Un-abandon
Before anyone thinks that I am abandoning this blog, I will blog something. I would say that so much had happened – more unhappiness than happiness, really even though I am trying very hard to cheer up.
I am trying to think through things. I know that I need more time to get over something. I am told to remember the happy things and so I did. Guess what? It backfires what I thought would be the best for me. As I remember the happy times, it hurts me much more and reminds me what I have lost. Of course, I will not deny that I have learnt a lot from it but am convinced that I will not find someone better. This further proves that time is not the best healer. More than 9 months have past but I am still very hurt. I no longer confide in friends about it anymore because it all depends on me now.
Oh. I just heard that a friend is going to be hospitalized so I will visit him on this Saturday since I will not be working. It is already hard on me that it is on the extreme east side. The news that I have to alight at Simei really makes me dread going there. I am very, very sure that I am not ready to meet into someone because the sight of that someone will cause me to be teary and emotional even though I will put on my best act and smile like everything is well.
That place will remind me of all the bittersweet memories I had. They are one of the best ones in my whole life. You may not know how much it means to me but it really is. It is not the outcome that hurts but how it ended. I thought it was a very selfish and irresponsible decision. Oh well......
Other than that, I am pretty fine with visiting him because I have not seen him for years already.
I have too much to say. Everyone says that if I don’t say anything, no one knows that I am not okay. But, I am really so bad at expressing myself that I do not know how to put my thoughts into words. If I feel that what I say will affect someone a lot, I would rather keep all my thoughts to myself.
On my way to work this morning, I was listening to a radio station. The DJ said that one of the ways to maintain a marriage is to prevent talking about your colleagues, work related matters or any unhappiness to your other half. It seems like it is wrong to talk about your unhappiness? As I grow up, I feel that I will not be able to maintain my marriage if I ever had one especially when divorce rate is getting higher and higher. I label myself as a boring person even though most or all my colleagues/some friends think that I am a joker who makes them laugh easily. As a matter of fact, I prefer to listen because I cannot think of better things to voice out and afraid that what I say is boring. Another thing is; if you heard of “her bark is worse than her bite”, I am just like this. I may not say the nicest words but I can be genuinely concerned about someone/something. This shows that I am a pure Asian. Ha. Perhaps, I am used to be independent and not used to be close to others so I think that a lot of things are hard to me. Like, you will never see me holding anyone's hands for no reason which a lot of girls love to. You see, I am more confident to excel in my work than having any form of relationship e.g. friendship with anyone unless that someone is tolerant, patient and understanding. I am not a kid but everyone has a "kid" in us so there will be times when I can be unreasonable or insensitive. Isn't it natural? Of course I am sure that there are still people who really love and care for me.
For now, I reckon that I would read all books found in the library if I never got married. Nono, mission trip to 3rd world countries! I have not given up on this. =)
