Better luck


I realise that I can hate having holidays. This is only the 2nd day of my holiday and I have already found it so boring – just simply cannot stand having it at all. The worse is I am not really allowed to go out and not allowed to use my computer for the whole day and I am not a TV fan so I am not going to stick my ass on my sofa to watch it. ROAR. So, tell me, what is left for me to do? Oh. If mum heard this, she is going to say, “I don’t see you doing housework”. GOSH. I am trying all means and ways to run away from it. Stel and I are having been complaining to each other already. We will be going for a shopping tomorrow and shop for nice tops! But, how do I convince the top management of my house? I shall use my top workable method to talk to him – usually workable but not workable all the time. I seriously hate to be controlled. I am not a super nerdy kid who prefers to stay at home. It is never me. = ( And, I am still bothering over some issues too. What should I do? *shaking head*

Ah. I shall try my luck tomorrow.

More than just freedom

Should I announce that it feels great to have my freedom back once again after a few months of working like bees?

On top of my precious teeny weenie time to do what I am supposed to do, I have been thinking a lot – constructive thoughts.

Actually, I knew that I have been pushing myself a lot in a lot of areas like character building and many other areas which totally drain me out – mentally drained. Someone pointed out that I am being too critical of myself – which I should know but never wanted to admit. I never thought I was doing fine – not extremely well but fine – for my presentation. I actually thought that I did badly that I broke down right after it - accumulating. I was being very disappointed with myself and also, I thought that I was going pull the grade of my group down again. I am not sure why but whenever people smile or even not smile at me during presentation, I would always feel that I did badly again. I know this is ridiculous but I just get worried easily. Through many things from the past few months, I realise that I am someone who needs hell lot of assurance and encourages – not praises – that I am doing just fine or else I would start working doubly hard than usual – this is when I will start to feel very stressed out which I might not show it at all but I am really stressed, in fear and cracking my brain for better solutions. I might just slow things down when I feel that I am not doing the right thing at all, that is, whatever I do, seems to be wrong and I will not feel motivated to do anything.

There were times when I picked up my courage and voiced out my thoughts but they never seemed to be heard –ah. I learnt from my law module that one of the rules of acceptance is silence is not sufficient. This is when I felt that I am a nobody and I will start to get very depressed and helpless and I will try very hard to pretend that nothing has happened. I might just stay silent forever since then.

There are certain things which I thought (and requested) it should not occur due the foreseen unwanted consequences but it did, exactly like what I have foreseen. I was too weak to stop anything anymore. I am totally helpless as to how I should remedy the matter. I just hope that it would be better.

I am sorry. I am more than just weak but it does not just happen to me...