of the two companies so I kept making mistakes. o.o Now, I have to adjust myself to this busy call center life when it was so slack in the past. =/ Well, I think it is a good learning experience for me. Another hell day for me tomorrow! Oh ya. I think my supervisor was bravo because she really has her way of dealing with rude drivers. Those drivers are rude and crude because they will use vulgarity to scold us. =( I will be very angry if any one does that to me and I will get pissed off quite quickly. Shouldn’t they treat us with respect too when we are all colleagues even though we do not work together? They are worse than our own drivers! Another driver is leaving our company. I will miss him because he is really a nice guy!

Peace

2009-09-02T08:08:00.002+08:00

Peace

I just read my private blog and realized that I have been quite upset for the past one year. (FYI, I usually only post sad entries in my private blog.) Somehow, I wonder why I never put my words into action and cause myself in such a miserable state. Somehow, I am really thankful and touched that I am not forgotten by friends (even unexpected friends) who show concerns to me and willing to spend some of their precious time telling me that it is not worth it over that *. Perhaps, I was too upset to see it but now, I do. Now, I am no longer tearful but angry, disappointed and glad. I have found peace in myself. I am going to move on for real, i.e. to put my words into action this time. I am not going to be a puppet whose life is being manipulated by you and not going to be soft again. If I do, I seriously don’t see who is sillier than I am. I mark my words! Stop thinking so highly of yourself!

Fun Saturday!

2009-08-30T11:50:00.002+08:00

Fun Saturday!

You Scored as Sociology
You should be a Sociology major!

Sociology 75%
Anthropology 67%
Journalism 67%
Engineering 67%
Psychology 58%
Linguistics 58%
Biology 58%
Art 58%
Dance 50%
Philosophy 50%
Chemistry 50%
Mathematics 50%
Theater 50%
English 42%

Yea yea. This is the result of a quiz I took. I think this is quite accurate because it has been my interest all this while but I just do not have fate to study it. However, somehow, I am quite glad that I am not enrolled into the school after hearing stories from students of that school. With my personality, I will be very miserable and scared for four years if people around me are hypocrite and unkind. I think I may study Social Work next year but I am still trying to do more research to ensure that it is what I want to go for.

Guess what? Last night, I was stuck on my house toilet bowl for about 20 minutes because my feces couldn’t come out. (HA HA HA. I know it sounds gosh!) I swear that I rarely eat fried food. Recently, because of that incident, my appetite has become very poor. On the average, I only have 1.5 meals per day. In the morning, I have to force all the food down which takes much longer for me to eat than usual. Now, I hardly eat during lunch time especially when I don’t pack any food for work. So, I will have to force myself to eat in the late afternoon otherwise I will not eat anything too. Sigh. Pretty bad, eh? I guess it just shows how much this matter has affected me. =( Even my stomach is emo-ing. =/ I think the worse is, I am forced to accept the truth without being able to fight for myself at all. I am not too sure but I think that my mood has become better because I have not shed a single drop of tear for 2 consecutive days already.

A big thank to people who send me long messages and constantly encouraging me. Either I have finally been enlightened or part of me still strongly believes that this is not the end yet. Ah. Chu Er is a fool!

Oh yea. Yesterday was an enjoyable day for me. It was the last day for one of my colleagues and two more intern students would be joining us, therefore, there were a lot of shifting and clearance of waste papers to be done = no need to search for candidates. =D I would be shifting next to my manager from tomorrow onwards. =( In another word, my boss and her will be able to see whatever I am doing on my desktop. I will miss my old desk dearly because I was still able to secretly do my private stuff. =/ After which, I went home for an hour of nap and went to Pasir Ris to meet Kenneth and his friend (I am sorry! I seriously can’t recall his name at all) for an event called Defining Moments.

I loved the speaker because he could make us laugh at almost every minute. I really laughed at what he said, unlike the time when I was watching Monsters VS Aliens. =/

Hey, I am still trying to weigh the importance between relationship (Kinship, friendship and boy-girl relationship) and career (and wealth). Well, I will still insist that relationship is very important to me even though what I usually do contradicts my value in life. I seriously hope to step out of poverty. Not that I am extremely poor but there is a need for me to earn my school fees, everyday expenses and bills. Anyway, I promise myself that I will play hard on weekend, meaning I will go out on my off days and whenever I am free no matter what time I have to work on the next day. I am beginning to think and convince myself that I will not go poor if I don’t work. My mentality is, I will be broke if I don’t work whenever I can. Being independent is not a nice feeling at times (no matter how much people admire you for how strong or how good you are) because it is still better to be loved. I really hope that one day I can spend on what I want because it is so tiring to save and save and save and work and work and work.

I am still hoping that I can be a blissful housewife in the near future for, I am so sick and tired of working and hope to set up a happy little family with the love of my life. Does it sound unpractical? Wait, I seriously am not referring to now because I am certainly not prepared to settle down in life yet. I aim to give birth to my first child at the age of 30 or 31, that is, if I ever have a boyfriend. Ha ha.

Many things are just not within your control.

Stronger than yesterday

2009-08-27T12:22:00.005+08:00

Stronger than yesterday

Whether it is the power of friendship - concerns shown by my dearest friends, strong-willed Chu Er or whatsoever reason, I just want to say that I am still staying strong. I will pick myself up because I hate to feel sad for, my tears will flow down uncontrollably. In certain part of this very blog of mine, I mentioned that I can cry anywhere (bus, MRT, work, etc.)- without people knowing at times. Ha. I am an expert at crying, seriously. The pain has subsided for a bit or has it gone numb? Whatever it is, it is still a good sign, isn't it? For now, I just have to keep myself busy. Oh yea. Last night, I finally had 6hours of sleep. I would not say that it is 6 solid hours because I was only 3/4 asleep most of the times but it is still good enough compared to last few days!

I am still praying...for a good change because I don't feel like giving up as of yet.

Praying for a miracle

2009-08-27T06:26:00.001+08:00

Praying for a miracle

I know how determined you are this time and that it is for our own good so that we would not be even more hurt in the future. You know, I really don't care how silly I am, but I am still praying hard, very hard for miracle even though it may be one-sided - which I hope not. I really don't want to care how people think of me. It is too tiring.

It all started with "Excuse me!" that brought us together...

Do you remember?

Yet another regret

2009-08-24T22:20:00.003+08:00

Yet another regret

I want to declare that I have been feeling very down for the past 2 weeks. I am having many sleepless nights. I really cannot stop thinking because it just hurts too much. No. I am not blaming anyone but myself. Maybe I deserve this ending but no, I am not giving up yet. I will wait for 2 years. You may think that it is impossible but I don't believe so. I will be strong. I will try my hardest to hold my tears back. I know that I screw it up once again but I am just so clumsy. Saying "Sorry" does not seem to fit the situation anymore because I think I used up the magic of it. Someone said when the time comes, it will make everything more rocky. But, from my knowledge, "it" is supposed to conquer all the difficulties, isn't it?

These 2 weeks make what I am doing now even more dreadful because I am not enjoying it anymore and I am not feeling too well. Another 10 months to go. =( One word to describe life now, bad. I am seriously thinking of letting go one of my committments so that I can have more free time with loved ones and for rest. Maybe I am using it to escape something but sometimes, it is really too hard on myself. My life is full of contradiction. Never to learn from me.

Chu Er, Press on!

Never learn?

2009-08-09T19:17:00.003+08:00

Never learn?

Last evening, I shared a cup of green tea latte and a slice of cupucino chessecake with sis and I ended up having difficulty to sleep again. o.o I only managed to sleep at 4a.m. with the company of the 5th series of Harry Potter book. The worst of all, I had to wake up at 6a.m. for work. I am seriously counting down to end of work. =/

Inner Thoughts

2009-08-04T21:13:00.002+08:00

Inner Thoughts

Last Saturday, two colleagues and I were happily chatting – near the end of our work, we were not slacking! I was telling one of them – she is not that old but just old enough to be my mum – that I prefer living in the 60s because people in that generation were so romantic. Okay, perhaps, just way before my generation.

WHY?

People used to write love letters – To be frank, I have never received one. People usually do it through MSN, SMS, phone or email. o.o Only a handful of them do it in person but still not that romantic.

Usually, the first lover will be with you for the rest of your life – how sweet!

People used to be very devoted. Now, people change lovers like they change clothes – How sad!

Usually, guys would stand up for the girls if they were being bullied but now… =/

No matter what difficulty, the couple would go through it together. But now, people break up due to minor problem and not able to bear with little obstacles - How disappointing!

Anyway, I am getting disappointed with this society. After doing this job, I realized how racist the society can be. But again, people usually have some reasons for making certain decision.

Gathering with dearest HCAs

2009-07-16T18:02:00.010+08:00

Gathering with dearest HCAs

There was a gathering last evening - went to submit our timesheet and meet up with the rest at Clementi Station. About 22 of us were there. The guys at my table were crazy because they took a lot of sashimi to eat until we got sick of it. =/ As usual, Malek was the joker at our table. Oh. Two of them stole my chocolate cakes.

Incident 1: When I sat down, I realised that one of my cakes was gone so I said,"Oh no. I dropped my chocolate cake while walking here." One of them pointed out, "If you really dropped your cake, you would have seen some stains at the side of your plate." Being convinced by that, I nodded my head and wondered. In the end, it was that tall guy who stole my cake when I walked past him. o.o

Incident 2: I went to take some cakes again and left it on my table and happily munched other food. That tall guy (sitting next to me) asked, "Don't you want to have your dessert?" I looked at my table and told him later and looked again as I realised that my cakes were gone again. o.o So, I started to ask around and that tall guy directed me to the direction of that ~~short~~cute guy. Know what? He was holding my plate and eating my cakes! =( He even complained that my cakes were too sweet for him and returned that plate to me. o.o

After which, the whole lot of us walked to west coast park for a stroll. We chatted and had fun among ourselves. We parted from there. There was a sad tingling feeling found within me. I am not sure when we will meet up again. Maybe never.

Luckily there was another colleague who lives two blocks away from me so we took the same bus home and had a chat. Then, I realised a lot of things - both nice and not so nice ones. =/

Can you find me? =p

Trust is not given by default but to be gained over time.

Capricious Chu Er

2009-07-13T02:15:00.015+08:00

Capricious Chu Er

This is my second draft since my last update. Someone (cute and handsome as what he claimed to be =x) suddenly came up to me and demanded me to update my blog. Ha.

I had nice chats with some friends on MSN till 4a.m.before heading to slumber. Suddenly; I was awoken by some knocks on my door. Roar. It was either Dad or Mum. Yeah. It was quite obvious because they were the only ones at home. o.o I was a little pissed off because that person did not say anything after I said a few times of “Sui? Sui?” – (Sui = Who) So, I had to stand up and walk to my door to open it. o.o It was dad. He said, sis called and said that I was supposed to meet her at 2p.m. O.O I was so shocked as it was already 12p.m. at that time and I thought sis told me to meet her at 4p.m. =/ I quickly called her and got the details. I washed up, ate my brunch (noodles) and played my game on Facebook again.

It can be as difficult to attract my attention. When something happened and I am being confronted by the involved party, I realised that I am not aware of the detail at all. However, from the tone and expression of the other party, I knew that he/she did not lie, that is, I was being informed.

Lesson learnt: Never take my reaction or response as the final answer because I may not be even listening to what you told me. Remind or ask me again even at the expense of being told off by me as a Nag! =D

Sis had to go to her school for a checkup so I volunteered to accompany her there. Hee. This is Evidence number one that I am a good sis. =D It was not exactly nice to travel there because of its long journey. =/

After which, we headed to Jurong Point to walk around. Sis and I walked into The Faceshop and I bought a bottle of glittering nail polish. ^^ I am not sure why but I just felt like having something nice to pamper my tongue so I suggested us to go to Starbucks for a drink (Caramel Coffee jelly) and snack (Ooze Lava). I paid $10 and sis paid the outstanding. This is Evidence number two that I am a good sis. =D I hardly treat people to food or drink so it is evident that I am good. = p We read our books, magazines (taken from the shelf) and chatted a bit. For your information, the Ooze Lava was a disappointment. Anyway, I told sis that a colleague looks handsome when he wears a mask because of his big eyes. However, he looks different without a mask. = p (Okay, I look better with a mask covering my whole face=x)

Speaking of the evil, he appeared right before my eyes on the MRT platform. O.O Gosh.

Everything is over without a warning. Should I be glad especially after all the complaints I had about the job over the last few weeks or sad that I may never see most of my colleagues who spent many hours fighting against the hours with me?

In any way, I learnt something from all of them and am glad that I met them. It is a transition of my life that would definitely contribute a significant amount to help me to be a more successful person and be stronger to fight for and achieve my goals in life. Not the transition but rather, the clearer picture of what I want to achieve in life.

It is still hard for me to ignore what some say about me especially about something that I am not but I will still try to be nonchalant.

Something funny

2009-06-29T22:19:00.002+08:00

Something funny

I took my toothbrush in an attempt to brush my teeth. Then, I realised that it has turned a little yellow (Opps~ Didn't I tell you that I am a sentimental person? = p) so I threw it into the trashbin at the side of the sink. After which, I happily went to the storeroom to search for one. To my horror, I could not find any! O.O So, I quickly asked mum and she convinced me that I should be able to find one. After a few seconds, she came in and helped me to look for it. But...it was to no avail. =( Yea. Sis scolded me for being dumb for throwing my toothbrush without checking it. Well, I said someone in my family is bound to embarrass me. =/

Shh...I have no toothbrush for tonight and tomorrow morning so I have to rinse my mouth using the mouthwash. Luckily, I must wear mask for my work otherwise I would try not to talk. Hee. Good night!

Something positive

2009-06-21T09:54:00.008+08:00

Something positive

A job that has illogical, ridiculous and endless of rules. I really dislike how we are being treated. We are human beings, for goodness sake. Why can't you treat us with kindess, respect and understanding? Why do you even exist in the first place? You are a disgrace to our human race! Perhaps, it is your forte to threaten people and I really dislike to be threatened for, you will lose the trust I have in you. Yes, it makes us listen to you but we do not respect you at all. Roar! (I didn't intend to type this out but as I think of it, all my thoughts just flow out very smoothly. I will bear with this for, I am Lim Chu Er!)

During work, I saw my relatives and was quite happy about it because I only see them once a year. =/ All of them looked glad to see me too including the kids. =D At that moment, I felt safe. I really wanted to go home so much yesterday. All I could tell myelf is to stay strong and control my temper. Yesterday I was seriously very pissed off that I tear. I guess this is due to lack of rest. You know, I usually have problems falling asleep and because of this job, I fall asleep within 10 minutes or less. =/

Last week, I met up with Marzuk after work. He was supposed to fetch me at Boon Lay Interchange and in the end he was late (as usual = p) so he changed the meeting venue to Jurong East Interchange. We went to Bukit Batok to have our supper - roti prata. Wee~ I had a cheese and mushroom prata and a ko-song (a plain prata). I think they were rather nice especially the cheese and mushroom one. We had a nice chat especially on our lives and mentoring. Anyway, we only managed to meet up after several months because I am always so busy.

Well, if I had a choice, I would not want to work this hard too.

Which rich guy wants to marry Chu Er and gives her happiness? I am never lucky in this. =(

IF given two choices; a guy who is poor but loves you and a guy who is rich but does not not love you, who will you choose?

I have made up my mind to choose the two of them. I believe that the rich guy would give me a handsome sum of allowance and I could save it up. As such, I would get richer and look for the poor guy with that sum of money. Ha. Just kidding! Actually, it is not that important for the guy to be rich as it is more important for that guy to truly love me, care for me and be understanding.

Last night, as I was on my way home with my colleagues on the MRT, I started to tease and laugh at my colleagues. I was really laughing out loud. I kept laughing until the passengers beside my colleagues got influenced by my laughter and started laughing as well. HAHAHA. Laughing is a good form of exercise! =D Something positive, eh? = p

Oh ya. One of my jobs can get very boring so we would try to keep each other awake by telling stories. I tried telling a serious one and two ghost stories and all of them became jokes. Laugh out loud. Roar. Ha ha.

Live it

2009-06-16T23:34:00.003+08:00

Live it

It has been quite awhile since my last serious update. Anyway, a colleague shared a story – story of her best friend - with us today. The moral of the story is to tell us to live our life to the fullest. The story was rather touching. Anyway, her best friend passed away quite some time back.

Ah. Life. To be frank, I have not been living to the fullest because at almost every single minute, I would be worrying about something or asking myself why life has not been fair to me.

Should I live and meet others’ expectations of me or be myself?

Many expect me to be a cheerful and happy-go-lucky person.

In reality, I am far from it.

I guess it is partly due to the expectations of others that I am used to hiding my feelings so that I would not disappoint them. Of course, there are some other reasons why I am reluctant to share.

Perhaps, smiling my way through can make me live longer.

Sometimes, I really lose my way, not knowing why I live. I feel that the reason why I live is to go through the life of what most people do which is very meaningless. I really need to look for a purpose and work towards it. I do have a goal in mind but the goal exists just for the sake of existing. Tell me, when can I gain my freedom and rights?

I know that my entry is still not something cheerful but just make do with it.

Have you thought of giving up your life to someone who treasures, deserves and appreciates it more than you do? I do. The sad thing about life is, you own it but it is not under your control.

Decision making

2009-06-08T00:55:00.002+08:00

Decision making

I took two such modules in my formal education but it does not seem to help because I still have a hard time making decision. Are there too many alternatives for me or am I not weighing the possibilities rightly?

Know what? If I were rich, I might employ three secretaries to help me make decision.
One is not enough as he might not have enough reasons to convince me.
Two are risky as there is a possibility that they do not agree with each other and it is not the way I want it to turn out. I mean I employ them to make decision for me.
Three are just nice as at least two people will agree with each other which make things easier.

A friend actually pointed out that if I were rich, I would just buy a degree which I did not agree with. Well, he was right in a way. At this point in time, I am far from rich so it is rather hard for me to imagine. According to my principle, I want to feel proud that I earn it by my own efforts and hard work because it hurts like nobody’s business when people look down on you – ah. I am supposed to ignore these people.

I hope to be rich for once so that making decision may be much easier for me.

How nice it is if everyone can be friends with each other. For some, you can just magically talk to him/her without any difficulty. For some, the same magic does not seem to work again. How sad.

Finally an entry that is not so depressing?

Negativity

2009-06-03T00:06:00.004+08:00

Negativity

I write better when I do not feel that good – hey, not what people say, having PMS. On Monday, I was extremely pissed off by something that I cried at my workplace – without anyone knowing. I know it sounds silly that I cried but I seriously felt very helpless as I had/have no access to the internet to do my stuff. Well, I willed myself to stop as I did not want anyone to think that it would affect my work – this is a common assumption when you do not know someone well. Anyway, I bore with it till my way home. When my colleagues left, I closed my eyes and cried a little and decided to text Alex – my best friend, my confide mate – he is one of the few who really understands me and always has a way to make me feel better.

I am losing all my confidence again – I am ugly, a boring person with nothing to talk about and only knows how to irritate people with my thunderous laughter. Don’t worry, I know where to hide myself. I know I should take a break but I really cannot afford to.

My current feelings: confused, worried, scared, disappointed – yes, all the negative ones. I feel that I am like a volcano that is about to erupt soon. Ha ha.

I want to be heard but not to be hurt.

Outing and random thoughts

2009-05-29T00:56:00.006+08:00

Outing and random thoughts

*Dusting off cobwebs*

Recently, there is very limited optimistic blood flowing through me. Well, at least my work has drained most of my energy off like nobody’s business which makes it impossible for me to break down. Yep. I did cry a bit for the past few days – I really mean a bit because it was only a few droplets.

My hp is down again! Roar~ So, in the meanwhile, I will be using my old phone. While waiting for a friend, I browsed through the photos – most were taken when I was still a ~~cute little~~ secondary school girl. I realized that I have really grown up – in terms of looks. The other time, a friend said that he remembered me as a little girl when I first entered poly and now, I have grown quite a bit.

I think it is quite self-explanatory by the name of my blog because I did not really find the show “Aliens VS Monsters” (or, “Monsters VS Aliens”) funny when most people and my friends laughed during the show. I tried to laugh with them. Ha. Erm. Wait. I think some parts were funny but I was too tired to feel that they were funny. Acceptable?

After which, we went to Astons for our dinner. I ordered Sirloin steak – medium rare. Seriously, I am really bad at eating all this because I often have problem cutting the meat. =/ Anyway, I think it was rather nice and the price was quite reasonable.

Our next stop was Esplanade. I think we went there to look at the buildings and sea and disturb each other. There were quite a number of couples which made me feel uneasy. Ha. Frankly speaking, my legs were rather tired after the long walk from the Cathay. I wanted to sit down but everyone stood up so I bore with it. =/

The last stop was a dessert shop at Bugis area – yes, another long walk. The aloe vera with lime and honey was very good and refreshing. I liked it a lot! =D

Anyway, those friends are my colleagues. Half of them would be leaving soon which I am not too sure if we still have the time to keep in touch. I will miss you guys and really nice meeting all of you. ^^

Well, it is really hard for me to be optimistic when I do not really see a lot of positivity in life. No matter rain or shine, Chu Er will still smile and laugh like nobody’s business because it is her forte. I know that it seems like I have disappeared from the Earth but I have not. From what I see, this will remain for at least 2 more months. Fret not, Chu Er will not forget her friends. Thank you people, you have been very understanding and supportive especially at this period of time.

Hey, tell me if there is a limit to give in because I am...

Work, work, work!

2009-05-11T12:43:00.004+08:00

Work, work, work!

Hoho. Chu Er is back! I accepted an assignment on the 6th of May and started work on the following day at 8am at Tuas Checkpoint to be a health screener.

We can be stationed at either the bus arrival point, arrival hall or cargo arrival point. Seriously, for the past four days, I learnt a lot – the work responsibility of the ICA, our work responsibility, the types of people who will arrive at the bus arrival point and types of goods arrived at the cargo area. I love to be stationed at the cargo arrival point the most. I will do it at least once a day. = p Oh ya. I am starting to learn basic Malay or else I will have difficulty communicating with most drivers or deliverymen as they do not even understand basic English.

This job really trains my willpower and determination especially in the morning when I have to wake up at 5.35 a.m. for work and reach home at about 10.30p.m. It has been like this for the past four days. It was real tough in the beginning but I got it to it already. I really love the bunch of friends I made because we could really talk about anything and laugh at it. A few of them are quitting so I secretly feel sad about it.

Well, if you know me personally, you will know that friends and companion are always very important to me. Sometimes, they indirectly give me the strength to move on.

Although I have been really busy working that I cannot have the free time to do anything that I want, I secretly like it too. I would say that most of the times I do not really have the time and energy to think of anything which is a good thing. I need this willpower and determination to make a change in my life.

I always wish and want to trust you but…

Sunny!

2009-05-03T13:49:00.003+08:00

Sunny!

Last night, I wanted to blog when I reached home. However, the moment I started using the computer, I felt rather weak as though I could collapse at any time. Ha. This shows how tired I was. This is the aftereffect of not sleeping well and working too hard. =/

Yesterday, my colleague and I felt that what our supervisor said was rather funny. She told us never to take a lift from any of our drivers because no men are good creature. They always have a knife on their head (in mandarin) – in my opinion, it means that they are meant to hurt girls. o.O Well, she must have hurt by enough guys to make this comment.

Perhaps, one day, I may even say the same thing like her. Possible? Rather not. If you know me well enough, most of my friends or rather close friends are male. Suit you if you think that it makes me a flirt. Ha. As I grow up, I realize that reality is usually different from the show or movie we watch and books we read – the ugly truth of life. Hey, I often imagine myself as the main character who receives lots of love from the love of her life – like receiving flowers on every date, dating at a nice and romantic place and talking about anything under the moon/sun/stars. To be frank, I never really fancy any flower. If you ask me to name one, I would still say it is sunflower because I will magically get cheered up when I see it. =D Ah. I will never forget the time when I received a stalk of sunflower from a friend who visited me at my workplace. He gave that to me when he knew that I like sunflower. I have not told or really showed him how I felt, but I was really, really very touched by that that I nearly tear – I always have my way of hiding it and it is really hard to touch me to tears. Well, I seriously still think that it was a way to cheer a friend up and he really made my day. I was still smiling to myself when I made my way home. (I know that you will read this. I always thought that the love of your life will be very blissful to have such a sweet and thoughtful boyfriend like you who knows how to cheer someone up.^-^ )

For the whole of yesterday at work (8am to 8pm), I played a game called Restaurant City at Facebook. All thanks to my colleague who excitedly introduced it to me the moment we reached the office. o.o I got so addicted to that game. Later on, I told sis to play that and she got addicted to it too. = p

I excitedly looked forward to the end of my work because…I would be meeting the mentoring peeps (Cedrick, Yong Xin (YX), Zhan Hui (ZH) and Andrew Ho) for a dinner. We dined in at Mantanhann Fish Market. I liked the mushroom most. Ha. As usual, I laughed like mad at what they said. Erm. YX and I seriously can be good friends because ZH said the expression we had is the same when it comes to gossiping. =/ I shall take it as a compliment. Hohoho.

Yeah. Mentoring outing is coming soonnnnnnnn! =D To be frank, I have a feeling that I would break my promise due to my work. Opps~

If only everyday can be this fun!

A pig-soon-to-be

2009-05-01T19:03:00.005+08:00

A pig-soon-to-be

I really ate a lot today!

In the morning (at about 6 a.m.), I had a plate of rice and 2 side dish (Cabbage and egg).

While working (at about 8:30 a.m.), I started eating my croissant which I bought last night.

For lunch (at about 12:45 p.m.), I had rice and 3 side dish (Cabbage, egg and 3 prawns) that I brought to work - never fail to ask dad to cook more food for dinner the day before so that I could bring to work when I have to work from 8a.m. to 8p.m. in the following day= p After that, I saw Haggen Dazs Rum & Rasin ice-cream (being tempted for the Nth time but never dared to open) - it was finally opened so I ate a scoop of it. Then, I saw the big bar of rum & rasin chocolate and got tempted so I gave myself an unofficial permission to open it. Yum~

At about 3:30p.m., I started munching my cheesecake which I bought yesterday. Seriously, it was the worst cheesecake I ever had for its lack of cheese taste and cheese and the cake was not soft enough. The best one is still the one sold at Fish & Co. =/

At about 6:30p.m., I had cup noodles for dinner.

For the whole of today, I had about 2 cups of ribena.

I kept eating and eating and eating. =D

Do you know what is the number one thing I want to do now? SLEEP! I am seriously tired because I only had about 3 hours of sleep for 12hours of work. o.o

Oink~

Would you

2009-04-29T19:52:00.001+08:00

Would you

If one day she is down, would you ever bring a stalk of sunflower for her to cheer her up?
If one day no one believes her, would you ever stand by her till the end of the world?
If one day she is happy, would you ever laugh with her till you are breathless?
If one day she smiles at you, would you ever smile at her too?
If one day she needs company from you, would you ever stop what you are doing and be her companion?
If one day she is having fun, would you join her to have fun too?

Will my prayers be heard again?

Extreme makeover?

2009-04-27T13:11:00.001+08:00

Extreme makeover?

Nono. I am just thinking of doing it. Seriously, whenever I look at myself into the mirror, I cannot stop telling myself that I am ugly. I was being told that I should not that do that to myself so I started telling myself, “I am pretty. I am pretty.” I stopped after saying three times because it is so difficult to lie to myself. Laugh out loud.

I do not like my face. I do not like how I dress up. I do not like my hair. =( But, money is always the issue so how am I going to dress myself up? Urgh! But, I am not that stingy when it comes to my loved ones – like my sis and certain friends (I think sis will deny it because she keeps telling me that I never buy anything for her. I really did so. =/) Perhaps, I should start hating them one day so that I can have more money for myself. =D

I seriously hate to wait. I cannot even wait for 5minutes so how am I going to wait for one month = thirty days = 720 hours = 43, 200 minutes? Actually, it is slightly less than that already but it is still very, very long. Everything is still very unpredictable. What if I get none of them? What should I do? I seriously need someone to tell me even though the future concerns me, not anyone of them out there.

Free Cone day!

2009-04-21T20:01:00.004+08:00

Free Cone day!

Hoho. It is a free cone day! My sis and I went to the branch at Vivocity to get our free cone. =D Kenneth - a colleague - fetched me home after work. I went to settle some stuff and came out of the house again. It was amazingly fast - I mean the queue. Before sis reached there, I had already collected mine. =/ So, I went to queue up again after eating so that sis did not have to queue up for so long. After eating, we went to queue up again. All the favours are very nice! Yum~

DO YOUR MATH! How many cones did I take in total?

Ans: Bingo! 3. Yes, at the expense of my sore throat. Laugh out loud

A day without Music (?)

2009-04-06T23:29:00.002+08:00

A day without Music (?)

I am not trying to imply that I became deaf today but rather, my beloved/precious earpiece was not with me. It is the inward plug (if I did not get the term wrong) but of course, it is a cheap one. = p I only use 2 types of earpiece; inward plug and hook-on earpiece. These are the ones which will not fall off from my ears! So, just for today and even tomorrow, I had/have to use the basic earpiece which really irritates me a lot. In every 30 seconds or so, I had/have to adjust its position to ensure that it does not fall off from my ears.

I am not a spoiled brat or musician. I just need the company of music to keep me awake through out the long journey on the MRT. Imagine having to travel from Queenstown to Punggol and take a LRT from there? I HATE IT! I am not a fan of long MRT ride. I would not have complained so much if it was a long bus ride, instead. Reason being, there are people or surroundings for me to admire at. Ha. I love to daydream a lot but the tendency of me doing that is reduced to its minimum level and falling asleep is increased to its maximum level on the MRT. I think by now, I am an expert for sleeping on the MRT especially after a long day at work or doing project. There was once when a very nice gentleman actually stood up and let me have his seat so that I could sleep better.

Today was not exactly a pleasant day for me because before I started my day, I was already so irritated. Reason being, Dad knocked on my door very loudly to wake me up when I could have slept for 40minutes more. I think they (dad and mum) rotated their duties. This did not occur for the first time. =/ Both the morning and earpiece incidents affected me so much that I had no appetite for my breakfast. I had to swallow my food down even before I chewed them. In the end, my stomach was in pain. =(

Seriously, I still think that I would have stomach cancer or related illness in the future because I could have stomach upset for no reason that my face would even turn green. I went to consult 2 doctors before but they had no idea why. o.o I gave up and bear with the pain (include zero complaints from myself, okay, occasionally.= p).

The days

2009-04-03T13:19:00.004+08:00

The days

1st day

There was a hiccup on my 1st day of work. It was real bad because I was late for 10minutes! Luckily, I was not late for my lesson. = p Ah. How hate people being late yet I was still late. Nono. It will not happen again. It was just due to my miscalculation of my traveling time.

Yea. I was supposed to reach that school at 10 a.m. to meet my boss but at 9.54 a.m., I was still at Punggol MRT station! GOSH! I quickly called him – of course, he did not sound pleased – and informed him that I would be late for 10 minutes. THIS IS NOT THE END! I was lucky enough to get a cab within 2 minutes – despite the fact that a bus driver said that it was difficult to get a cab there but I could try my luck and I did! Anyway, the taxi driver had no idea where the school was, let alone the exact road name. o.o So, I called my boss again. When I thought everything was solved, he said that he could not see where the school was. So, I suggested opening the door and asked the passer-bys. The taxi fare was… $4.60. What the hell. If I had one more minute, I swear that I would have bargained with him and reduced it to $4.00. Laugh out loud. Okay. Perhaps not that low.

IT IS STILL NOT THE END! I was supposed to teach a typing program but when we tried looking for it and clarifying it with the technician, then we realized that it was not installed. NOT blaming anyone! I was okay with it. What I was not okay with was that I did not make any preparation to teach the hardware (e.g. the monitor) and Microsoft word. o.o

My boss helped me a little here and there so everything was fine and they learned something from my lesson. Phew~

It is really not easy being a teacher. I finally understood why some teachers kept complaining they were feeling so warm or perspiring a lot.

WAY TO GO! It is just the beginning.

Hey. Perhaps, I should try teaching kids more because I really enjoy it. They are just so adorable.

2nd day
I reached the school earlier than the meeting time so in the end I had to wait for 35minutes. o.o After more than 15minutes, the girl next to me finally talked to me. Okay. It sounds silly but I just refused to make my first move that day. It turned out that she was from my Polytechnic and she was a pretty nice lady. For my morning, I just had to help here and there and walked around to help the students. Sadly, I was not an expert at robotics yet so what I could do was pretty limited. =/ I AM STILL LEARNING!

After that, I took a bus to Bukit Batok MRT station and took a train down to Clementi MRT station. Clementi has changed a lot that I could not recognize it and nearly got lost. Yes, I forever lose my ways. Anyway, I walked around there as I volunteered to help a colleague to look around for food as he would reach later than me from other school. You see, I was worried that he would not have enough time to eat. After buying, I saw a Secondary school senior but refused to walk over and say Hi. =/ (Okay. For some reason, I was not outgoing or being weird.) After which, I walked back to the MRT station. While waiting for the colleague to finish using the toilet, I saw Benjy. We were quite surprised as we did not expect it at all. He said that the impression I gave him is like we were strangers. Sorry. =/ I think I was really too tired and surprised. Sorry. =/

I think the hero for today was my colleague. Without him, I would have lost my way! Why? I actually told him that we should walk the opposite way to the school. Then, he asked if I read the map from the MRT station and I said yes. Ha ha. Anyway, I told him that I am bad at reading maps and recognizing my way. Ah. Yes, he was trying to test me before telling me the correct way. I seriously need to attend a lesson on my North-South-East-West direction. = /

Anyway, we reached there very early and had to wait for more than half an hour. Luckily, I am still able to communicate with him even though sometimes I pretended that I was listening for I was really too exhausted.

What were the exciting things during my lesson? Oh ya. I taught Macromedia Flash. I remembered that a student actually tried to challenge me or something so I said in a stern voice, “You seriously want to challenge me?” It really scared him off and he did not dare to challenge me anymore. For another, he was being very mischievous so I threatened him by saying something like I will make sure that he would not be allowed to step into my class again. Hope that nothing will happen to me. o.o It does not sound like me at all. How good if I always do that when I am being taken advantage of or being bullied? My boss said I am the soft type of person when dealing with students so I am trying to work on this. I am serious when I say that I am going to be a hard-hearted person. Apparently, I am improving – not referring to how I treat my students. One more thing, I am still speaking very softly when I think that I speak very loudly already. That was what my boss commented. He asked me to work on my voice. How? I work on this for 3 years already but it is still the same. =/

3rd day

The class was a little hyperactive but not that attentive. 1 girl cried in class because she claimed that she could not do what was given to her. The fact is, she did most of them already. So, I put my right hand over her shoulders saying, “You are doing very well and should keep up the good work. Give yourself credit for this, ok?” By then, it did calm her down then I helped her a little more. I remember that the monitor and monitress were over-helpful that I often had to ask them to do their work instead of helping me to supervise the students. Ha ha.

4th day

I was so angry at myself. I thought the lesson start at 10.30 until 10minutes before the starting time. So, there I rushed to the taxi stand. I asked 3 groups of people if they could let me board the taxi first – by then, it was already 7minutes to the starting time.

1st: “I am sorry. We are rushing for time too.” (Okay. Acceptable but I reckon that it would be as rush as mine. Ha)
2nd: (The worst of all. Before I finished my sentence, she rolled her eyes from the sight of me even when I was near to tears already. This is what I call, hard-hearted people.)
3rd: “Where are you heading to?” (I replied saying, “XX School.”) “Oh okay. We can share taxi there as I am heading there as well.” (She said without smiling.)

Sigh. Where are the nice people? In the end, I was about 1-2 minutes late and the students had not arrived yet. I was quite lucky, actually. I should really stop being so muddle-headed! =/

Anyway, I met up with Jethro after that because he is going to be enlisted on the 13th. Well, we would not meet up so soon if I knew that 13th is going to be 2weeks later. =/ Yes, being muddle-headed AGAIN but for the good thing. =D We went for a ice-cream treat, no, I gave him a treat - he chose 1 waffle with 2 scopes of ice-cream on 2 conditions - no durian favour and must be different from what I chose so that I could try. = p The shop was introduced by Andrew (Goh) - a poly classmate. We were satisfied with the treat because the ice-cream is so special. =D Before that, I saw a mentoring friend or rather junior (JP). He was very nice because he accompanied me to that shop. Without him, I would have lost my way again. Yes, he waited till Jethro came. =D He even bought me a bottle of Green tea. =D

Oh. Alex and I promised to go for an ice-cream feast! Hee. IF anyone has any good recommendation, do tell me! =D

Drained out

2009-03-28T21:41:00.006+08:00

Drained out

After today’s training, I went to Tarah Merah MRT to wait for Alex’s mum’s car to arrive. We went to have a lunch first then Moral Angel Home – a home for the aged.

It was my 1st time visiting it. Alex and I were assigned to an old lady for the outing to Marina Barrage. Well, I am not too sure if I was in one of my best mood or I am naturally patient towards elderly. Ha ha. Why do I say so? Basically, she suffers from short-term memory (Erm. Not the one which people proclaim to be but it is really an illness) so I had to repeat the same thing over and over again. In every 5-15 minutes, she would ask, “What is your name?” – Yes, like she had never asked you before. And, she would usually reply by saying, “Oh. What a nice name. My name is…” – By the way, she speaks English. I was quite lucky because sis said that the way I speak Hokkien is like how dad speaks English. =x In another word, I speak very badly. Ha. Even my best spoken language, Mandarin has been deteriorating even since my Secondary school days. =/ I think one day I might stop speaking because people would no longer understand what I am trying to bring across. =x

In any way, I still smiled at her like I just met her. Being patient is the key! The journey on the bus to the destination was very entertaining because 2 of the volunteers sang while Alex played guitar. They sang all the oldies songs. Nice, nice~ =D

I realized that she asked me not to leave her alone for several times even when I just stood up from my seat so I had to reassure her that I would never leave her aside in a sincere tone with a smile. I guess there must be a sad story behind it. People will not constantly ask you not to leave him/her when there is nothing wrong. I think she missed her family a lot too. =/

If you want to know if you have a good photography skill, try taking a photo of me. It is really a challenge to take a better looking side of me because most people take the ugly side of me. =/ The photo which the old lady received is worse than the one above as she did not even recognize me. Sigh. How can she even remember me in this way? At least, she recognized Alex from the photo. NOT FAIR! =( Anyway, she kept saying that Alex and I are siblings. =/

At the beginning part, Alex told me not to feel attached to anyone. I feel attached to any one or any thing which this has always been part of me and is one of the greatest weaknesses. I still remember that before I left my 1st camp in Primary 6, I cried like someone had just passed away. Subsequently, I still cried for my 2nd and 3rd camp. Slowly, I still felt sad but I stopped crying altogether. =) Attending a camp is sign of freedom to me and I WANT IT!

Talking about camp, I think I will be attending a camp soon. =D But, I still have to get approval which I hate most.

Sigh. I have been busy for the past few days and next week will be worse for me. I am so busy that I feel like crying. Nono. I promised myself to be strong so I cannot cry. =/

FRIENDS! I have not forgotten anyone of you. I know I keep saying, “Okay. Sure. I will meet you up next week” or “next month” or even “after my exam.” but I have not done so. I AM SORRY!

Okay. At least, I have just met up with a secondary school friend called SEK a.k.a. chou nan ren (smelly guy) – a direct translation from Mandarin. Despite not meeting each other for more than half a year or not talking to each other that much upon graduation, we still treated each the same - bickering with each other but in a very funny way. I would try not to laugh but he will always know that I am trying to hold my laughter.

One example

He: Are you free to meet up tomorrow?
I: Sure! You are asking me out, eh?
He: No. I never. You asked me to ask you out.
I: Very funny. Thank you for asking me out.

There is a story behind this “You asked me to ask you out.” One day, I approached him on MSN to ask him something.

He: No wonder. Was surprised to see you PM me.
I: LOL. Not as heartless as someone, ok? I will still remember you.
He: Lol. I also know, if not why I got the friendship band.
(I made 1 friendship band for him after him telling me that he would be going to Vietnam for his internship (6 months) which is to pray hard that he would come back in one piece. Ha ha. What he meant is, it (friendship band) is a symbol of friendship forever.)
I: Hell you! LOL
:
:
:
He: I got something to pass to you but well dono when also. (He got something from Vietnam for me which actually surprised me a lot. Ha.)
I: See! Heartless!
He: Heartless then dont get for you already
I: When I wanted to pass it to u, I made time for u lo
:
:
:
{An extract of our conversation based on my memory.)

A very dumb conversation but it made me laugh a lot. I never knew that anyone would feel shy talking to me as I am always on the extreme, either I talk a lot with you or I don’t. Anyway, he is one of the very few friends who would talk to me in this way because they know that it will not offend me. Ha ha.

Define it

2009-03-25T00:34:00.001+08:00

Define it

I used to think that life is about trial and errors until I met some unfavourable circumstances which made me change my point of view. I think it is about cruelty. Sometimes, people tell you your mistake(s) without even giving you a chance to amend it and condemn you. Being a coward self, you would usually keep quiet and accept the new title given to you. But, before you condemn someone, has it even occurred to you that you make/made mistake(s) too? Perhaps, you agreed that you did but you might protest that at least you would never commit such a grave mistake. Define what a grave mistake is, please.

I am trying to understand the situation now. Can we even afford to make a mistake? If you tell me that the answer is a ‘No’, congrats, we are on the same boat. I am getting the feeling that we must be a perfect individual, with no fraud at all. Look at yourself in the mirror, reflect upon yourself and be frank.

Sometimes, chance(s) are given to you silently, is it fair? Nope. You must be a silent killer, duh.

Well, sometimes, I am really in a loss. Lately, I have been going around asking for lots of advices for I feel that I am not allowed to make any mistake at all which puts me in a very stressful situation. =/ I am still in the process of making a very important decision - not about life and death nor marriage but still as important to me. Wish me luck!

Life after work

2009-03-21T23:59:00.003+08:00

Life after work

Woohoo~ Right after my work, I met up with Zhan Hui (ZH) and Andrew Ho (A) who were all from Mentoring Club for a mini gathering. I have not met them for months for the same old reasons. I was surprised that Sebastian did not turn up because I finally could make it for the outing. =/ It was okay. We still enjoyed ourselves without you. = p JUST KIDDING! We went to a little high class restaurant for our dinner. I liked the ambience a lot. Our dinner was fabulous. I must agree that I behaved like an aunty over there. When we pay $5 for a glass of drink, we will be entitled to a free flow of that particular drink. So, I told them to just order a glass since it was a free flow. = p In the end, I shared it with ZH. We chatted from the time we sat down (about 5.30 p.m.) to about 10.30 p.m. Oh. I decided to join them for a KTV session even though I do not really sing for I am really shy. =/ It is always fun with them around.

I have decided to live my life meaningfully. Although I may break down at times for the same old reason(s), I will still stay strong or even stronger than ever for people who are always supportive and encouraging. I just want to prove myself right that I can be a successful person for the people who had looked down on me or have been looking down on me. Sometimes, it is just your luck and I am still trying very hard to accept my fate. Perhaps, I had done something very bad in my previous life that God wants to punish me in my afterlife and so I am going through what I am going through now.

I think that one day I will start to stand up for myself instead of tolerating everything. One day, I might become very hard-hearted because I am tired of how I am being treated when I always try my best to help when I could. It is not about what you get in return but how you are being appreciated and not taken for granted of. Anyway, hard-hearted and cruel people survive better in this world. This is the type of world I am living in. I am learning to face it.

Choices

2009-03-17T23:06:00.006+08:00

Choices

How many chances can one be given for a choice? Limited.

I realised that I have made the wrong choices, again. You know, it is one of the most important decisions of my life yet I followed a friend again like what I did when I chose my poly courses. When can I learn from my mistake?

I hate myself. I know that I will have a hard time forgiving myself if I did not manage to get in at all.

Okay. I just hope that I will not depend on anybody again when it comes to marriage (another important decision to make if I have to) which is a long, long way to go. Ha ha.

BLESS ME!

I realised that I am really bad at making decisions. I say, "Anything" more often than one should. Perhaps, I dislike making decisions too. = / For one obvious reason, I have no confidence in myself at all. I seriously need a confident booster. Is it for sale?