Too attached
I found out something which I dreamt of months ago came true. It hit me so hard that I broke down in the office during my lunch time which worried some of my colleagues. At that moment, I wanted to leave everything aside and go home but I could not because it would mean that all my hard work and efforts will go into the drain. In addition, I felt that my wound was being opened up again. Due to the fear that it may become a gossip, I decided that none of them should know the real reason behind my tears. This is the punishment for being too attached. It is not anyone but my fault for believing that it will not end in this way but in a better, civilised way. I realised how heartless, cruel or hardhearted someone can be - something that has being reminded time and time again. Even at the last moment, I still held that tiny belief that it might become better - not about the outcome but the way it is being handled. To my disappointment, it did not happen. I have asked myself many times if I have regretted, my answer is still a firm no. It will remain as a bittersweet memory which I would smile at when going to certain places. Sadly, I lost all the faith and belief I used to have. I know and cannot deny that I would still tear over it at times but it just cannot be helped until...probably when my trust is being gained or I finally let it go. Till now, it is still unbelievable. There are things which I can let go easily but not all especially...something which does not come by easily, I cry over so many times, I fight (fought) to get everything in place, I thought would be perfect and work out well at the end of the day.
Chu Er will be fine, one day. Her broken heart will be fixed. She will be ready embrace the new challenges in life - erm, as in
more challenges. She needs to forgive herself and stops blaming herself for whatever that happened.
Hating you is something I want yet cannot bear to do so. The pain, the hurt, the frustration, the disappointment, the confusion.......do you understand? 如果一切从来，结果还会一样吗？
