More than just freedom

Should I announce that it feels great to have my freedom back once again after a few months of working like bees?

On top of my precious teeny weenie time to do what I am supposed to do, I have been thinking a lot – constructive thoughts.

Actually, I knew that I have been pushing myself a lot in a lot of areas like character building and many other areas which totally drain me out – mentally drained. Someone pointed out that I am being too critical of myself – which I should know but never wanted to admit. I never thought I was doing fine – not extremely well but fine – for my presentation. I actually thought that I did badly that I broke down right after it - accumulating. I was being very disappointed with myself and also, I thought that I was going pull the grade of my group down again. I am not sure why but whenever people smile or even not smile at me during presentation, I would always feel that I did badly again. I know this is ridiculous but I just get worried easily. Through many things from the past few months, I realise that I am someone who needs hell lot of assurance and encourages – not praises – that I am doing just fine or else I would start working doubly hard than usual – this is when I will start to feel very stressed out which I might not show it at all but I am really stressed, in fear and cracking my brain for better solutions. I might just slow things down when I feel that I am not doing the right thing at all, that is, whatever I do, seems to be wrong and I will not feel motivated to do anything.

There were times when I picked up my courage and voiced out my thoughts but they never seemed to be heard –ah. I learnt from my law module that one of the rules of acceptance is silence is not sufficient. This is when I felt that I am a nobody and I will start to get very depressed and helpless and I will try very hard to pretend that nothing has happened. I might just stay silent forever since then.

There are certain things which I thought (and requested) it should not occur due the foreseen unwanted consequences but it did, exactly like what I have foreseen. I was too weak to stop anything anymore. I am totally helpless as to how I should remedy the matter. I just hope that it would be better.

I am sorry. I am more than just weak but it does not just happen to me...