Realisation for the Nth time


It felt not so good after having almost 12 hours of sleep because I felt more tired than before. It is like this when I am not motivated to do anything else. And so, after my breakfast, I lay down on my sis’s bed (as she was packing her room and I did not want to be alone) and flipped through a book called “For one more day” by Mitch Albom. It has been there ever since I borrowed from aunt on the 1st day of this year’s Chinese New Year – untouched till this noon.

After reading the whole book, it made me realise a lot of things of my life.
I often feel that your blood loved ones will always be there no matter what has happened to you (though it might not happen to me as of yet. I guess most importantly, I usually keep most of my unhappy moments from them because… I just could not bring myself to tell them and they usually think that everything is perfectly fine with me and some think that I will still be the happy-go-lucky and dreamy Chu Er. Oh well. I seriously do not have a great laugh for God-knows how long. Perhaps the best I could provide them is to allow them to have an illusion that I am perfectly fine. Sometimes, I am truly afraid when people ask, “How are you?”Yes, it is a question of concern but I often lie and say with a smile that I am fine. Part of me has always wanted to avoid being reminded of many, many unhappy events. I guess because I feel that at the end of the day, I still have to stand up and face up everything by myself. What I learn is no problems will go away by themselves unless something is done to it.)

What I need to do now – as what I have said for the Nth time – is to pick up my confidence from where I left it somewhere very long ago. I guess I am being too absent-minded as I have no idea where it is. I have problem looking for it.

Oh. The book says that I must allow people to reach to me in order for them to help me. True. But, what...?

I know that I am a bad person in many ways but I swear that I have a kind soul in me. I am still pushing myself to change to a better person but I can never be a perfect person. I am sorry.



P.S.: The book I read is no doubt a good book.
P/P/S: This is just an entry of reflection.

Finally


I think that today was a good start to solve some of the problems on hand. The unnecessary misunderstandings are cleared and I really feel much better.

I am seriously trying hard to better express myself because there are so many times where what I thought was different from what I said. I simply had no idea how to put my thoughts into words. As a result of this, I will feel very disappointed and frustrated with myself so I will start to keep quiet as I really cannot accept that simple thoughts cannot be put into words and when it also causes misunderstanding. Sometimes, I just keep too many things to myself that it accumulates to a big problem. Due to this, it pulls me down so much that I could not think properly and it causes me to hurt some people around me. (I am really sorry. I swear that I never have the intention to hurt anyone.)

Due to the lack of courage to solve the issues in the right way, I have been feeling very upset (and near to depression) for the past few months so I guess I have been rather quiet too because I just could not get myself to smile.

I seriously hope that both of us will get fine soon. I hope that we will not bear grudges against each other anymore because it really affects and hurts me in some ways which I believe you may feel the same way as I am.


Setting this aside, he said that if he had a blog, he would blog something stupid about me. Well, I shall do it on behalf of him.

On Sunday, he called me after work as he wanted to meet me so to go home together since he had just knocked off from work too.

He: “I meet you at the Starbucks, ok?”
Me: “Huh? Where is it? I don’t know what you are talking about. I meet you at the Starbucks. You know that one near to the MRT station? Ya. That one.”
He: “Yes. I meet you at the Starbucks.” (He was referring to what I was talking about.)
Me: “I really don’t know what you are talking about. I cannot hear you. I meet you at the Starbucks near to the MRT station, ok?” (Should imagine how confused I was.)
He: “Yes, I am referring to that one. What do you think I am talking about?”

I felt that it was quite funny. HA HA.


Due to the many issues, I have to admit that I cannot stay at home for too long. There were 2 days where I stayed at home and my mood got worse because I kept thinking. I should not be alone for the time being and should be occupied with something. I just do not want to get into depression because I will keep thinking of giving up everything inclusive of my life. So bad, eh?


I must thank the 2 people who have been hearing so much about me and I shall not mention names here because it seems that every little small thing can lead to misunderstanding which I cannot afford to deal with now. You are loved by Chu Er. =)

Rules

I just want to write down something from my heart. I feel that a lot of rules are set by ourselves; we need not abide by those rules. Recently, I have been trying to convince myself that someone who is faithful and nice to you does not necessarily have to act according to this and that – which are all according to YOUR standard. I read it from somewhere that no one owes you a living and no one is obligated to do this and that for you. Yes, so I am trying hard to be independent because I am truly disappointed by a lot of incidents that I totally give up. I am just trying hard to pretend that everything is going normal and that I am fine. I am not, I am never fine.

Tell me how. I always swear to myself that I am not going to help this and that person anymore because whenever I need help, he/she just walked out on me. I always tell myself that I must learn to be hard-hearted but I really cannot bring myself to see others being helpless because I know how helpless you can be when no help is given to you.

Hey, there are times when it is based on facts but not that I am thinking too much so stop saying that I am thinking too much because it really hurts me a lot. Why does it seem that when others are voicing their views are not thinking too much but me? I have my own (human) rights too. I am so used to people saying this to me that I often say, "Okay, perhaps I am thinking too much." before them.

I am going to be more independent than before even though I still tear a lot. Why does it seem that my mood is not getting any better at all? I am seriously helpless. Call me a weakling please.


P.S.: The next few entries should not be any happier so if you dislike reading something of this, quit coming to my blog.