19/09/2009

Internet is down but like what everyone else says, everything happens for a reason. Maybe “someone” out there knows that I have been down for some time and I need to be alone instead of connecting with the outside world, therefore, it is down. Ha. Recently, it seems like I am beginning to face the hurt and reality because of the places I went a few days ago. Occasionally, I nearly stopped and cried on the spot and reminisced the past. I…I want to cry out loud but I refuse to let myself to. Perhaps, I believe that by laughing and smiling and making others laugh can wash my hurts away. Deep down, part of me refuses to acknowledge the hurt I have that I actually hide it in a corner where I will hardly visit it. Somehow, I am so glad that I do not have to work today and that it is a rainy morning as I need it to unwind myself. Why? During this period of time, I chatted with many friends and all of them assure me that there is nothing wrong with me but I refuse to accept it. I think that I am one of the worst persons on this Earth who should not even exist. My existence only causes hurts and disappointments to people who pin high hopes on me and love me. I never seem to be able to do anything right. I am still blaming myself very hard on everything that has happened. I think I made everything goes wrong. I am so very sorry.

Well, of course for the time I have not been online, there were things that cheered me up.


On Monday, when I reached the void deck of my tutee’s house, I actually saw her maid and her waiting for me. I think it was really so sweet of them. ^^ I really pity her as her parents are busy working most of the time. Her mum goes overseas for work most of the time while her dad usually reaches home late due to his meeting. So what if their totally income amounts to a big sum of money when their kid’s results suffer? I even feel that my tutee is lonely because she often asks me to stay over to play with her. Maybe I am a substitute for the love she has not really felt over the years. I feel like telling her I am lack of love too. Ha.

On Tuesday, I went out with Kenneth for a catch up before he gets enlisted next month. I finally visited the bar that I always pass by when I go to the Esplanade. The drink I had (I think it was Peach Martini) only took its effect when I was on my way home because my whole face felt rather hot. Before I had my drink, Kenneth asked me a few times if I was really up for it. It seems like no one believes that I can drink. =/

On Thursday, I went to watch “The Ugly Truth” with Alex at Marina Square. I really liked that show a lot as it made laugh so hard. Alex said that my laughter was easily the loudest compared to the rest. Seriously, I thought that I did not laugh that loudly. =p Oh ya. The main actor was so sexy in that show. Hee. Perhaps, I should learn and apply the tricks I learned from that show on Men. I was quite surprised to hear that it a NC16 but not M18 show. Anyway, it was still my kind of perfect show. I totally loved how they started from enemy, how the main actor felt jealous when she was so happy to be with the guy she loved, how they realized that they seemed to fall for each other and how they got together. Sometimes in the midst of the show, I would ask Alex how the guy felt because I was not too sure if he really felt the way as I thought. Watching a show with the right person (as in someone who appreciates the show you watch) is important especially when it comes to a person like me. I can be so caught up with certain details that I miss out other details. =/




It is sunny when I finished writing this entry.



TODAY

It seems like it is the “breaking up” season as everyone seems to be breaking up now. What is going on with the world? I always thought that no matter what kind of obstacles couples face, they will grow old together. As I grow up, the world is no longer what I thought it was. My bubbles of dreams are burst. I begin to have a phobia of getting into a relationship for, I am so scared of going through the “breaking up” or “divorce” stage. Yes, I am pessimistic but how can I not when… Sigh.

If only everything can be simplified, this world will be a happier place for living. I think it is not that surprising if I remain single for the rest of my life.